Fire (crotch) Bird

I once dated a guy we shall call “Stilts”. This guy was a total douche. He drove a red Firebird and thought himself to possess an awesome sense of humor among other delusional qualities.

Stilts used to joke about his “cool” car. He would say in what he thought to be an exaggerated, porn star voice,
“This car adds two inches to my penis!”

The holidays were approaching and I wanted to get Stilts something memorable for Christmas. I went to the mall, I looked around for just the perfect gift.

That’s when I saw it!

The license plate frame engraving kiosk! Ingenious! With a smirk I walked right up to the little teenage girl working the booth and asked her to engrave a license plate frame for me with Stilts (not so) “famous quote”.

For a small fee of $18.50 she agreed. I took my gem of a gift home, wrapped it and placed it under the tree.

Soon it was Christmas day. Stilts and my family gathered around the Christmas tree to share gifts.

That’s when I did it.

I gave my beautifully wrapped, deeply thought out, personalized present to my then love: Stilts, in front of my entire family that he had just met for the first time.

He smiled as he slowly opened his gift while everyone watched.

He wasn’t laughing then.

He never did put it on his car either.


You know what beats a Firebird? A Kia Soul. Donut has one. I thought I saw him driving next to me today. My heart stopped for a second then I noticed they were not his license plates.

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