I always seem to end up on the worlds worst vacations. It’s one of those “If it can go wrong, it will!” type of things. I also always end up sleeping with the worlds biggest scum bags.
Put these two things together and you have a story about being isolated in hell with Satan.
Or as I call it:
A five (six) day trip to the Midwest to visit Clif.
Clif was unbelievably tall, close to seven feet (which is why I was so stunned that his penis was so small). I had known him over a decade and time had treated him well. He had the same hair cut from back in the day with no signs of balding. Naturally highlighted, long in the front hanging over his eyes. It was just long enough for the Bieber hair flip. He still dressed in all black. He had baby blue eyes and a septum piercing.
Now, one major thing I have learned this year is what type of guy not to date.
I am NEVER to date a Jew.
Not that I have anything against the Jewish, but I followed the advice of friends who told me that Jewish men are supposedly known for treating their women well.
I dated three this year and all treated me like shit. But thats another dirty.
Clif is not a Jew, he is a DJ.
DJ’s are the second worst type to date and I will tell you why. Firstly, they are poor. They will not pay for your dinner on a date (much like Jews they usually bring a coupon). This has been proven time and time again.
Secondly, because they are so poor they do not keep up on their oral hygiene. Do NOT let a DJ go down on you! You will end up with a yeast infection or BV. If you get drunk and forget my advice and you do let him (they are usually pretty cute and you are drunk at the club when you meet them) make sure you have a tub plain yogurt in your fridge for emergencies.
I flew into the midwest around ten pm on a Tuesday in late November, two days before my 31st birthday.
Knowing Clif would be late (DJ’s are not very punctual) I told him my plane got in at nine. After a half hour of waiting in the snow Clif finally showed up, around 10:30 pm.
Clif was driving a car that I like to call the “rust boat”. Clif informed me that the passenger side door wouldn’t open so I had to ride in the back.
I contemplated this for a moment then decided to climb my way to the passenger side through the drivers door instead.
The passenger door was held closed by a knotted bandana. I was already beginning to question my decision of this particular vacation. I was calmed by the fact that we were heading out for dinner and drinks and at least nobody knew me in the Midwest so I was not to be recognized in the rust boat. Plus the heater worked.
We pulled up to a popular pizza restaurant.
Clif is a vegan.
We decided to share a few vegan items and ordered some red wine to go with.
I thought it would be fun to “go vegan” on the trip for the experience. Plus I knew Clif wouldn’t be paying for much so it would be cheaper if we just shared our meals.
After dinner we headed back to Clif’s place.
We stopped at the grocery store for a case of water, wine, cigarettes and I grabbed a huge container of plain yogurt.
Clif and I arrived at Clif’s place well past midnight. We got drunk, smoked a ton of cigarettes, had lots of sex and passed out just as the sun was starting to shine. We didn’t wake up that day until mid afternoon.
Once awake, Clif asked me what I wanted to do that day. I told him that I didn’t care, we could just lay low because the following day we were checking into a hotel for two nights for my birthday. We ended up going to lunch then spending the rest of the time in bed watching movies, napping and having sex (my kind of vacation anyway).
Around ten pm Clif heard a noise down stairs and went to check to see if someone was at the door.
I fell asleep.
Around 11:30 pm Clif wakes me up to Apologize about all the yelling. I was confused. He then tells me that a girl we can call “Amanda” had come to his door, drunk, to see him.
Clif tells me that Amanda’s boyfriend had driven her and was in the car outside when she knocked.
This where it gets interesting.
Apparently Amanda wanted to come in, stay the night. Clif informed her I was there and she “flipped out”.
She confessed her love to Clif, slapped him and told him off for an hour and a half with the boyfriend sitting in his idling car.
All I knew was I had flown across half the country to get laid and have some damn relaxation without children for my fucking birthday.
Who was Amanda again, how was Amanda going to effect me getting my rocks off for three more days?!?! Clif assured me Amanda wouldn’t have any impact on my trip.
I went back to sleep.
The next morning I awoke on my birthday to freshly falling snow! It was a beautiful and wondrous sight for this California girl!
I put on my 6 inch, Kardashion Kollection, snow, ehh…hooker boots and my faux fur coat before heading out for a perfect photo opp!
Clif loaded my luggage into the rust boat and we sailed off to Le Grande Hotel for my big day!
After check in and upacking Clif and I headed out on the town.
We walked down to an Indian restaurant for lunch. Clif pointed out some of the city and was an all around excellent tour guide. Plus he looked really cute snuggled up in his winter coat, gloves and hat.
We drank LOTS of cheap champagne.
Then, we walked back to the hotel.
It was roughly 2pm at this point.
Clif had to head out for an hour or two to get “something done for work real fast” and would be back in time to take me to dinner and a club to celebrate.
I should take a hot bath and get ready in the meantime.
Clif left and I did just that.
Clif never came back.
Clif didn’t answer my calls.
Clif ignored my texts.
Around 8pm I was feeling sorry for myself and trapped in a city alone on my birthday and went out for a cigarette.
I was delusionally hoping to see Clif walking up any minute with flowers and an apology ready to take me on the town to somewhere exciting.
Clif never came.
I met a group of drunk people, my age, smoking outside and butted into their conversation hoping they would let me hang out with them.
They liked me.
The only girl in the group wasn’t having it and told me to fuck off.
I gave up and feeling abandoned and defeated got onto the elevator to head back to my room.
That’s when it happened!
The elevator stopped on the fourth floor.
A hot, younger man in an expensive suit walked in.
He looked at me and smiled.
Then he said in his adorable British accent,
“Excuse me miss, but would you fancy a drink?”
Birthday crisis, AVERTED!!
He was a NY City stock broker who was working on Wall Street.
He was in town for one night to meet with a client.
Now, this is where I wish I could tell you we fell in love and rode off in the sunset but I can’t because as I explained before, I only date scum bags.
Anyway, we spent the evening drinking cheap champagne (on his tab at least) ate, laughed, made out until the bars closed.
Then, he tried to get fresh and that’s where it should have ended.
But this guy was drunk and annoying and persistent.
He followed me back to my room and wouldn’t just go back to his own and to fucking bed!
He was harmless, I wasn’t in danger.
I was just really annoyed!
I walk into my room and guess who is sitting there on the bed!?!?
Clif had come back.
Wallstreet followed me in. Clif looked at me, looked at Wallstreet and then asked if he should leave.
Now I was in a position of deciding which of the two are of the greater evil!
If I had any self respect I would have called security and had them both escorted out.
But, I was drunk.
In a city of strangers, no less.
On my birthday.
I wanted to have fun, God Damn It!
Security showed up anyway as I was trying to push a VERY LOUD, very drunken Wallstreet out of my room at 2 am.
He finally left.
Of course that didn’t stop him from calling and texting me non-stop (for months but that’s a different story).
I was heavily intoxicated and after everything that had happened determined to get my rocks off. I used Clif and his three inches of glory and did what I do BEST!
Expelled horrendous, drunken lies and confessed all my LOVE to him during sex.
The next morning Clif asked me if I remembered what had confessed to him the night before and I said no, which was true, I didn’t.
Then I told Clif about my problem with alcohol-induced-compulsive-lying.
I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me.
This leads us to my final day in the Midwest, or what should have been!
Clif left the hotel around 11am to attend his daughters play and then was to be dropping her with a sitter for the night before spending my last evening with me.
He promised to actually take me out somewhere before I left town.
He would be back around three to join me in a (now belated) birthday dinner as well.
I enjoyed the day in my pj’s, ordered room service and watched TV alone in the hotel room.
Cliff never came back.
Not until after 9pm anyway.
I should have strangled the mother fucker but alas it was my last night. I’d already decided I would never see him again after this, so I let it go.
Clif finally took me to my birthday dinner. Actually, I took Clif. He was broke.
After, we loaded up into the rust boat and headed out to the club.
The club sucked. It was a dirty, shit hole.
Probably, I drank too much.
I looked at my phone. It was now midnight and time to head back to the hotel.
Despite the scenery, I was FINALLY having fun!
So, I invited some of Clif’s friends back to the hotel to continue drinking with us.
I had to be AT the airport by 6:30am the following morning to catch an 8am flight mind you.
I didn’t care!
I was going to stay up all night and sleep on the plane!
By three am I was over that idea and decided to have a little nap.
5:00 am my alarm went off.
5:45 I DRAGGED my still drunken, hot-mess of a self out of bed and started packing.
I threw on some clothes and and mascara and started shaking Clif awake.
It was not working.
Clif was OUT.
I jumped on the bed, I screamed, I threw water on Clif.
He was snoring away.
It was now 6:00 am.
By 6:20 I FINALLY had Clif up.
He went to retrieve the rust boat while I checked out of the hotel.
I finished and waited.
Clif wasn’t back with the “boat” until 6:45. I frantically jumped in and ordered him TO HURRY! This was when Clif informed me he was out of gas.
We had to stop.
We arriveed at the airport at 7:28. I grabbed my bag, without even saying goodbye, and RAN to the ticket counter. I gave the lady my info and she says to me,
“Oh, you just missed your flight! See, it’s 7:31. We closed the gate at 7:30. There isn’t another flight I can book you on until tomorrow at the same time. Would you like me to book it for you, now?”
The flood gates of tears were now open.
Crying I begged,
“You can’t make an exception for ONE minute! I missed it by ONE minute! Please?! You don’t understand I NEED to get out of here! I work tomorrow…and…”
I booked the flight for the following morning and called Clif. He said he would turn right around. He would be back in five minutes.
Two hours later, Clif showed up at the airport to get me. He took me to his house and then left.
You see Cliff had plans with friends that afternoon and Amanda was going so I wasn’t invited.
I begged Cliff to drop me somewhere! I asked if he had any friends who wanted some company for the afternoon. Clif had none.
I sat on his bed all day, alone.
It started to snow. It didn’t stop snowing all day.
Clif never came back.
Most boring day, ever.
By midnight I was frantic and started calling and texting Cliff. I begged him to be back soon because I couldn’t miss my next flight! He was finally home by one am.
Clif actually woke up on time the following morning!
I was relieved when Clif put my suitcase in his trunk and slammed it shut. I was excited when he started his car and got in. We still had ample time to catch my flight. I was actually going to make it home today!
I was clicking my heels in excitement! There was no place like home!
There was just one problem.
The rust boat didn’t like the snow and water had frozen inside the drivers door.
It wouldn’t close.
Clif tried slamming it repeatedly to no avail. I told him to just hold the damn thing shut!
That fu**er refused.
After about ten minutes he figured a way to rig it closed with a bungee cord. Still time to get there.
No biggie! We were off!
There was a ton of snow on the ground, the first big snow of the season and Clif had not thought ahead. He didn’t have snow tires nor chains.
We started skidding all over the road.
First to the left, then right. Clif couldnt got past 8mph because of this but promised we would be OK once we gotonto the interstate.
We were headed that way.
Just one slight problem,
Clif was out of gas, AGAIN.
Not only was I now worried about the time it was going to take to get to the gas station and to pump the gas but I was worried about the time it would take to un-rig and re-rig the door.
We pulled over at a gas station, it was closed.
I hate Clif.
Clif forgot that it was now Sunday and in this particular city places are closed to celebrate the sabath.
Clif being a poor DJ with bad credit had no means to pay by anything other than one dollar bills and some change.
So, I used my credit card to pay for the gas.
We made it on to the expressway.
I can’t remember much about anything else. I was furious, frustrated…I just know I made it home, finally.
I never did talk to Clif again.
However, I did send him a drunken Facebook message one time that said something like,
“Clif,.,,, youu are tHe e biggest asshol eve in the whole fuckkking wOr ld! Like, everr!! ThE biggest one.! Thee ashol to end all asshol s s s!”.
He never responded.
On a side note, I haven’t been bothered by one KIA today! Wahoo!