Ding Dong Ditch Em’

I was 26 when I endured my first full term pregnancy. I put on 80 pounds total and acquired a mid section festively decorated in what I like to describe as, “The side of the left over chunk of cheese that’s been grated” AKA covered in stretch marks. I felt like an elephant. This was not a normal pregnancy. I incubated this kid for what seemed like two years.

Half way through my booze-less and cigarette-less torture I started finding other vices to get me through the days.

My favorite thing to do was to pleasure my humpty-dumpty self while watching Internet porn. I was angry at the man species in general so the last thing I was going to look at was a schlong. After all, that’s what got me in this mess in the first place. Instead I watched women masturbating, with devices. All sorts of devices. My favorite clip was of a woman using a glass dildo. I had that page bookmarked.

Now you may not understand what a task it was for me to masturbate in the first place. I had a stomach resembling a hot air balloon and the inflated legs to match. I hadn’t seen my who-who in months and could barely reach it. I would sit down at my computer desk and manually lift up one leg at a time and place each onto my computer desk just for access to my little bean. Removing them was just as much of a chore.

One afternoon, after an uncomfortable love making session with myself,

It happened!

Ding!

It was a notification of a new email.

I clicked on the link and was directed to my hotmail inbox. When I saw it, my jaw dropped releasing bits of the chewed up hostess treat I had been devouring.

There it was.

An email from Donut.

I sat for a minute digesting this (along with the remains of my “ding dong”). It had been almost year since Donut had broken my heart and I still hadn’t stopped thinking about him on a daily basis. This pregnancy was pretty much his fault anyway because it happened with my “rebound” guy while I was fantasying about him.

My mind started racing, my pulse pounding. I was so EXCITED! He must be emailing me to confess his love for me! I knew he loved me all along! I bet we would get married now and he would adopt my baby and we would live happily ever after!

With stars in my hopeful, little eyes I opened the email. This is what it said:

“I jacked off today thinking about you. Not in love but in remembrance.”

What the fuck?!?!

So I read it again. And again. I read it five hundred times. It still said the same thing! What did this mean?

So, I did what any confused, bored out of her mind, heffer would do in a situation like this. I forwarded the email to all of my friends asking for advice. I don’t remember any of them being really helpful. After a few hours I responded.

This is what I wrote,

“I was in Cost-Co yesterday. They were sampling out Vienna sausages. I ate one and thought of you. Not in love but in remembrance.”

Donut liked that. He saw a challenge. He emailed me right back! We flirted back and forth for a few days. My life was finally changing. Donut was coming back to me! We were going to have that family he talked about a year prior! His daughter, my son. It would be perfect! So, on the eve of the second day of emailing I decided to disclose my secret. I told Donut I was pregnant.

He never emailed me back.

Not for another year anyway, but thats another story.