Toys For Sale!

While in my early twenties, there lived next door to me, the most annoying child that ever was. I never knew his real name, I called him Toys For Sale.

Toys For Sale earned his name rightfully so, by loading up his rusty radio flyer wagon with dirty teddy bears, GI Joes with missing legs, naked, headless barbies and any other scrap toy he had hanging around his ghetto apartment. He would then walk through the neighborhood sidewalks early in the morning shouting, “Toys For sale!” He did this on a regular basis. It woke me up several times.

Early one Saturday morning, very early while still up from Friday nights bender, I devised a brilliant plan to seek revenge upon my young nemesis.

Myself, along with whatever sucker was hanging with me that night, started by filling up a giant trash can with water balloons. We spent a few drunken hours filling them up one by one in the kitchen sink. There must have been close to 200. We then dragged them out to the balcony just as the sun was coming up. Then we waited….

Sure as shit come 6am we heard it, the eight year olds screeching voice!

“Toys for sale!”, he sang along to the squeaking of his wagon wheels.

We went onto the balcony to assume our positions.

Ehh-ehh! Ehh-ehh! It echoed down the ally.

As soon as Toys For Sale rounded the corner and was directly beneath us we let loose! We dropped those water bombs as fast as we could! The poor kid didn’t know what to do!

“Ahhh! Stop!” he whined.

We just laughed and kept chucking them. He finally got the hint and started running.

I almost pissed myself but I kept throwing.


One landed by his foot and splattered his clothes.


One landed on the back of his thigh soaking him. He ran faster!


That’s when it happened!

A balloon landed on the back of his neck with full force knocking him down to the concrete! He slid on the water across the cement skinning his face.

We had gone too far.

We ran our binge drunken ass’ back into the apartment closing the door and shutting the blinds behind us. We waited for the police. We were sure that we were going to be arrested.

The police never came.

Poor Toys For Sale. His drug addict parents didn’t even care.

One point for Drunken Skank. Zero for Toys For Sale.


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