Sausage Island

I am now waiting out my afternoon alone in a Mexican restaurant. I have two hours to kill before my shift starts at work.

This place reminds me of a restaurant I ate at on a little California island early this year while waiting for my boat to take me back home.

Eating is a bit of an exaggeration though. Really I was drinking like a fish. I must have had seven margaritas that afternoon. Sitting there with Gruff and Jenny.

They were locals to the Island. I had met them while visiting on my honeymoon, with Beans. We had kept in contact. Since my divorce Gruff and I had been “sexting”.

Gruff had the hots for me and really wanted me to come visit. I had been inebriated the one and only time I hung out with him. I was fully aware of beer goggles but still figured why the hell not. It’s a free trip.

Gruff bought my boat tickets and a hotel room. Gruff told me his friend owned the nicest hotel on the island and we would be getting the best suite.
When the weekend finally arrived I took my hopeful, slutty, fake breasted self to the boat dock and to the ticket counter. I showed the clerk my ID and was given my tickets.

First class!

Free booze!

Good job Gruff!

I walked onto the boat and grabbed my complimentary cocktail. Ahhhh, mini, island, overnight vacation!

I needed this!

After an hour of  cruising the seas we docked. I walked my bubbly, buzzed butt off the boat. I saw a hand waving at me.

There was Gruff in all of his white trash glory.

Shit. What I had done?

“Oh well”, I thought, “Jenny would be hanging with us too. It’s not so bad.”

Then I heard it.

Gruff spoke.

He had a voice like a robot. Twenty years of smoking had crept up on Gruff’s vocal chords. I was looking around for his voice box. There wasn’t one.

Gruff had long shaggy hair. He was shaking like he was on drugs. He was short, plus he had the biggest ass I had ever seen on a man. I’m sure it would make black women jealous. “Sir mix a lot” could write a song about it.

Think positively!

At least theres always booze!

Gruff thought that way too. Once we got into his car he handed me a bootle of champagne.

Maybe Gruff wasn’t so bad after all.

He asked me if I was hungry. I said yes. I expected Gruff to take me to a romantic restaurant. Instead he took me to the bank to cash his tiny paycheck. Then he took me to a street vendor.

Once we bought our foil wrapped food we headed to the hotel.

The hotel was very old. The court yard was empty. Gruff unlocked the door and opened it to a room the size of a closet. It was just big enough to fit a bed and TV.

Gruff popped opened the champagne.

A toast!

To me!

We drank.

Then Gruff said he had to finish a little work and would be back in an hour tops.

I checked out the bathroom. Not bad. It was actually bigger than the room plus it had a hot tub! I could live with this.

I decided while I was waiting for Gruff’s return I’d do a little shopping. I checked out the local boutiques and bought a few things.

Here I am drunk in the hotel. I'm modeling my boutique purchase.

Then I got a text from Jenny. She was in a shop on the same street. I stopped in and said hello.

I walked back to the hotel after an hour had passed and Gruff wasn’t back yet. I texted him. He said it would be a little while longer still so I finished the Champagne.

The hours came and went.

Gruff never came back.

He finally called. He told me to go to a local seafood restaurant and he would meet me for dinner. So I did.

I ordered a drink and waited.

I ordered another drink and an appetizer and waited.

I ordered another drink and dinner and waited.

I ordered desert and another drink……and waited.

I had just paid the check when Gruff finally showed up.

He apologized. I was pissed off but also I was pretty drunk. I should have told him off but thought “fuck it”. I was only here for the night and it was already after ten pm.

Gruff and I headed to a local bar where we met up with Jenny and had more drinks. I was tossed. Jenny was flirting with a guy she just met, Steve.

We all hung out until closing. Then, the four of us went back to the hotel room. Gruff (in his boxers) and I (in my bikini) got into the hot tub. We invited Jenny and Steve to join us but they declined and instead made out on the bed.

After an hour or so, all pruney, we got out of the tub. I took off my wet, bathing suit and got into a towel.

Gruff and I walked out of the bathroom to find Steve and Jenny almost naked on the bed. Again I tried to convince them to get in the hot tub.

This time Steve said yes.

So, I did what any drunken skank would do on an island vacation.

I followed Steve into the bathroom and dropped my towel while peering down on his enormous erection. He saw me watching, smiled and motioned me towards him.

I sat on it.

Thats right. I slipped Steve’s big ol’ snake of love inside me.

Thats when it happened.

Gruff walked in, seeing me screwing Steve, and exploded in rage.

He grabbed a chair and smashed it against the wall, Steve pushed me off of him and tried to calm Gruff down to no avail. Steve grabbed his clothes and left. Jenny wasnt far behind.

After about a half an hour Gruff finally calmed down. I climed into bed. Gruff climed into bed too. He touched me leg. I turned over and thats when I felt it.

Enormous wang.

Gruff was packing.

So, I did what any girl not wanting to miss a second chance to get her rocks off would do.

I hopped on pop and rocked Gruff’s world.

Then I passed out.

I woke up that next morning disgusted and ashamed of myself. I walked into the bathroom and purged.

This woke up Gruff.

He was in better spirits.

In fact Gruff was in love.

With me.

He was so much in love with me he was comfortable around me. By comfortable I dont mean “Gruff could be himself”, I mean Gruff was treating me like his wife. At least I think that was his mind set because he kept blowing ass like it was an olympic sport. Gruff was going for the flagalance gold. The sound bellowed out of his enormous ass like a sea lion in heat.

I’m pretty sure he earned a metal that morning.

I needed to get the fuck out of  there! My boat wasnt leaving for another three hours.

I suggested we go to the mexican restaurant by the boat. Gruff said he couldnt afford it, he had spent all his money on the boat and room.

I offered to pay.

Then he texted Jenny. She would be joining us, THANK GOD.

So, thats when I started drinking. Three hours later I was seven or eight margaritas in. I paid the $120 lunch tab then walked out towards the boat.

Thats a lie, I stumbled to the boat.

Finally! I was going home.

I said my goodbyes and headed to the boarding area. The guard stopped me. I couldnt get on yet, I had to go to the end of the line and wait my turn.

Gruff had sent me home coach.

The next day gruff sent me a message on facebook telling me he had an amazing time and wanted to know when I would be back.

I responded by telling him that I regretted the entire trip and that I wouldn’t be back.

Gruff didn’t take the disillusion of our “marriage” very well.

He called me a cheap whore, a liar and a bitch.

I’m sure I deserved it. I finally had to block him on facebook.

Poor Gruff. He didn’t know that there is only one man I will ever
marry. His name is Donut.


  1. Following a ride on the Hoboken Ferry, 76 Trombones and the Ole Braggiole any east coast gal could tell the same tale… fuck Gruff, every fella has been divorced with less flair than a text.


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