Today I am going to tell you a little bit about the dumbest day of my life:
The day I married Beans.
I was already two months pregnant. The baby was planned. I had only known Beans three months.
You see, I was a single mother raising a one year old son on my own when I met Beans. I was lonely, I always dreamed of a family plus the economy just tanked.
I was desperate.
I remember the morning of our wedding day. I awoke in a panic. I messaged Red. Red told me everything would be fine. I was just having cold feet. She told me to relax and get on with it.
So, I did what any 27 year old, single mom in a hopeless situation would do. I married the first idiot that came along.
I blame the entire mess on Red.
Beans and I had decided to elope. We couldnt afford a wedding anyway. Plus I was pregnant, it’s not like I would be able to enjoy a reception.
I put on a slutty red dress. Beans put on a sports coat and his favorite pair of chucks.
We needed a witness. First I called my friend, Tangerae. She was thrilled to be the witness. However, she lectured me, I couldnt very well invite her and not invite Laverne!
This was true.
Laverne would meet us at the court house shortly.
I called my mom in hopes she would babysit my son. She agreed but said she would rather witness the ceremony. She would meet us at the chapel.
Beans called his friend Mitchell, after all if I was having a friend, it’s only fair Beans had a friend there too.
Beans is a baby.
We made a stop and picked up Mitchell. My friends met us at the court house.
We attained our marriage license then it was off to the chapel. Beans had a friend who owned a chapel at a major hotel so we got in that day at half price.
My friends followed.
My mom was to meet us there.
In the car on the way, Mitchell and Beans started having “guy talk” in front of me.
Mitchell said to Beans, “Hope that pussy is good man because its the last one you will ever have!”
“It feels good.” Beans answered.
What an idiot.
Then Beans mentioned he had to call his twin brothers to wish them a happy birthday.
WE WERE GETTING MARRIED ON HIS BROTHERS’ BIRTHDAYS!
We arrived to the hotel and the three of us made our way through the casino floor.
I stopped at the first bar and grabbed a drink. A glass of champagne. I downed it in one gulp.
Yes, I know you are judging me now, but my doctor said one was ok, plus DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES!
I really needed a bottle of vodka!
Feeling a little lighter we entered the chapel.
Thats when I saw it!
My ENTIRE FAMILY was there.
*You can see my surprise*
We made our way to the alter.
The Pastor began to speak as I began to tremble. Beans was holding my hands. I looked into his eyes.
Beans was man crying.
My trembles were turning into shakes. I couldnt breathe. I looked left. I looked right. I saw the exit.
My brother must have been watching me because just at that very moment, as I was preparing to drop Beans hands and bolt out the door, we made eye contact. My brother shook his head and crossed his arms.
I was screwed.
*At this very moment I was whispering into Laverne’s ear, “What the fuck did I just do?”*
Not literally of course. I did not have sex on my wedding night. Nor did I have sex on my honeymoon.
The nightmare was just beginning.
Of course, Donut gave me wedding night sex I will never forget. Thats another story.