It’s happened to even the best of us.
You go out to a bar or club. Have a few too many and end up sleeping with someone you regret.
I pretty much regret everyone I have slept with sober. So, you can imagine just what kind of beasts I’ve brought home under the influence.
Some people are smarter about this situation than I was. Most people boink and bail. Not me. I invited a man to follow me home 40 miles.
I woke up that morning dehydrated with a headache. I stretched my arms, rolled over, and there it lay.
Now, I can’t technically say that Lolli-Pop was indeed a midget. At roughly five foot, he’s considered a normal man, physically.
I’m pretty sure he was also slightly retarded.
Where the hell did I find this dwarf you are asking?
First off, he was dancing on a box at a club most of the night. He was in the air! I couldn’t tell how short he was! Secondly, Loli-Pop was hanging out with one of my old friends so he couldn’t be that bad, right?
I found out later my friend didn’t even know the leprechaun.
Anyway, Loli-Pop wakes up. I engage him in some pillow talk. He eventually leaves but not until after I promise him a date.
Flash Forward: Night of date.
Loli-Pop arrives to pick me up. He does not knock on my door. His five foot ass is outside in his huge truck honking his horn.
I should have locked my doors and turned off the lights but instead I went outside.
I opened his truck door. I stepped up into the passenger seat. There, in the driver’s seat, is the little man sitting on the yellow pages.
Thats right! A phone book.
I looked over to discover Loli-Pop was wearing black, vinyl, short shorts.
His hairy, short thighs hanging out and all. He could barely reach the peddles with his pointed toes.
Once I shut the door, we were off. Loli-Pop was quite the gentleman. He offered me a tequila cocktail. In the car. I declined. This didn’t stop Loli-pop from sipping his while he drove.
I was going to die.
This fear worsened as we got onto the freeway. Loli-pop was a terrible driver.
We eventually made it onto the 101. There was a lot of stop and go traffic.
That’s when it finally happened.
Loli-Pop hit another car.
We pulled over.
“You go talk to him!” Loli-Pop ordered.
“What? I’m not going to talk to him for you! YOU hit him!”
“I can’t go over there in these shorts. I’ll get beat up!”
Damn. Loli-Pop had a point.
I got out, exchanged insurance info and assessed the damage. Loli-pop was lucky tonight.
With the car anyway.
Not with me.
We got to the club. I went straight to the bar. Loli-pop climbed his munchkin ass onto a box to dance and stayed there all night. I was freed! I ran into a friend that would drive me home. I left without even saying goodbye.
Two days later I was at work when I received the first surprise:
A dozen, long stem, red roses delivered to my work. They were from Loli-Pop. I never told him where I worked!
There was a card.
The card read,
“To my lovely lady, I look forward to my life with you.”
What did this mean?
I gave the flowers to a co-worker.
I got home that night to find my answering machine lit up. I pressed play.
“*****, I came by to see you today. You didn’t answer. You must have been at work receiving my little present. Call me so I know you got them.”
What a creep!
A few days went by. Loli-Pop called. I didn’t answer. He left a few voicemails requesting I call him. I deleted them.
That night, after a long shift at work, I came home and poured myself a glass of wine.
That’s when it happened.
A knock at my door. My dog started barking. I looked out the window. It was Loli-Pop!
I silently walked into the kitchen, hiding from the windows.
The knocks got louder. The dog kept barking. Then the yelling began,
“*****! I know you are in there! I saw you! Please come talk to me, honey! What did I do?”
Bark! Bark! Bark!
“Baby, please let me in or at least come outside.”
Bark! Bark! Bark!
“Princess! Stop hiding from me”
Now, I know what you are thinking! “How can I be afraid of a little man?” You think I’m a pussy! I’ll have you know, I’ve seen Chucky! I know what the tiny are capable of!
It’s a damn good thing I didn’t go out there. Loli-Pop is a bit unstable.
Bark! Bark! Bark!
“You fucking bitch! Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hiding! You are a cheap slut! I can’t believe I even fucked you!”
Loli-Pop was pissed! This went on for a good hour. I debated calling the police but I was too embarrassed.
All of a sudden, it stopped.
Thirty minutes later my phone rang.
I didn’t answer. The machine picked up.
“Hi baby! It’s me. I went to your house tonight to see you but you must not have been home. Please call me when you get this.”
The little terror was trying to trick me!
Five minutes later my phone rang. Again, I let the machine get it. Loli-Pop’s voicemails were following the same pattern as his knocks. The more time that passed, the angrier Loli-Pop got!
“You God-damned whore! You led me on and now you are hiding like a coward!”
“Why wouldn’t you open your door? You will open your legs for me but not your door?”
“You promised me your heart but instead you are smashing mine!”
I probably had 25 messages by the time he called it quits.
I did not sleep that night.
The next day I was paranoid. I was looking over my shoulder (OK, under my shoulder) scared he was following me.
Luckily, he didn’t show up again. The next night he left a few, less aggressive voicemails. On some of them he was even crying.
A week later he tried calling again.
Then it finally stopped.
I hope he died.
Also, I hope there is a special place in hell reserved just for them. You know where all their furniture is too small.
A white Kia was stopped at a light next to me this morning. I didn’t even look over.