Chippendales Snail Trails

Thursday I was out for my morning run when the text came in.

It was Laverne!

“*****, is there anyway you can make it down to Vegas tomorrow night? I have an extra ticket to Chippendales. It’s a four pack! Tangerae and Lola are going too. We can surprise them! I won’t tell them you are coming down.”

FUCK.

YES.

So, I did what any lonely, newly sober, miserable, sex deprived Who Res would do.

I begged Beans to babysit.

Beans said yes!

Then, I  packed that night. Friday morning the kids and I were on our way.

It was a long drive (roughly 4 hours). I stopped at Del Taco halfway to let the kids stretch their legs and grab lunch. It was really greasy and gross.

Two hours later we were in town. Beans wanted to meet at the mall. I texted him when we arrived. He said he was on his way and would meet us in ten minutes.

I got the kids out of the car. We walked in and to the food court. I bought the three of us lemonade. I sat at a table and the kids took off their shoes and entered the play area.

Thats when I felt it.

My stomach started to rumble and my ass started to burn. My greasy quesadilla needed an exit, NOW.

I looked around for the bathroom. It was on the opposite side from where I was sitting.

Crap (no pun intended)!

I couldnt leave the kids unattended.

I looked at my clock. It had been thirty minutes since Beans had texted his reply.

I texted him back, “Are you close? Hurry, I might shit myself.”

I could feel my time was growing short. The pain was intensifying.

I was debating on trying to round up the kids and make a run for it when I saw Beans’ old, wrinkled, bald head walk inside.

Thank God!

I was saved.

He was walking towards me.

Then he disappeared!

Where was he?

I texted him, “I saw you come in, I really need the restroom. Where are you?”

That dumb ass stopped at a wooden cross selling kiosk!

Grrrr! Dumb ass, compulsive, crap buying Beans!

Finally, he made his way over. I barely made it to the restroom in time.

I could have killed him.

We had coffee.

Then we grabbed the kids and headed out.

Something stunk, BAD!

“Did you just fart?” I asked my son.

He shook his head and then his face turned bright red.

PJ was not as lucky as I had been.

Diarrhea.

Everywhere.

I took PJ into the family restroom, cleaned him as much as I could and threw away his underwear.

No matter! He was Beans’ problem now!

HA HA HA HA!

After the kids were loaded in Beans’ car, I was off to Laverne’s house to get ready in my slut dress and hooker heels.

Before I got out of the car I picked up my phone and I emailed Morthos.

Thats right!

I still think about him and his amazing sex plus, you know, I need to get over Donut.

I sent him this:

“Morthos, I’m in town alone for one night. I’ll be at the Rio for a few hours. Then, I’ll be staying at Laverne’s, unless you have a better idea.”

Come on, I hadn’t had sex since Donut (Brutus doesn’t count)! Thats roughly six months since orgasm.

It’s been rough.

I got out of the car and walked up to the porch.

I knocked.

Laverne opened.

We hugged.

Dressed.

Then headed out.

Tonight for the first time ever I was the designated driver.

Laverne handed me the voucher, “My dad won these in an auction!”

I glanced down at the paper. Then,I grabbed the damn thing from her!

WTF!

“Laverne! This was a charity auction for a PRESCHOOL! Your DAD bought FOUR tickets to Chippendales from a preschool?!”

“I know! Crazy, right?” She asked.

I thought for a moment, “No, actually. Of course he did. This makes perfect sense.”

Bwahaha!

I have known this family my whole life.

This IS the norm.

We pulled up to Tangerae and Lola’s house. I got out and was walking to their door to surprise them when I asked Laverne to empty out the toys, in the back seat of my car, into the trunk.

She did, cautiously.

Along with toys, she removed petrified Mc Donalds, moldy Cheetos, melted crayons. You name it!

Damn kids.

Poor Laverne!

I dont know who I felt more sorry for, her for having to pick that shit up, or Tangerae and Lola who actually would be sitting there with the remnants.

I knocked on the door and covered the peep hole with my finger.

Tangerae opened it, saw me and screamed.

She stunk like a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Tangerae was already drunk.

Yippee!

The four of us loaded into my car and headed to the Rio.

Once inside the casino we made our way to the ticket counter and showed the clerk our voucher.

I had Laverne snap a picture.

Just before Tangerae pushed me out of the way and started dry humping the cut outs.

Lola started licking them.

The ticket girl asked Laverne if we were celebrating anything special. Laverne told them it was my birthday (my birthday was a few days prior but I had decided not to celebrate 32 years of failure).

Bitch.

I informed them that it was my 29th!!

The ticket girl told us a preformer would be announcing it during the show.

Tangerae overheard and decided she wanted to celebrate her birthday too, even though it’s not until next month.

We told the ticket girl that Tangerae was turning 50. Also that her name was Tangerae, Tangerae!

Uh huh!

I gave her the handle name!

We stopped at the bar. I ordered nothing. Tangerae ordered basically an entire bottle of merlot in a tall, nudie, souvenir cup. The other skanks ordered Long Islands.

It was about to get interesting.

I checked my phone, still no reply from Morthos, my sword lord.

We were seated front row center. We had the prime seats! I couldnt believe it!

Great buy, Laverne’s dad!

The place was a lot smaller than I had imagined. Pretty much it was a shit hole.

I grabbed the first seat and made the other three bitches sit around me.

The lights went down. Then men came on.

Much like sex with a fat chick, this strip show was not something that was supposed to be enjoyed sober.

It had to be the cheese-iest, gay-est piece of crap I’d ever seen. The lip synching was ridiculous.

I had to sit through 90 minutes of this crap, sober?

Fuck.

Just when I was starting to fall asleep I looked to my right.

Thats when I saw it.

Who Res mouth procreation.

Yup.

Tangerae and Laverne were making out.

They needed attention.

No one cared.

Then something else happened.

Before I even knew what was going on, a muscle clad, almost naked beef cake grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my chair.

I was going on stage.

Oh, crap.

Laverne freaked out. I was holding hands with the “Amazing Race Guy!”. I dont watch TV but Laverne was a huge fun.

She kept saying “Amazing Race Guy” all night. Well, more like she was slurring it.

She was pretty drunk.

I tip toed up on the stage and was passed around from dancer to dancer like a piece of meat.

I was making that weird, nervous, wedding face (the one where I’m about to run away) and my hands were cold and clammy. I was directed to put them on a tan, hairless, muscular ass.

I did as I was told.

It was the first time I had ever touched a mans ass that even had muscle on it!

Almost every man I have touched naked, with in the last decade, has had a white, hairy, saggy, squishy, old man ass (Well, with the exception of Donut. Everything about Donut is prefect)!

I now take back all negative comments I made about the show earlier.

I love the Chippendales dancers.

I don’t even care if most of them are gay.

I love them.

Lola was brought up on stage after me.

I could read her lips. She was telling the dancer,

“Oh ya! Thats nice!”

Poor Tangerae and Laverne. Despite how loud they were they were still being ignored.

So, they made out some more.

The show stopped.

The announcing began!

I’ll be damned!

They announced Tangerae, by Tangerae!

That bitch was finally getting some attention.

She loved it! Then the thong, clad man asked Tangerae,

“Tangerae isn’t your real name, is it?”

She shook her head, no.

He didn’t ask her if she was really fifty.

We eventually made it to my car after the show.

Tangerae was belligerent. She kept threatening to vomit in my back seat.

I was trying to find places to pull over at the same time while trying to follow Laverne’s drunken, last minute (TURN RIGHT!) directions.

We were stopped at a light and I was attempting to set up my GPS.

I caught it out of the corner of my eye.

Laverne, sitting in the passenger seat next to me was making “V signal” to a cab full of twenty something  men to our left.

They loved this. They were cheering like we were at a pep rally.

Laverne’s filthy, wet tongue was slobbering all over her vagina shaped fingers.

Lola had her top off.

Then, before I could get the window down, Tangerae unleashed her bottle of chunky, red wine all over my back seat.

I’ll never get the smell out.

Morthos never replied.

Laverne let me keep the souvenir poster. When I got home tonight I taped it to my grandmas bedroom wall. Grandma says she is going to have nice dreams.

It was nice being far enough away that I wasn’t bothered by even the thought of seeing a Kia.