Liar Liar Zipper On Fire

I was 21, juggling three jobs (doing hair and managing a cosmetics line by day, burlesque dancing at night) when the call came in from my mother.

“Our house is finally finished, we are moving in, in a few days. I’m selling the old one. Your brother is not moving in with us because he said he didn’t want to. So, we didn’t build him a room. Since we are selling the old house, he has nowhere to go. I thought maybe you would want to buy it and he could live with you.”

Holy shit!

Was my mom really offering me my childhood home? I couldn’t say no even if it was a three bedroom dive in the ghetto of Henderson! I couldn’t let my brother be homeless either.

So, I did what any neive, 21 year old, girl looking to start a life would do.

I quit all three jobs, packed my bags and drove to Las Vegas two weeks after the phone call.

I got into town. I called my mom. The call went like this,

“Hey mom, I’m here. Redbeard said I could stay at his place for a few days if I need to. Were you ready for me to move in now?”


“What are you talking about?” My mom asked.

“The house. You told me to come buy it and take care of my brother, remember?” I reminded her.

“I never said that. I thought maybe if you had a job out here first and saved some money I might consider it.” She said.

“That is not what you told me two weeks ago. You said you would let me stay there two months to get my feet on the ground first. I have an appointment for my Nevada, Cosmetology license exam next month. I quit my jobs! I moved!” I said.

“That was before I talked to my husband and he said he didn’t think it was a good idea. Besides we already found a buyer.”

I hate her.

I didn’t talk to her again for five years.


This was also the same time my on again, off again relationship with Redbeard ended. When it rains it pours! Redbeard let me stay three days. Then, he finally confessed to me that he had met someone else.

He actually had just met the girl he would marry, but that’s another story.

I had to leave. I had nowhere to go.

Up until that point, Redbeard was the love of my life! I was absolutely devastated.

Luckily I have a lot of friends. I couch surfed. I needed money.

So, I did what any, drunken, depressed, helpless young woman would do when faced with hard times.

I started stripping.


First, I checked out all the clubs. I found two of the least scary and started working. When you are new to a club you do not have seniority over the schedule. You work the worst possible hours. I worked from four in the morning until noon.

Fucking, shit.

Now, I had been dancing Burlesque in Hollywood before this. I thought I had a heads up on how things ran.

Not the same thing. Not even close.

When I danced burlesque I was on an hourly pay plus dollar tips from the stage. I never did a lap dance before. I had no idea what one entailed. My idea of stripping was spinning on a pole in pasties, not dry grinding in some perv’s boner, topless, until he orgasmed!

I didn’t make any money.

Not only did I not make money, I lost money! You see when you work at the big clubs in Vegas, you are an independent contractor. You pay to work. Then you tip out the house. Plus I ran up a huge bar tab every night trying to drown my nerves.

Something good did come of this, however. One night, while crying on the inside, I spotted the most beautiful, platinum blonde I had ever seen. She was heavier than me but everything about her body was firm. Her skin was like porcelain, it radiated. She had zero cellulite.

Her name was Lady.

Lady walked up to me and sat down. She began speaking. Her voice was soft and sensual. Right now I totally want to start singing Madonna’s song, “Like a Prayer”! Just like a payer, her voice was taking me there!

I was in love with a girl.

Lady liked me too. She showed me the in’s and out’s of the club. She was really into beauty and when she found out I was in the industry, she became really excited. She even invited me to her apartment and paid me to cut her hair. I was grateful for this because I needed some way to make a little money.

While cutting Lady’s hair I told her my story and how I was couch surfing.

This upset her.

As, I was combing through her sweet, soft, baby fine hair the door swung open. A man walked inside. It was Lady’s boyfriend.

“This is Pepe!” Lady introduced us.

Pepe was tall and thin. Arms full of tattoos. He was at least a decade and a half older than I was yet his face was still riddled with teenage acne. He wore eyeliner like a rock star. Pepe thought he was a rock star, he and Lady had formed their own band. They played shows and were actually fairly well known in Las Vegas at the time.

Pepe had big, twitching eyes. He looked me up and down. He was a creep through and through.

I thought he was damn hot!

Pepe thought the same of me. He used to always tell me that I was out of his league.

As a matter of fact, Pepe and Lady asked me to move in. Then something else happened.

They asked me to be their girlfriend.

I said yes.

I woke up in bed next to them one morning after I had been living there about a week. The sun was peering through the blinds. The bed was shaking.

I rolled over and what I saw next scared the living shit out of me.

There was Lady on her back, her legs up in the air resting on Pepe’s shoulders. Lady was moaning. Pepe was penetrating her like a rabbit. He was making the ugliest sex face I had ever seen. Sweat and oil dripping off his forehead.

Oh my God!

They were doing it!

I jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. I know I said I would be their girlfriend but I wasn’t ready to go all the way. I mean, I thought that there would be alcohol involved!

I sat down by the stairs. After a few minutes Lady came out in a t-shirt and sat down next to me.

“We didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you were OK with this. What happened?” she asked me, in the voice of an angel that just so happened to be filled with the spooge of the devil.

“I’m sorry. It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it is all.” I told her.

The next night the three of us headed to a hotel. Pepe had reserved a room with a hot tub. We drank lots of alcohol, we soaked in the tub, naked. Soon, I was ready to let my guard down. The three of us got on the bed.

I made out with Pepe, then Lady. They made out with each other. Lady started sucking on Pepe’s man part and I stuck a vibrator up Lady’s who-ha.

Lady did not like this. Lady only likes clitoral action. This was the night I learned all woman are not made equal. I may be an amazing lay with a man but when it comes to women I’m clueless.

No matter! Pepe was coming in for the kill. He was going to take over.

That’s when it happened.

The plane crashed. The building imploded. Pepe went soft. He freaked out. He had failed as a man.

Pepe was a little crazy. Instead of maybe trying some deep breathing exercises or perhaps a cigarette break, Pepe broke a beer bottle.

Pepe was enraged at himself and his ruined performance. He started destroying the hotel room.

Lady, being Heaven sent, or perhaps just prepared after being in a relationship with Pepe for seven years worked her charm and calmed the psychopath down.

We were sitting on the bed together when I noticed it for the first time.

Genital wart.

That’s right Pepe had HPV. He had a huge wart on the side of his member.

Lady noticed me looking.

“That’s not what you think it is!” She told me. “Pepe zipped himself up a few years ago and it scarred!”

I was 21, I was entranced with Lady. Although I was skeptical at first, I believed her.

A few nights after that Lady went out of town for the weekend to visit family. Pepe and I spent the weekend at the pool smoking cigarettes and drinking “Sparks”. If you have never had it, it’s malt liquor and energy drink in a can. We were drunk and wired. We didn’t sleep. We literally sat at the pool for 36 hours. When we began, it was daytime, then it turned into night. The sun came back up again…We looked like “las Vegas Rasins”. Burned and pruney. I was in a little, sheer, blue sequined bikini that was actually a burlesque outfit.

See-through, dental floss!

Had I have been in any other town I would have been arrested for indecent exposure!

When we finally left the pool that second evening we went back to the apartment and had sex for the first time.

Pepe fell in love.

Lady arrived home the next day.

Pepe told Lady he was in love with me and that he wanted to marry me. Lady was devastated, I was too. I liked Lady more than Pepe.

But I was stuck.

I had nowhere to go.

I was young and dumb.

Lady moved out of state and back home with her family a few days later.

Pepe and my adventures were just beginning, but that’s another story.

I talked to Lady a year after everything had happened. She told me she met someone and they had moved in together. Lady was pregnant. This was exciting news because Lady loved children and had been wanting one for a long time but Pepe had refused.

I teased her and told her she was stupid! Why would she want a kid? I was 21 and my biological clock had not kicked in yet.

Lady was patient with me in her explanation. I decided I was happy for lady after all.

A week later, at only five months along, Lady went into labor. The doctors could not save her baby. Lady was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Turns out, because of Pepe’s zipper lie, Lady never had herself tested for HPV.

HPV, if left untreated, is the number one cause of cervical cancer.

Lady can no longer have children.

I found lady on facebook a couple years ago and friend requested her.

She never responded.


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