Disclaimer: I am not racist. I hate everyone equally.
There are two things I hate most about the Holidays. The traffic and the overcrowded malls.
Today was my bi-weekly Barstow trip to meet my ex-husband, Beans. This trip, I was picking up my daughter, Tallulah.
As usual we were to meet at the Mc Donalds at noon. Beans suggested we leave later than our normal time after checking the traffic report.
Pffft.
Beans doesnt know anything. He’s an idiot. It never takes me more than ninety minutes to get there.
I lied and told Beans that I had plans later on.
I woke up and was getting ready this morning when I discovered the period from hell. If you haven’t already seen the “incident” here’s the link. My sad shoe 😦
Anyone feel like walking in my shoes today?
I got on the road a bit later than my regular time. I had to make a stop for gas. Then, I decided I needed Starbucks.
When I finally merged onto the freeway it was a stand still.
Great.
Stupid, holiday traffic.
Very boring.
I cruised along at THREE (mph) for a good hour.
At one point my tiny car was sitting in the middle lane, wedged between two huge SUV’s.
I found this erotic.
Perhaps I outta rethink this whole “no dating” thing.
After two hours of this crap I finally made it onto the interstate, just to hit more traffic.
I needed some entertainment.
So, I decided to text Beans:
Me: I’m stuck in traffic. I told you we should have left later.
Beans: Ha, ha! Hate to say I told you so but…
Me: I told YOU so. Fu@k! I have to pee.
Beans: Ha, ha! Maybe next time you will trust me. We are already in Barstow. Mc Donald’s is packed.
Me: Trust you? That’s the funniest thing you have ever said. When did you go to ‘Comedy School’?
Beans: It’s OK. You don’t have to admit I was right. It’s cool. So many Asians and Mexicans here.
Me: Mexicans are about your speed. Go sweet talk some Italian to the Cholas. Ha ha! I have got to stop making fun of you before I pee myself.
Beans: How far away are you?
Me: Far. Why don’t we meet in Victorville instead, at Olive Garden? I’ll buy.
Beans: We are at Mc Donald’s already. You left late didn’t you? Lol
Me: I’m sitting in traffic. I’m aware you are already at Mc Donald’s. Now, get your moronic ass back in the car OR sit there for an hour with the minorities. I don’t give a shit.
Beans: Oh, gee, let me run! Haha! see you soon 🙂
Me: I’d love to see your fat, lazy ass TRY to run. Your saggy, white, old man butt cheeks flopping in the wind.
Beans: AWWWWW! Someone is upset. Lol.
Me: If by upset, you mean laughing my sexy ass off, then yes. I’m devastated.
Beans: OK. How far away are you?
Me: Like sex with you on Lortabs, it’s gonna be a while.
Beans: It’s been an hour. How far away are you?
Me: We could be eating at Olive Garden in five minutes, had you listened to me.
Beans: Still upset I see.
Me: If by upset, you mean, enjoying myself immensely while making fun of you. Then yes. Very upset.
Beans: We already ate. I’ll remember that while I’m driving back with your Christmas gift.
Me: Well, I’m still giving you yours because I’m not a petty bitch.
Beans: Jury still out on that one. Ha ha. GOTCHA!
Me: Finally, he has a come back. You make mama real proud. Now, maybe, you can learn how to tie your shoes.
Beans: Was that a comeback? Lame. Lol!
Me: My point, exactly. 29 more miles. My bladder might explode.
Beans: I know your legs are the size of twigs and you are suffering from “no-ass-at-all”, but try to step on it. Lol! Gotcha again!
Me: You think I’m skinny?!?! Thanks! I was totally having a “fat” day too! Getting off the freeway. I have to run to the bathroom first thing though.
Beans: You will have to take Tallulah with you, she won’t go in the mens room with me.
Me: After! I have period to deal with! Check your email (I had just sent beans the “shoe” picture from this morning. Bwahahahahaha!)!
After FOUR hours of driving, I pulled off the freeway and into the Mc Donald’s parking lot. I saw Beans and Tallulah standing near Beans’ car. I parked next to them and got out. I gave Tallulah a hug and then started hurrying to the bathroom. Beans stopped me.
“Tallulah has to go too!” he said.
“I know! But, I’m having an emergency…ugh. OK. Fine. Come on baby.” I said, grabbing Tallulah’s hand.
We entered the stall. I lined the seat.
“Mommy needs to go first, honey. Can you hold this for me?” I hand her the unwrapped tampon.
“Turn around and look at the door. Mommy needs a private moment.” I tell her.
Tallulah turns and faces the door.
I pee for five minutes.
“What is this thing, Mommy?” She asked me about the tampon she is holding.
The bathroom is full of people.
“Uhhh, I don’t know.” I say quietly
“What, Mommy? I said, WHAT IS THIS CALLED?”
“SHHH! It just doesn’t have a name. Give it to me!”
Tallulah turns around, looks into the toilet full of blood.
“Oh, Mommy! That’s disgusting!” she screams.
“I know! Turn back around!” I order.
I put the tampon in as fast as I can and flush away all the evidence. The tampon kind of Hurt! I figured it was because my vagina must be getting tight now that I’ve given up sex.
I’m like a virgin again!
I line the toilet for Tallulah and lift her on. She sits there for a moment then says,
“I’m done. I don’t have to go.”
Figures!
We wash our hands and return to the parking lot. I now notice the shirt Tallulah is wearing.
It is shiney, rainbow lame tiger striped! Holy hell!
“Talulah looks like she is a homosexual on her way to a rave, Beans! All she needs is a glow stick! Who picked this shirt out? It was your mother wasn’t it?” I ask.
“Huh, no. I picked it out.” Beans said.
“Ya, I guess I should have figured you picked it out. That makes perfect sense. Actually, no gay man has this bad of taste.” I said.
“Here is your gift. I didn’t have time to wrap it.”
Beans hands me an Android Tablet.
Wow.
I should start being nicer to Beans!
“For your writing.” he said.
I am an asshole.
I handed beans his gift. It’s a picture of the kids with Santa along with a book:
The Easy Way To Quit Smoking, by: Alan Carr.
I’ve gotten everyone this gift for Christmas. I read it and quit back in September. Now, I think I’m better than all my still-smoking friends.
I’m like a born-again Christian.
Only, meaner.
We were just saying our goodbyes when it happened.
“*****! Hey, *****! Is that you?!”
WTF?
Who the Hell is calling my name in Barstow? I don’t know anyone in Barstow.
I turn around and there she is!
My good, Las Vegas, gal pal, Fole!
“Hey, girl! What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I’m visiting my family. They live down the street!” Fole announced. “We are here for the weekend.”
I peered in Fole’s car to see her brother, Mayhem. I wave hello and continue talking with Fole. Beans recognized Mayhem and went to the window to say hello.
Mayhem is a bit special in the way that he has a very mild case of Down-syndrome. Mayhem is a very sweet kid.
Plus, he raps.
I like this a lot.
Mayhem has talent.
Fole was very excited to see me. I know because she parked her car in the middle of the street. The man in the car behind her did not like this. He honked his horn repeatedly before finally deciding to go around her.
Mayhem stuck his hand out the window and flipped him off.
Beans said his goodbye. He was walking back to his car when I heard Mayhem yell for me. I walked over to the car window. Beans passed me on the way laughing his ass off.
“What?” I asked Beans.
“Nothing!” He was not very convincing.
“Where’s my kiss? You hot thing!” Mayhem said to me.
That sneaky fu@@er Beans! He is just like my mother, telling lies to the mentally challenged.
“I wanna take you out, baby!” Meyham continued.
“Listen, Mayhem, I have currently given up men. However, when I start dating again, I will give you a call first. Deal?”
Mayhem agreed.
He kissed me anyway.
Twice.
Fole invited Tallulah and I to coffee before we headed out. As We were all getting into our separate cars I remembered something!
My new Blog business cards! I must pass them out to my fans!
“Wait!” I screamed.
I handed Beans and Fole each one. Then, almost immediately, I realized my error. I shouldn’t give out only one!
I handed them each a stack as well and told them to pass them out.
I was in my car, following Fole to the coffee shop when it hit me!
My business card! On the corner it says, “I hate dogs, especially retarded ones!”
RETARDED ones!
Oh crap!
I immediately text Fole, “Don’t let Mayhem see that card! I don’t want to hurt his feelings!”
“He won’t read it!” she texts back.
Phew!
We get to the Starbucks, at the mall, it’s packed. We drive around for what seems like forever looking for parking.
We find two spots a mile away.
Once inside we order our coffee and wait the twenty minutes it takes to be served.
The holiday flavor was worth the wait.
After the coffee, I ask Fole to hang with Tallulah for a minute. As so I can have a little privacy in the ladies room.
she agrees.
Once inside, I close the stall door, pull down my panties and reach for my tampon.
It’s stuck.
Of course it is! I’m so tight now!
So, I pull harder.
PLOOP! PLOOP!
Two of those giant mother f**kers plop out and into the bowel!
No wonder it hurt!
I’m not tight like a virgin! I’m still loose like a slut! I was in such a rush with Tallulah before, I had forgotten to remove the old one!
You see kids, this is why they tell you NOT to do drugs in high school. Or college.
When I forget what the toilet is for, shoot me.
I got back to our table at the mall just in time to catch Fole in mid-conversation with her brother,
“Shut up, Meyham! You are such a retard!”
Ahhhhh, man. I love these guys!
Mayhem kissed me again on our way out.
It took us three hours to drive home.
Bah hum bug.
It's not my fault. 