I would like to tell you that by now, I’m no longer seeing Kia’s. However, I can not because that would be a lie.
It’s now been six months since Donut dumped me the second time and I’m still thinking about him every day, though not as much as I used to.
I remember the months that followed the first Donut dumping. I tried desperately to forget about him. In one of my attempts I posted a personal ad on Craigslist, looking for a date.
Included were several drunken, slutty pictures of myself.
I received over 150 responses within the first 24 hours.
Red came by and helped me sort through them. Red’s favorite was a twenty-something hunk with a shaved head. In his picture, he was holding a flower. I found out later he had cropped his exgirlfriend out.
So, I did what any desperate,drunken, heart broken whore would do. I responded to Mick (along with 35 others).
“You are alright looking, plus you like flowers. I will consider a date with you.”
Mick wrote me back.
“I will see you at six on Saturday. I will bring you flowers.”
The door bell rang.
Mick was right on time that evening and he had flowers as promised.
I love flowers.
We headed into down town Long Beach. There we ate sushi and drank martinis.
After, I invited Mick back to my place, OK, my grandmas place. We drank more. We laughed and then we snacked on some left over cornned beef and cabbage I had in the fridge. The cabbage was disgusting. I threw it off the balcony and into the neighbors yard.
Mick liked this.
He thought my antics were hilarous.
I thought Mick was OK.
In retrospect, Mick was by far the best guy I had ever dated. He was strikingly hadsome, nice, ambitious , funnier than shit….
Also, there was one more redeeming quality Mick possessed.
I grabbed Mick by his bulbous, bald head that night and threw him onto my bed. After a few minutes of spit swapping, he helped me out of my panties. Then, he enterd me.
I literally, thought I would break in half. I had never felt anything so gigantic and hard in my life. It felt like he was trying to fist me! This guy could put a beer can to shame.
Big dick, Mick.
His schlong looked like it belonged to a rhinoserous. Or, perhaps a dinosaur.
Of course, I was still obsessed with Donut so, I couldn’t be bothered to notice that Mick was a catch.
Which was fine by Mick, because I was too much of a drunk for him to take me seriously anyway.
I decided that Mick would do for the time being.
All my friends loved Mick.
Saturday became our date night.
Mick would come by in the evening, either I would make him dinner or we would go out. We would get drunk, then, have sex. Mick would stay over night and we would get brunch on Sunday.
Our relationship was simple. We never had any talks about where it was or wasn’t going. We never had any fights. There were no expectations.
Mick and I shared the same sick sense of humor.
It became tradition, once a week I would mail him a blank card with a baby on the front. Inside I would write a dead baby joke. I sent a new one pretty much every week.
Mick enjoyed this.
As did I, immensly. I have always been the queen of inappropriate happenings.
One weekend, after several months of dating, Mick didn’t come by.
He had met another girl.
Who wasn’t a drunk.
With a better body than I had.
I know because he showed me a picture of her naked ass.
I didn’t really care.
Its not like he was Donut. I was still dreaming of my sweet glazed, honey bun.
So, I started hanging out with Mackey.
One afternoon, several weeks later, Mick called me up.
His new girl had dumped him for her ex, just after he had broken his leg.
Mick was helpless. He couldn’t drive his car. He had errands to run and was lonely.
Mick needed my help.
So, I did what any low self-esteemed slut would do. I helped out my pal.
Of course I did!
I made and brought him over dinner and a pie before carting his gimp ass around town.
A little while after I discovered I was pregnant. Mackey had knocked me up.
Guess what, just around the same time, Mick found out his ex was pregnant too, with his baby.
Just as Mackey decided he wanted nothing to do with my pregnancy, Mick’s ex told him she didn’t want him to have anything to do with hers.
Both of us (Mick and I) being lonely, started sleeping together again.
One evening, roughly five months into my pregnancy, huge as a house, there was a knock on the balcony door adjacent to my bedroom. I rolled my bloated, beastly body out of bed.
There was singing.
With my pulse racing I opened the curtains.
That’s when I saw it.
Standing there, on my balcony was my drunken, coke-can-cocked Romeo.
Mick had decided to climb up to my room instead of knocking on the door.
He was toasted.
This brought me much amusement.
I let him inside.
Mick laid me down on my bed, lifted my skirt and stuffed his third leg into my hot, crotch pouch.
Mick (in his own words) was sword fighting my unborn child.
The next day we had brunch with my friend, Bassten, before heading out to the beach together. Bassten and Mick had obvious chemistry. You couldn’t ignore it. I decided since I was I was knocked up and no longer dating material that I would step back and give the two of them my blessing.
The morning of my babyshower Bassten called me up. She was at Micks. She had stayed the night with him for the first time.
I flipped out. I was hormonal. I was enraged.
For no reason at all.
First, I uninvited them both to my baby shower. Then, I reinvited Bassten. Poor thing, she came anyway and felt guilty the entire time.
Turned out, Bassten and Mick were not a perfect match after all. They ended up hating each other.
Bassten told Mick he was stupid and that he could never succeed in law school like she could.
Mick proved her wrong.
He is now an attorney.
Also, he ended up marrying the girl with the hot ass. Their son is the same age as Pj.
I found Mick on Facebook a few months ago.
I messaged him a dead baby joke.
Not surprisingly, much like all the men I have dated in the past, Mick ignored me.
Hey, Mick! If you happen to read this:
How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving vehicles!
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