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I was hanging out, having a few drinks a while back with my old friend, Rasputina. We were sitting on her porch, one summer evening, I was enjoying a cigarette while we were having girl talk.

Rasputina keeps procreating with a man almost a decade younger than her.

She is a cougar.

At 32.

“Sex with Drake is amazing!” She told me. “He is so young, he can go for a long time. Then, he can go a second round. It’s so much better than with guys our own age.”

Hmmmmmm.

This got me thinking.

I like sex a lot. I couldn’t remember the last time I was with a man who could go a round two.

Wait!

Morthos could go several rounds.

That’s right!

Morthos was in his early twenties, too.

Actually, Morthos was some of the best sex I had ever had.

Morthos didn’t have a saggy old man ass either.

Just then, Drake walked by the window.

He, had a bubble butt.

I walked inside.

“Hi, Drake,” I said. “Do you have any single friends? You know, YOUR age?”

“Ya. Lots. Why?” He asked.

“I want one.” I stated.

Drake laughed. “Let me think about who would be a good match for you and I’ll set it up.”

Perfect.

I was in.

I was gonna score myself a long lasting, multiple rounding STUD!

I was so excited I had wet dreams.

The next morning I woke up and checked my phone. No messages from Drake. What was taking him so long?

Stupid man.

So, I messaged Rasputina. “Where’s my new young stud?” I asked.

“Drake has been busy at work. I’ll ask him who he thinks is a good match for you tonight, after he gets off,” she said.

This was not good enough for me. Did this bitch not know how excited I was? I was like a rapist in a womans prison. I wasn’t going to wait another night.

I decided to do what any impatient, psycho whore would do after being teased by calf meat.

I once again used the powers of social media to achieve instant gratification.

Uh huh.

I went onto Facebook and checked out Drakes friends list. I sent friend requests to all the boys I thought were cute. Within the following few hours many of them excepted my requests. As a matter of fact, one sexy little colt named Spur sent me a message.

“I accepted your friend request, but I’m so sorry, I can’t figure out where I have met you,” Spur had written.

“We haven’t met, yet. I’m friends with Drakes girlfriend, Rasputina. Drake was just telling me last night he thought you might be single. He even said he thought you and I would be compatable and that we should meet,” I lied.

“Wow, you are very pretty. I’m flattered. I would love to meet you,” Spur worte back.

“Great. Let’s make a date,” I suggested.

“Where would you like to go?” Spur asked me.

“Do you live at home?” I asked.

Hey, he was 20 after all!

“No. I rent a room in a friends apartment.”

Perfect!

“Your room will do.”

Heh heh heh heh

I roped my pony!

I was 31, he was 20.

I had to meet him at Starbucks.

I texted Spur when I was on my way there that night.

I texted him again when I entered the freeway. 

When I exited, near his house, I messaged him a third time.

Spur had not responded.

I was a block away when I decided to turn around.

I sent a final text, “Going home now, Asshole. Thanks for flaking.”

My phone rang.

It was Spur.

I picked up.

“Ya?” I asked, obviously annoyed.

“You didn’t turn around did you? I’m sorry. My phone sucks. I just got all your messages at once. Please come back. I’m at Starbucks waiting for you.” Spur said.

“I’ve heard that excuse before. I don’t know. I’m almost to the freeway. Besides, you might be a creep.” I scolded.

“Please, please come back!” Spur begged.

Aww, little baby needed his mama.

I loved this.

I pulled up to Starbucks. There he was. Fucking adorable. Yet, still totally fuckable.

Meow.

“Parking is crap at my apartment. If you don’t think I’m a creep I’ll drive you there and you can leave your car here. I’ll bring you back after.” Spur promised.

Pffft!

Spur was so damn hot I would have sucked him off right there!

But Spur was still a sweet boy. The world had not corrupted him, yet. He was not aware that such giant whores like me existed outside of porn. I got in his little car. It obviously used to be his dads or maybe, big sisters.

Spurs apartment was just a block away. Spur parked. We got out and walked inside. His friends were sitting on the couch. I waved hello. They ignored me.

Oh, right. Teenagers. Too cool.

Spur shut his door. Then, he put on a CD, John Mayer.

I hate John Mayer.

“I hate John Mayer.” I told Spur.

“I’m so sorry!” He apologized. “I just moved in. Its my only CD. Maybe my roommates have something I can borrow. I’ll go ask!”

“No. Its cool, Spur. My attention wont be on the music anyway.”

Spur blushed.

Then, he took off his pants. He pulled my dress off too. He wasn’t sure what to do next. So, I helped him out.

I kissed him.

Spur penetrated me.

For two hours.

Spur was a bucking bronco.

A mechanical bull.

With a broken “off” button.

The first hour was quite pleasant. Spur was a hot treat on the eyes. His skin was soft and his ass was perfect. Long, lean, tattoo’d calves. He even had a beautiful face.

The John Mayer CD played on.

The second hour became redundant. I was thinking about the time and how I had to get home to my kids.

Plus, I was chaffed.

Ugh.

John Mayer continued.

That little cow needed to release his rope.

I screamed louder.

I faked an orgasm.

I told Spur how big his cock was.

Then, just as I was about to slap him in the face he finally finished.

We got dressed and he drove me back to my car. On the way, Spur started some small talk with me.

“Sorry if I took too long.”

“Its cool.” I said.

“My ex used to get mad at me.”

“I understand why! You are a little humping machine. Like a rabbit.”

Spur laughed before kissing me goodbye.

What a sweet kid.

We never did hang out again, though, we both tried. Spur still texts me on occasion. I repay him with topless pictures of myself.

One time I suggested to Donut that we have a threesome with Spur.

I wonder what my little Maple Bar is doing tonight. It’s Thursday after all.

I humped a real maple bar at my Donut Photo Shoot today.

Not nearly as fun.

Plus, I probably have a UTI now.

*Pouts*

9 thoughts on “Giddyup Bubble Butt

  1. Also bubble butts are way better than saggy old man asses. Hahaha. My ex had what I called a floppy ass and he was only 2 years older than me.

  2. Pingback: Giddyup Bubble Butt (Video) | It's not my fault.

  3. Pingback: A Compilation of Bad Dates! | It's not my fault.

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