Organic Skank

 Now that I’m unemployed I have new found freedom. I love this.  So, when I thought it might be fun to pop down to Las Vegas for the night to visit Laverne, I shot her a text message.

  She totally agreed.

 I packed up my son, PJ, and myself an overnight bag to share and we were off. 

 I’m always looking to get my rocks off. So, I sent Morthos an email, just to let him know I would be in town. Since Donut doesn’t talk to me anymore, I figured Morthos would be the next best thing. After all, Morthos is still in my top three of the best sex ever. Plus, he still talks to me, even though I’m pretty sure he lives with his girlfriend.

Me: I’ve got more free hotel rooms. I’ll be in town this weekend and again two weekends from now.

 Then, I headed out for the five hour drive.

 Once I arrived in town, Laverne and I headed out to Olive Garden with our sons in tow. We sat down and ordered while our little guys played. A couple was seated across from us. The woman had a black bob hair cut. She was younger than us, probably in her mid twenties. We could tell she was probably on her first date with the man she was with.

 Our boys were being their usual obnoxious selves, at one point they were even climbing under the table. I contemplated beating mine but I know how the law looks down on this, especially in public.

 The server arrived to the table next to us. He served the girl, Bobby, a martini.

 “Umm, what kind of cream did you use in this? Is it organic?”

 “I’m  not sure.” The waiter replied.

 “Well, what brand is the cream?”

 “I’m not sure, I’ll find out.”

 “No, that’s OK,” Bobby said, with a bitchy smirk, “just take it back.”

 “Well, I’d be more than….”

 “No! That’s OK I don’t want it.” She insisted.

 I caught a few awkward glances from Bobby as we dined but I was more involved in conversation with Laverne and attempting to keep PJ in line. Plus, she wasn’t facing me, she was facing Laverne.

  We finished our meal and were waiting for the check when it happened.

 Bobby gave Laverne a dirty look before turning to her date, “Those kids are fucking horrible. Those women really needs to get control of their little brats.”

  I thought Laverne was about to bounce right out of her booth seat. Mother bear was ready to attack.

 We were saved by the waiter. He arrived just in time to deliver our check and break up the tension. We paid, tipped and were just about to leave when I heard it.

 “Finally, now we can actually enjoy our food.” Bobby stated, to her date..

 “Come on, honey, let’s get away from  this mean lady.” Laverne grabbed her sons hand.

 “What was that, bitch?” Bobby yelled.

 Laverne put her hands over her sons ears, “You don’t want to start with me, you f@cking skank! What was that you said?”

Laverne had put up, her olive guard!

 Bobby rolled her eyes and looked away.

 “That’s what I thought, dumb bitch!” Laverne finished.

 She took her hands off her sons ears as we started walking out.

 “I used to judge other people before I had kids, it’s a whole different world after,” I said half to Bobby, half to Laverne, “I need a glass of wine after that.”

 Laverne agreed.

 Once we were back to her place, we opened and sipped on a bottle of red.

 Laverne showed me the new hats she had been working on.


 Then, I heard it.


 It was an email from my sword lord, Morthos. What luck? I was so excited, I was gonna finally get some!

Morthos: Are you in town now?

 Silly, Morthos! Meow!

Me: Yes, but I stink like garlic and wine. Plus, I brought my son. He’s going to bed soon though. Laverne is turning on the hot tub. You should come by, I’ll gargle some mouth wash, though I know you probably wont.

Morthos: Eh, no way I could anyway. I’m in a horrible mood and I don’t have a vehicle tonight.


Me: I could change your mood. What side of town are you in? That’s OK, I’ll shoot you a text in two weeks.

Morthos: Make that email, no idea if you have my actual number.

What the hell is wrong with me? I’m SO DONE!

No more dumb slut! For now on, only smart whore!



  1. Olive Cunt more like it.

    Like seriously. It was totally obvious she didn’t have any children of her own. Who talks smack about a 3 and 5 year old? That is just absolutely ri-donk-u-lous. Obviously her Momma didn’t raise her right. She was so lucky that we had the little ones there with us. I’ve never been in a confrontation before but when Momma Bear comes out, there is no stopping her. I feel that I handled that situation very nicely though. “Son, this lady is being very mean. Its obvious that she doesn’t have any babies like Mommy does, so its time to go.” That poor guy sitting with her. If that was their first date, I don’t see a second one in their future. Especially if she is as much as a prude in the sack as she was in the restaurant. I can see it now. “Jim, get your penis under control. If you don’t know where the ON switch is by now, then you never will. I don’t have the time to lay here and teach you how this is done. What did you have to eat today? Was it organic?”

    On a second note, hats are for sale 🙂


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