Guess what time it is? It’s that time of the month again. I know this because I managed to get into fights with at least THREE strangers today. 🙂
Also, because feel like the most enormous beast there ever was. I got on the scale and I have put on 6 pounds since last week! Grapefruits and water from here on out.
When I arrived home from Vegas on Sunday, I parked and unloaded my car. After I finished, I went back to lock the doors. That’s when I saw it.
A flat tire.
“My luck is really changing!” I thought to myself. Not because of the flat tire but because it didn’t happen on the interstate while driving back with my kids.
Yesterday, I filled the tire with air and drove it to the repair shop on the corner. Turns out, it needed more than just a patch, I left my car overnight. I was quoted $160 for a new tire and to have the alignment fixed. No bother! Grandpa has an extra car I can use and I had nowhere to be anyway.
I have no life.
This morning I awoke and readied my children for school. I moved the car seats into grandpas car and loaded up the kids. As I was making my way to my sons school I was trapped in a line of cars waiting to turn left. I wasn’t turning left so I put on my blinker to move into the right lane. Just as I was doing so, the bitch behind me cut me off and and honked.
I conservatively gave that bitch my biggest finger and forgetting my children were in the car, called her an ugly name. My son repeated that ugly name, oops!
Eventually, I made my way into the parking lot of Pjs school. Again, I was trapped. By the time I made my way near where I needed to park, the crossing guard was signaling me in another direction. There was a car headed into the only open spot, it was mine, God damn it!
I shrugged my shoulders at the guard and went for it!
In the wrong direction.
The guard did not like this. She walked up to my car and signaled me to roll down my window, I ignored her.
“Mommy, that lady wants to talk to you.” PJ said to me.
“I know honey, ignore her.”
She began banging on my window. Eventually, I rolled it down.
“This is a one way road!”
I looked her in the eye, “I know.”
“Well, you went the wrong way!”
“I know.” I said with a grin.
“You can’t go that way!”
“You went the wrong way! A kid almost got hit the other day. Parents have complained.”
“OK. I’m going to roll my window up now.”
My son got out of the car. I was just pulling out of the school when it happened, that same dumb bitch that cut me off earlier, cut me off again! She even honked at me before flipping me off.
Can you believe it? Whore.
I wanted to drive right into her car. Lucky for her I was driving grandpas. Of course, now that I reflect on this, he probably has a better insurance policy than I do.
Once I arrived home, I got on my sweats, turned my music up really loud and headed out for my morning run. You know, to try to burn off some of this winter blubber. I needed this, I was pissed off and feeling like a Beached whale. Once I got to the park, I headed over to the stairs and started doing my usual, up and down exercises.
No, I was not humping the steps, you are a pervert for thinking that.
Then, I saw it, dyke grandma, heading towards me. She had on a leather Harley Davidson vest, matching steel toe boots and she wasn’t alone. With her were five ugly little runts, a set of twin boys and a set of triplet girls.
Obviously, test tube babies.
The lab rats surrounded me.
Test Tube Twin number one walked right in front of me, I almost plowed into him.
Two of the three Test Tube Triplets grabbed my sweater and played a little game of tug-of-war with it. I gave them a dirty look. They just laughed and dropped my sweater into the mud.
I kept climbing. This was my park and I was going to stand my ground.
Test Tube Twin number two ran in front of me. He was too quick, I couldn’t stop, the ground was sandy. I slid and landed right on my flat, fat ass.
I had had my limit. Gun smokin’ granny was going down. I did’t care how big and manly she was, I could take her.
“Seriously?” I yelled, “You wanna move your test tube toddlers out of my way? There is a whole park for them to play on, you don’t need these steps.”
This worked. Lesbi-Gram gathered her circus freaks and left the stairs. I was too pissed to continue my work out. I left too.
When I arrived home my phone rang, it was the tire shop. My car was ready, yippee. I had my grandma drive me over to get it. She almost killed me on the way, pulling out in front of a car that was going close to fifty miles an hour and pretty much stopping. I’d say someone should take her license away but then I’d be stuck driving her around.
I got out of the car and walked into the tire shop.
“$285,” the man behind the counter said.
He looked at me blankly. Then, he started going over what I was being charged for, you know, fifty new add-ons.
“I cant afford that. You can go put my old tire back on.” I said and I sat down.
I paid $165 and I was able to keep both new tires, however I’m short $50 for my kids school next week and I have NO paychecks coming, EVER.
Please buy my piece of shit book! It’s all finished, copyrighted and being edited as we speak. It shall be hitting press next week. I’ll keep you all updated!