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I threw on a skanky pair of daisy dukes and packed an over night bag full of the sluttiest little dresses I owned. Once my purse was flung onto my shoulder, I slipped on a pair of 6 inch stilettos and jumped into my little red station wagon. Vegas, here I come!

Finally, after a long hard year my big day had arrived. That’s right! My divorce from Beans was becoming OFFICIAL!

I had dreamed of this very day for so long. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure had my first fantasy on our wedding night, while we weren’t having sex.

After I reached the interstate, I felt a wave of excitement hit me, in my panties. I don’t know if it was the release of all the marriage stress, the vibrations of the car or the way my shorts wedged against my clitoral piercing but right there, next to a van carrying a large Asian family, I Orgasmed. Without ever touching myself.

It was magical.

Once I arrived into town, my first stop was the hotel room. I changed into something more appropriate and headed out to retrieve my freedom. First stop, mediation.

It was a hot summer day. Beans had not laid his dumb eyes on me in several months. I was no longer a fatty. We sat down on a bench outside together and smoked cigarettes awaiting our turn.

“You have lost weight,” Beans stated this newfound knowledge as if he was a genius, “looks good.”

“Thanks.”

Moron.

After a good half hour of uncomfortable small talk, it was time. Together we walked into mediations. I paid a fee of $100. Beans paid nothing, he was still out on disability.

“Hello. My name is Darla,” The counselor began in the most monotone voice I had ever heard, “I will be your counselor. Let me explain how mediations works. You each will get a chance to talk to me privately, while the other waits outside. You can tell me privately, what you each need to discuss with each other. Then we all meet together and I will be here to assist should either of you need me…..”

That bitch talked on for a good 15 minutes. I wasn’t listening, I was having flash backs of my tire tickles from earlier.

Beans got up and opened the door, I was going first. My concerns on custody of my daughter were simple, education, sibling separation, her to have the right to a smoke-free house, having her own room and the female bond. I explained this to Darla in thirty seconds.

“OK, well you have to explain that to Beans, then.”

I walked out of the room, Beans entered behind me. I took a seat outside. For an hour. What the hell was he doing in there, getting a blow job? I didn’t really care what he was doing, I was ready to sign those damn papers and get back to the hotel.

My Who Res’ were throwing me a Divorce Party!

Finally! Mediation began. As I assumed, Beans didn’t listen to any of my reasoning behind what I thought would be best for our daughter. He wanted to win and was prepared to bully me until I gave in. Very annoying. I find it extremely difficult to tolerate those with small intellects.

Beans just stood his ground like a big, dumb wounded pit bull until I agreed to disagree and fight it all out in court later. Darla sat there, completely useless.

We were going over possible meet up places for our now court ordered custody exchange. Beans decided I couldn’t be trusted, even with a court order, and insisted we meet at the police station.

“Fine. I don’t care. We can picnic.” I said.

That’s when it happened. Darla started giggling. She put her hand over her mouth. Her eyes were sparkling.

“I’m glad you find this amusing, Darla.” I spat.
“I was just picturing you all at the police department, on the lawn, having a picnic. What a site.”
“You are laughing at me?” I asked.
“No, just the comment…”

It felt like I was sitting in a competition for the mentally challenged.

I gave Darla a dirty stare. That bitch shut the hell up. I decided, much like Beans, she was useless.

I filled out a comment card, truthfully, and headed out.

Party time!

Laverne pulled up to the hotel not a minute after I did, she brought a case of beer. I love that bitch.

We got dressed, I did our hair and we got our buzz on.

Once we looked like giant sluts, OK, once I looked like a giant slut, we hit the casino floor. After several rounds of cheap sparkling wine and the burning away twenties in a machine, ritual, Tangerae arrived. She wasn’t alone! Our good friend Fiona was with her. Fiona was in town for the weekend too and decided to surprise us. Yippee!

lavernemask

We threw more money away, drank lots more champagne and then Fiona said something that pissed me off.

I have no clue now what she said.

HA HA

I decided to challenge her to a wrestling match. Fiona is a lot bigger than me, probably like a foot. Also, she is pure muscle.

However, I was drunk. I was sure I could take her.

We went back into the room and I went for that bitch.

In .01 of a second she had me in a head lock.

I yelled uncle.

Fiona let me go.

The minute that beastly bitch turned away, I went for her throat.

In .01 of a second, Fiona had me in a head lock.

This time I put up a fight. I kicked and I squirmed but the ogre was not even fazed.

Tangerae and Laverne loved this. I’m a foot taller than both of them. For the entire fifteen years of our friendship I have bullied them. They loved watching me get my ass smashed. I deserved this.

After five minutes of acting like a retard with a jar of hot sauce, I yelled uncle.

I needed a plan, I was going to use my drunken intellect. After a little blurry plotting, I decided I would trick Fiona into being friends again. Once we were friends she would let her guard down, then, I would take the her down.

I opened Fiona a beer. She drank her beer and commented on how cute a pair of my shoes were before trying them on. They fit perfect.

“Fiona, you keep the shoes. I bought them to wear to court today and the case is over. I won’t be needing them again.”

“Really, are you sure?”

“Take them, Fiona!” Laverne chimed in, “***** only wears hooker heels, anyway. She won’t wear those again. ***** I’m shocked you even bought something that conservative!”

“Right!?” Tangerae agreed, laughing, “***** dresses like a total whore!”

“Fuck you both!” I screamed, “I hate you!”

Fiona was busy putting on her new shoes when I saw my chance. I rushed at her and leaped right onto her warty back.

In .01 of a second, Fiona had me in a head lock.

I was pissed, defeated and at 9:00 pm, already shit faced. I laid down on the bed.

“Get up, *****,” Tangerae begged, “Let’s go back to the casino floor.”

“NO! I’m tired,” I pouted like a child.

They all tried to get me up but I was done. I was starting to get the spins plus bruises were already forming all over my wimpy body. I passed out.

It was roughly 4:00am when I heard it, pounding on the hotel room door.
“*****, wake opp! Bitch! I know yooze arrrr in dare! I can heeer you!”

It was Laverne and Tangerae. They were still partying.

“Open thesssss door, bitch! We brought you a doctor! He’s fucking single, bitch, and he wants to meet you!”

They went away after about ten minutes.

I had bruises for weeks.

They still remind me about the hot doctor I missed out on. Oh, well.

3 thoughts on “Doctor Headlock

  1. Pingback: Doctor Headlock | It's not my fault.

  2. Pingback: Who Res | It's not my fault.

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