I had just gotten out of the juvenile slammer earlier that day. My friend Elm pulled her car into my driveway and waited for me to climb inside before driving us out into the heart of Las Vegas. We were 16 years old and on a mission to see our mutual friend Sally.
We arrived to her run down apartment complex and parked. That’s when I saw it, my boyfriend, Sandmans, baby blue 55′ Chevy. That Mother Fucker! What was he doing here. Elm saw the car too.
“Umm, ***** did you know that Sally and Sandman were hanging out today?” Elm asked me.
I shook my head. We walked to the front door and knocked. Laughter was radiating from the inside. A moment later Sally turned the door knob and peered out. Her hair was disheveled and her lipstick was smeared. I looked inside to see her lipstick was all over Sandman’s face too.
“What is going on?” I asked Sally.
“Nothing, we were just hanging out. I thought you were still in juvey.”
“No, I was released this morning.”
“What the hell is that?” Elm asked pointing to a huge frame on the wall.
We all looked up. That’s when we saw it. On the wall of Sallys moms apartment was a giant poster sized portrait, of Sandman. There he was, in all his glory, with his long greasy hair and gapped tooth smile wearing a ripped Metallica T-shirt, framed in 24×36. It was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.
Sandman started to explain about the picture but I had already heard enough, I wasn’t listening. I was pissed. So, I did what any shocked, broken hearted 16 year old girl would do when catching her boyfriend cheating on her with her friend.
I stormed back outside and up to Sandmans hunk of scrap metal. I checked the handle, as predicted it was unlocked. I pulled the door open, climbed inside and slipped down my panties.
I popped a squat right on the drivers seat and released a personalized river of vagina-ade. I could hear it as it streamed down the seat and onto the floor mats. It even had the distinct stench of the garlic lunch I had eaten earlier in the day.
The more my bladder drained the bigger the smile forming on my face became. Elm had followed me out and was laughing hysterically while still keeping watch.
“Oh, shit! Sandman is coming, run!” Elm screamed out.
I looked to my right and there he was running towards me. I jumped out of his piss mobile as fast as I could with my panties still down to my knees. I tried to pull them up while running and looking behind me.
“Watch out!” Elm shouted once again.
I turned my head to look in front of me and that’s when I felt it.
I slammed face first into a pole. The blunt force dropped me to the ground, my bare bottom was skinned by the asphalt. Elm had her car idling as I picked myself up and jumped inside bruised and bleeding.
As we were pulling away I reached my hand out the window and flipped off Sandman.
A half an hour later we reached Elms house. She was still cracking up, she thought this was the most hilarious thing she had ever seen. As a matter of fact she called up our mutual bisexual friend, we lovingly referred to as “Queermy”, to brag about our escapades.
Queermy and I had dated several months prior. He had long black hair and wore fishnet stockings with 20 eye doc martins and shorts. I thought he was a hot stud. He was my first bisexual (oh how I love them) as well as the first man I ever had a clash of narcissism with. MEOW! Unfortunately, like many men I have dated in the past, the crush eventually turned into a rivalry.
“Queermy, you won’t believe what ***** just did! She caught Sandman cheating on her with Shelly so she hopped into Sandmans car and she pissed in it!”
“No she didn’t.”
“Yah, she did.”
Elm handed the phone to me, “Queermy thinks I’m full of shit.”
“What do you want?”
“I pissed in Sandmans car!”
“Yah, right. Like I would believe that. You couldn’t pull that off. You aren’t cool enough.”
“Yes I did! Then I flipped him off as we were pulling out.”
“No you didn’t. You are fantasizing about what you wish you would have done. Why don’t you just admit you cried all the way home like the little bitch you are?”
“Fuck you! I did too piss in his car. If you don’t believe me, I’ll come piss in your house right now.”
“*Sigh*, You are such an idiot. If you showed up I wouldn’t open the door for you.”
“Well, then I would piss in your bedroom window.”
“No you wouldn’t because you are a sorry little bitch. You are wasting my time, I’m busy watching commercials. I gotta go.”
“Elm, He seriously doesn’t believe me!”
“I totally think you should piss in his window. That was a dare.”
“That was a dare! You are right! How will I get my pee it in his window, though?”
Elm began looking around the room. She handed me a plastic cup.
“Perfect!” I agreed, “give me some water, I need to fill my bladder back up.
Thirty minutes and four glasses of water later I felt it, that sweet urge to tinkle. I went into Elms bathroom and pretended I was giving a sample at the free clinic. I filled that baby all the way to the top with my steaming waste concoction.
We headed back to Elms car, I grabbed the handle and opened the door.
“STOP!” She yelled, “you are NOT holding that cup in my car, it could spill! I don’t want my car to stink like Sandmans.”
“Please, Elm! His car probably stinks like garlic from my lunch, this batch is mostly water.”
“NO! Roll down the window and keep your arm OUTSIDE!” She ordered.
I did as instructed and we were off, slowly. It was the first time in my life I wasn’t scared of Elms driving. Not to say that Elm was a bad driver in particular but she is a woman after all and by now you all know my stance on that.
It was destined to happen, Elm went over a bump and the musty liquid contents of the cup splashed out and soaked my hand. No matter! The cup was still half full. See? I’ve always been an optimist.
We pulled up to Queermys rotting shack and sure as shit, that fuckers bedroom window was wide open. Trying my best not to uncontrollably laugh, I crept out of the car with my cup in hand. Just as I took my body potion and splashed through his window, Queermy came running out of the house with a container of his own.
“OH CRAP!” I shouted.
“Damn right, oh crap!” He yelled back just as he released the contents over my head.
It was cold.
I jumped into Elms car and she sped off.
“What did he throw on you? I almost left you, you know. It better not be pee!”
I smelled my hair, it didn’t smell like anything.
“It was only water,” I told her with a smile.
“You threw piss in his window! We drove five miles with it and all he had to counter with, at HIS OWN HOUSE, was water? What a loser.”
We pulled into Elms driveway and then walked inside. I passed by her brother and was just heading towards the bathroom to wash my pee pee off of my hand when it happened, Elm had a flicker of genius and decided to seek a simple revenge.
“*****, stop for a minute. I don’t think you have met my brother before have you?
“No, I have not.”
“Oh, well then ***** I would like you to meet my brother, Alvin.”
Alvin looked at me with a twinkle of lust in his dweeby eye.
“Alvin this is my great friend, *****. Say hello, shake her hand.”
Without a second thought, he reached his nerdy and blistered(probably from too much self-love) hand out, excited with having been given the chance to touch me.
With a smile that was holding back roaring laugher I obliged. It took every ounce of strength in me not to piss my pants right there. I was lucky my bladder had been recently emptied.
I gave him a sturdy shake then turned and finally made my way into the bathroom. In the distance I could hear Elm shout out, “Wait, are you sure you want to wash it? Because I have a few more people I would like you to meet first!”
I flipped her off and shut the door.
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