RING, RING, RING!
I rolled my hung over ass out of bed and looked at the clock. 9:22am on a Sunday. Whoever this was calling, it had better be important.
“Hello?” I barely crackled the word out of my Mojave Desert conditioned mouth.
“It’s Mom, listen, the whole family is gong on a cruise to Mexico next month. I’m booking the trip right now, do you want to go?”
“What’s wrong with you? You sound drunk! Are you drunk at 9:00 in the morning? Oh, my God!”
“No, I was drunk last night. I just woke up, it’s early!”
“You are so lazy. Are you going or not? I need to book it now.”
“Ya, I guess so.”
“OK, your ticket is $150. Mail me a check today.”
“Woa! Woa, no, I’m broke. Never mind. You have a good trip. I gotta go.”
I rolled my fat ass over and covered my head with a blanket. That Bitch just woke me up for nothing! This reminded me of the time she had given me a microwave as a house-warming present and then insisted I give her $40 for it.
A week later, it happened. As I was roughly 3 bottles into my usual case of night-cap my phone rang. It was “her”.
“Listen, I talked to Squirrel (my step dad) and he said we could buy your cruise ticket as a birthday gift for you if you still wanted to go.”
This may very well be how I became such a good negotiator.
“Yah, cool, I’ll go.”
“Ok, you will be sharing a room with your brother, Gooey.”
The night before the cruise I carefully packed my bag. I placed 6 bottles of red wine and 2 bottles of vodka inside. I shoved in whatever clothes I could fit around the bottles. I went to sleep excited about my wondrous weekend on the high seas.
I was up and out of my apartment by 6:00 am. I drove down to the port and found my family. My luggage was really heavy and didn’t have wheels. Already my hand was starting to blister. I followed everyone in line and up to the boat entrance.
The were taking family photos. Forcibly, I assumed the position.
After the photos, the staff handed out our room keys. They asked if we wanted our luggage delivered. Although my hand was almost starting to bleed at this point I wasn’t about to let go of my Hooch.
Gooey and I marched the four miles to our room. We promised to meet the rest of the family at the group safety demonstration before the boat left port.
The interior of the boat was a decorated joke, it looked like 1950’s Las Vegas threw up, it even smelled that way too. It was also riddled with lots of little Tijuana like touches.
Gooey and I entered the only working glass evaluator after waiting in line for twenty minutes. We made our decent down to the darkened dungeon which was our discounted room accommodations.
Gooey opened the door and we both peered into our hat box. I’m not exaggerating, I’ve spent time in jail cells with larger floor plans than this. The beds were tiny, one inch thick, plastic mattresses suspended from the ceiling. I’m pretty sure my ass was wider than the entire bed. In the corner of the room was a tiny mounted TV. It had one channel and played the same movie over and over again the entire weekend. The bathroom was so small you couldn’t even open the door all the way. My head touched the ceiling while I took a shit. The shower head descended over the toilet.
I walked over to the only window and pulled open the curtain to at least take in the view, it was just a wall, a curtain over a wall.
The window was a trick!
We were in CarniHELL!
I needed a drink. Good thing I packed a lot of wine. Just as I was pouring myself a cocktail to calm my nerves a voice began bellowing through the loud-speaker,
“Everyone please meet in your designated group area in five minutes. We will be going over the safety instructions. Each bed has a life vest secured beneath it. Make sure to bring yours.”
I sat down on my yoga mat of a bed and sipped my grape poison. Gooey was franticly looking for his life vest.
“Gooey, what are you doing? Sit down and relax, lets watch a movie.”
“I need my vest! We only have five minutes to meet with the group.”
“Calm down, we aren’t meeting with the group. That’s a stupid idea.”
“What? We need to know the safety precautions, what if something happens?” Gooey was startled.
“Listen, we are on a stupid cruise ship. There is another boat riding directly next to us. If anything were to happen we could just swim over to it. We aren’t even a mile from the coast, it’s a joke, Gooey. Seriously, have you ever heard of a cruise ship accident (this was back in 2003 before captains became drunk idiots)?”
Gooey thought for a moment, then decided I had a point. He sat down, shut his trap and watched the movie. We could feel the boat set off, I could feel my stomach start to turn.
Once the movie ended and I had finished my first bottle of wine we decided to head out to dinner. There we ran into the rest of our lame family.
We got in the buffet line and filled our fat faces. Gooey helped himself to a chocolate ice cream soft serve on a cone. When he finished that, he took another. Actually, Gooey ate those stupid cones as fast as I drank my cheap wine.
It didn’t take long for the family trip to get boring.
“Let’s go to the casino,” I suggested. Gooey couldn’t go because he was only 15 at the time. Instead he headed to the arcade.
I reached the casino and it was closed. That’s right! The casino was only open when over Mexican waters and that wouldn’t be until the following afternoon. I looked inside, there wasn’t much to it. Six slot machines and a tiny blackjack table.
I headed to the arcade to find Gooey. He was just standing there against a wall, bored.
“It costs $5 a game here, that’s all I brought. My avitar died in ten seconds, these games suck,” he said.
“This whole cruise thing really sucks. How should we try to entertain ourselves now?”
“We could go watch the comedy show” Gooey suggested.
On our way, I refilled my wine pitcher and Gooey grabbed another chocolate cone.
The show lasted 40 minutes, it was not funny.
We had made it to 7:00 pm. Gooey and I went back to our room and after watching “Just Married” three more times finally fell asleep.
We both awoke several hours later.
“What time is it?” Gooey asked me.
“I don’t know, my cell phone doesn’t have reception. The screen is doing something weird. Where’s the clock?”
“There isn’t a clock in the room and I forgot my watch at home.”
I opened the curtains.
“I’ll go to moms room and see if they have a clock.” Gooey offered.
Five minutes later he was back, “Mom is not answering her door. There wasn’t even a clock in the hall, I had to ask a stranger, it’s 9:20 am. We docked in Ensenada at 9:00, I think they may already be in the city.”
“Those assholes left without us! NOOOOO!”
“Well, we can go look for them,” Gooey suggested.
“Are you crazy? I’m not going into Mexico alone with you! We could be kidnapped and murdered. This sucks, let’s go get some breakfast.”
Before heading out I made sure to refill my bucket-o-wine. We made it to the buffet and again loaded our plates with garbage. Well, I loaded my plate with garbage. Gooey loaded his with chocolate soft serve.
After we ate we decided to hit the pool. It was tiny and filled with screaming children, this did not look like fun. Plus, the water was slightly tinted yellow. Instead, we headed over to the hot tub, inside were adults. I reached my foot into the water, that’s when I felt it.
The hot tub was cold.
I started looking around for an employee to complain to. I found a generic looking black man in a Blue T-shirt who was roughly in his 30’s.
“Excuse me, Sir, the hot tub is cold.” I complained.
“Its 78 degrees, Mam. That’s the temperature they keep it at.”
“Umm, no, that is not going to work for me. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of! You have to be joking.” I told him.
“No, mam. You sure are pretty. My shift ends in an hour, come find me then and let me buy you a drink?”
I turned to Gooey, he had a chocolate mustache, “let’s get out of here.”
We wandered around until we found a ping-pong table. Once seated by it, we gave dirty looks to the kids playing until they were spooked enough to leave. Then, we hit that stupid ball back and forth until the sun went down.
I was so bored that I was contemplating renting a car in Mexico and driving it back to LA. The only thing stopping me was that damn kidnapping fear.
Plus, I was poor.
It was getting cold, we headed back to the buffet for dinner. Again, I loaded my plate with deep-fried shit while Gooey grabbed his ice cream.
We sat down at a table, the black guy from earlier was seated next to us. He leaned into me,
“How are you enjoying the cruise, so far?”
“It sucks. I want off this stupid boat, already.”
“Let me buy you a drink, my shift just ended.”
“No, thanks!” I said.
After dinner we decided to explore the outside of the ship. Gooey brought two more chocolate cones along with him, they were becoming his best friends. I was double fisting myself, with wine.
It was early December and it was chilly outside.
“I don’t really want this last cone, it’s too cold. Do you want it?” Gooey asked me.
“No thanks, I’m freezing!”
With that, Gooey threw the damn thing overboard.
That same black guy walked up Gooey, he was STILL following us!
“Excuse me son, it is illegal to litter into the ocean
from a ship. I’ll give you a warning this time but don’t let me catch you doing it again, OK?”
“No problem, Sir, I’m sorry about that.”
The man looked over to me, “Hey, pretty lady. I’m off duty, can I buy you drink?”
“OMG! NO! I WILL NEVER HAVE A DRINK WITH YOU!”
I grabbed Gooey by the hand and led him back inside.
“Can you believe that guy? He’s stalking me. How many times can you tell someone “no” before they get the hint?”
“Uh, *****, you do know that those were three completely different men that asked you out, right? You have not been talking to the same guy.”
“HUH? What? What are you talking about?”
Gooey starting laughing so hard that a crowd of other bored-shitless passengers huddled around us to watch.
I’m the most unobservant person there ever was.
Just then a voice started echoing over the intercom loud-speaker,
“On behalf of CarniHell, I would like to apologize, I was just informed that we have run out of chocolate soft serve ice cream. This is the first time it’s ever happened. Vanilla will still be served along with gelato. Again, I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”
My jaw dropped and I pointed at Gooey.
Ha ha ha!
Who was the asshole now? I may have been an accidental racist but at least I didn’t eat all the ice cream, leaving none for the babies on board.
Gooey was done after that. We walked back to our prison closet and he passed out.
I was still determined to have fun, my efforts were not over. We were not docking back home until the next afternoon and it was still early in the evening.
So, I did what any drunken skank, bored and desperate on the high hell seas would do. I put on a slutty dress and headed out to the night club.
The club was not much bigger than our bathroom, the music sucked and the men were rude. Most of the men, anyway.
“Hello, beautiful, my name is Roo.”
Outstretched a beautiful Aussie arm holding a beautiful kamikaze shot. I looked deep into his blue eyes and downed that shot.
My trip had been saved.
Roo and I spent that entire evening together, we danced we laughed and we went to the midnight comedy show holding hands. It was the same show I had already seen with Gooey, but I didn’t mind, Roo was HOT!
After the show, Roo invited me back to his room. It was just down the hall from mine.
Once inside Roo kissed me. Then, I let him pull off my stockings and bend me over his bed. He slid my panties to the side of my ass cheek just before slipping his enormous, left bending joey right into my pouch.
I moaned, I screamed and I faked an orgasm. Roo filled up the rubber with his man fosters.
After taking a breath, he pulled himself out of me and disposed of the kangaroo skin. Quickly, he slid his pants up, zipped and said,
“You can leave now.”
I stood there for a second, stunned, waiting for him to laugh.
Shocked, I grabbed my purse and walked to the bedroom door. That’s when I felt it, my stockings hit the back of my head.
Such a gentleman, that Roo, he didn’t want me to forget them.
I cried as I made the walk of shame to my room, alone. Gooey was awake when I entered.
“What the hell happened to you?” He asked me.
After telling him the story, Gooey wanted to kick Roo’s ass but I told him to forget about it.
I barely slept at all that night. By 6:00 am I was packed and ready to go. Never in my life had I wanted to touch the ground more. I made Gooey get up and wait in line with me. I hid behind him in fear of running into Roo and his friends.
Even though we had docked, the staff wouldn’t open the doors to the exit until 9:00am. Those were the longest three hours of my life. My hands literally bled through holding that damn suitcase.
I will never go on another cruise again.
I hate them.
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