40’s & Phone Balls

One evening in my early 20’s I was sitting alone in my empty ghetto apartment on my futon. I was drinking my usual gallon of cheap Merlot and feeling sorry for myself in front of some stupid reality show. Did I mention I was alone?

In those days I was always lonely. Plus, I was bloated and puffy. After my ex boyfriend, Pepe moved out I decided to keep the apartment we had shared. I did have my newly acquired (for all the wrong reasons) retarded dog with me but she was more of an annoyance than a companion.

I literally drank on thirty pounds. I looked like a marshmallow, if marshmallows had crusted red wine lips.


One evening, drowning in my own misery it happened, the phone rang.

“Hello?” I said.



“Hey, it’s Tyler. Tyler Phillips, Haden gave me your numba’. Do you remember me?”


Tyler was the boy who beat me up in the 7th grade for those of you who have not been following.

“Yes, I remember you. How are you these days?”

“I’m a’ight. Just left my old lady back in Montana. She left me for my best friend, dat dumb Bitch. We have three girls (children) togetha’, too.”

“Wow. That’s crazy! Where are you living now?”

“I’m at my moms in Las Vegas until I can get on my feet, I’m really missin’ my girls. Hey, I just wanted you da know that I’m sorry for what happened all those years ago. I always felt bad about what I did.”

“What? That was so long ago, I barely remember it.”

“That’s not who I am anymo’,” he said with a hint of black in his voice that was a little sexy. Actually, Tyler sounded just like Eminem, only slower.

Tyler and I caught up. As a matter of fact, we talked for four hours. The next night we talked for five. Actually, we talked all night every night for a month. I couldn’t wait for my work day to end so I could get home and call my little Trailer Tiger. We would watch TV and discuss the shows together. My loneliness had finally come to an end.

One night, two hours into my and Tyler’s evening talk, I did it. I suggested that he come down for a visit. I was curious to see how the years had treated my little Teen Dream, plus, I was horny.

Tyler did not have any money because he still didn’t have a job. So, I offered to pay for his bus ticket, Tyler’s mom, needing a break from her 25 year old baby, gladly offered to pay half. Tyler was coming into town the following weekend. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself though I must admit I was a little worried.

Finally, the day arrived. I pulled into the Greyhound station and parked. I started looking around, that’s when I saw him. Just like in Jr. High, Tyler was wearing his red Starters jacket promoting his favorite sports team. I didn’t know they still made Starters jackets.

I waved to him, my flabby, white legs hanging out of my short skirt and platform shoes. We made eye contact and he came walking over to my car with a little gangster swag in his step. He opened the door and shoved his back pack in. I reached over to give him a warm hug. When I let go of his neck he grinned and that’s when I saw it.

Chipped front tooth.

Other than the obvious dental damage, Tyler was still pretty much a hottie. Long gone was his bowl cut, in it’s place a short shaggy crop cut that was long over due for a trim. I would fix that. There, perched in the middle of his face, still illuminating were his giant, magnificent blue eyes. Though, he was a little trashy.

No matter! I had stocked my apartment with lots of wine for this very special occasion. If things turned out bad I would drink away the annoyance. We headed back towards my apartment.

“I hope you like Merlot.” I said

“Nah, I don’t drink much wine except that box crap my ma keeps around da house. I like Fo-teez a Mickeys. Malt lick-a. I can drank three or fo’ of dose a day. But I guess if Merlot is all ya got den that’s what all drank. I ain’t got much money on me.”

“Oh, well I will stop at the store, I’ll buy you some beer. You are my guest after all.”

“Aw, thank you. That’s cool. You don’t gots to do that.”

Tyler and I stopped at the first liquor store. We emptied out an entire shelf of 40’s.

Once back to my place we began our drinking. Somewhere around the 10th hour it happened. Tyler kissed me. I took off his pants. Tyler had an enormous erection. There was something else in his pants that night too.

Giant rat nuts.


I’m serious! Have you ever contemplated the proportion of a male rat versus the size of his goat? It was like Tyler had two deflated hot air balloons hanging from the stem of his stick shift. Only, they were rubbery and a little wet. They felt like those sticky hands you bought out of the quarter vending machines as a kid but colder.

They caught hair and lint pretty much in the same fashion, too.
I had that retarded dog that shed everywhere. This was very gross, when I went down on Tyler, I came back up with chin hair.

Tyler penetrated me that night. His mammoth, vained vermin testies flopped onto my knees and caught skin as he tried to grind back and forth on top of me.

It was like getting a leg massage from a giant pancake.

I didn’t really care though because I was drunken, lonely and desperate. That’s right, I needed any man.


Even a Rat Man.

Tyler was one of the horniest men I have ever known. Those rat sacs would fill right back up in a matter of minutes. He pounced on me three more times that night. We spent the rest of the weekend drunk and naked covered in dog hair.

The following Sunday, hung over and chafed, I was sad to see Sir Dicks-A-Lot go. I was once again forced to return to my loneliness. With tears in my booze swollen eyes I left him at the bus depot.

He called me that evening when he returned to his moms house. We talked our usual marathon.

After we hung up, I made my decision, I did what any stupid, self-loathing sociopath would do, I decided I was going to ask my little love rodent to move in with me.

Of course, that’s another story.

If you enjoyed this story, BUY the BOOKS!


  1. You have definitely an honest approach to writing! I laughed at this because I have been with only 6 men in 57 years but had one of these with huge hairy balls that flopped around! Cannot believe I am writing you this, but it is true.


  2. Weirdly enough, I know what you are talking about not because of the experience I have had with men, but because I used to have a pet rat. And every single time I held him…his balls inflated. Only my touch would bring out the rat balls….ick.


  3. You liked my post last night-thanks!- so I’ve been poking around your blog on and off all day. I love your stories! I know they’re real, but they FEEL real reading them. I’m definitely going to keep reading. 🙂


  4. “It was like getting a leg massage from a giant pancake.”

    Hahaha that was amazing! I love how candid you are. It’s strange the things we accept/inflict on ourselves when we’re young and lonely. It’s the benefit of age that we get to laugh at it later. Love your posts, keep writing!


  5. Unbelievably hilarious. You literally made my night. We have all been there…a dude with huge nuts and no one else in sight to deal with our needs. A girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.


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