Today I was out for my evening run thinking about what I was going to write about when it hit me, I almost had my first case of asshole writers blockage.

All of a sudden I was saved, like magic.

I had been waiting over three months for it to happen and it finally has. Beans (my ex husband) pulled “the blog card”.

That’s right!

Since I started writing I have been sharing bits and pieces of my stories with Beans’. He occasionally comments, I have never been one to keep secrets anyway. Beans has been really supportive of my writing and told me he was happy that I had found an outlet. For Christmas he even gave me an Android Tablet, he handed it to me in front of Fole in Barstow that day and with a smile on his half droopy, Lortab stuffed face and said,

“Here, it’s for your writing.”

I was touched.

However, it was not a giant shock tonight when Beans sent me that text threatening to use “It’s not my fault” against me in court to win custody of our daughter, Tallulah.

It all started when I forwarded Beans my proud new link to my most recent Youtube video. Why, overnight my Youtube channel received over 1000 hits, after three days it’s almost at 3000. I wanted to show it off, I love attention!

Beans has been fighting with me for the last three weeks and I have just been ignoring him. I guess I kind of forgot or assumed he was over it by now, my mistake.

Beans did not like the video, he is Jealous of my love obsession for Donut (One time Beans even intercepted a sexy email I received from Donut during the duration of our marriage). Not only that, he followed the link to the story connected to the video. Yup, Beans ventured into “All dogs go to heaven, even retarded ones.” Beans did not feel he was depicted fairly in this story and left me a nasty comment. Fole and Laverne saw the comment and posted too. You can follow the thread here.

Then, Beans sent me this message:

Beans: After all this time you are still trying to hurt me. Eventually these kids are going to put two and two together and realize just why our marriage failed.

I ignored Beans. He did not like this. After several hours Beans was fuming. That’s when he sent this:

Beans: I am asking you very nicely, please do not put any pics or videos of ****** (our daughter) on your blog. I don’t want her to be a part of it, please.

Me: Sure, as soon as you stop taking her to my moms (I have been estranged from her for years). I have asked you to stop several times, nicely.

Beans: Not cool. Huge difference. I don’t want her associated with those kinds of pornographic videos you are doing, period.

Me: Actually it’s the exact same thing, your choice.

Beans: I’ll let the judge decide. You are using children in your “R” rated bog. If I see her in it I will bring it up in court. You decide. Once again, nicely, please do not use ****** in any of your pics, videos or stories. Maybe Mackey (my sons dad) doesn’t care but I do!

I almost started to get mad, but then I decided to have some fun with Beans. He’s really easy to make fun of. Plus, I was out running and high on adrenaline. As a matter of fact, I laughed so hard I though the fillers in my smile lines would pop!

Me: My blog is fiction. I am a fictional comedy writer who tells fictional stories with fictional characters. I appreciate you expressing interest in my art and am touched myself, that it has touched you emotionally. I do not write about ******, I write about my fictional daughter, Tallulah. All videos are filmed with “actors”. As with most writers, I am inspired by the happenings in my own life. I use everything fictitiously which is stated on the very first page of my blog. Thanks for reading!

Beans: There is nudity in your blog and I do not want ****** involved at all. My emotions are for ******. When she gets older and other kids see that so will she. Stop. If you do not stop I will ask the judge to decide for you. It’s your call.

Me: There is absolutely no nudity or pornographic content in my blog. I am sorry you have to stoop so low to try to get my attention especially after you gave me a tablet for Christmas and have been encouraging my writing. I will have no more contact with you unless it concerns my child. Goodnight.

Beans: I saved all the videos and just present it to the judge if u use ****** in any way in your blog, later 🙂

UH OH! Here comes Big Bully Beans!
Whatever shall I do?

Me: I’m publicly posting these videos on the internet. I have had almost 3000 hits in 3 days. I want my videos to go viral so everyone in the world can see them. Including all the judges in all the lands. It’s called fame and that’s the point. To sum it all up for you Beany Boy, save yourself the hassle. I’m doing it for ya! As a matter of fact, the book will be hitting shelves by Valentines Day. And guess what’s going to be on the cover? ME NAKED EXCEPT DONUTS! Maybe I will bring the judge an autographed copy.

Beans: Your strive for fame has made u so selfish that u r neglecting and using your children to help you. That’s sick. As I said, let the family court decide.

Me: Yes, the family court is your God, I understand. *bows head*

Beans: I tried being nice about it but as always any chance to hurt or argue with me and u are all over it. Get ahold of your emotions, ***** and let go of that grudge.

Me: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!! OMG! I love this! Keep going this is hilarious. I just pee’d a little and it burned my herpe!

Beans: That’s cool, I know the truth and that’s all I need.

Me: What is the truth?

Beans: Something I share with friends and family.

Me: Is this something OTHER than pain pills and man tears?

Beans: LOL! Still trying to hurt me! You really need to get over it, for ******’s sake. Let that anger go.

Me: Yes, you are right. I’m just so angry that it dominates my entire life. I can’t ever write stupid blogs or shoot horrible videos about Donut, or anything. Can you please pray to your lord Judge, in family court heaven for me? For only he can humble my whore soul.

Beans: Admittance is half the battle. But you’re definitely not worth saving, you harbor way too much anger and jealousy.

Me: Yes, and I project all of this onto you, don’t I?

Beans: I’m done, *****. Keep ****** off of your blog. You do not have my permission to. I told you how I feel, u can ignore me if you choose but I will let court decide. Bye!

Drum roll please! DUN, DUN, DUN!!!

Or in Beans’ case: DUMB, DUMB, DUMB.

Poor Beano! He doesn’t know that my second book is going to be about nothing but kids and marriage. Or is it? We will have to let the courts decide!