Early one evening, three years back, I tucked my kids in for the night. As soon as they were snug in their cribs I began the usual preparation of fat girl appetizers. That’s right, I took some prepackaged sausage ravioli and deep-fried it to perfection, slapped it onto a plate and
sprinkled smothered it in Parmesan cheese. Beside it was a giant bowl of Beans’ famous full fat ranch.
Fat girls can cook.
Next, I got out the rum, lime, mint etc. All the mixings for Mojitos. I made a giant pitcher and set it aside, lined up with two big bottles of cub soda, to mix.
Tonight was a special night, my Who Res (Laverne and Tangerae’) were on their way over along with out mutual, male friend Gonzo.
Laverne and I recently had babies around the same time. Both of us happened to be breast-feeding. Drinking alcohol make our milk come in three times faster. This was quite the nuisance, especially because we couldn’t give any of the alcohol filled milk to our tots. We had to pump and dump.
Right on time my Who Res’ arrived, Gonzo was not far behind. We all headed out to my back yard to drink, smoke and make fun of my ex husband Beans, per usual.
We were drinking the Mojitos pretty fast and I was getting sick of having to get up and refill everyone’s glasses, seven hundred times a minute, so I brought out a pitcher. I set it on the patio table and excused myself while I went to tinkle.
I returned to my outside seat once my bladder was empty to discover it.
That’s right. The fucking pitcher was WHITE!
“Have another mojito, *****!” Tangerae suggested.
“Ya, let me fill your glass!” Laverne interjected.
I gave them both ‘the death stare’.
I am not retarded, despite speculation.
“That was the last of the alcohol Laverne. You fucking breast milk destroyed the last of the booze? Are you serious? Go to the store. GO TO THE STORE NOW LAVERNE!”
I was pissed.
Gonzo chirped in with a giant, perverted smile, “There’s nothing wrong with this! Look, I’m building my immune system!” He said with a giant chug of lactation-potion.
This was not funny, it was a waste of good liquor.
“You are fucking disgusting Gonzo. Why don’t you just suck on Laverne’s tit?”
“Okay!” Gonzo jumped up excitedly.
“No way!” Laverne yelled in horror.
I had had about enough. My booze was all gone and the night was still young. So, I did what any angry, chest throbbing, nut job would do in a situation like this. I pulled out my milk jug and squirted my ‘life juice’ all over Laverne’s ugly face.
I smiled after seeking my revenge. My smile quickly turned to a frown because before I could even enjoy my success she got me.
That’s right, Laverne had both her melons out faster than I could release a fart. They were going off like machine guns. Some even got in my eye, it burned like semen.
Gonzo loved this. Tangerae’ was just drunk enough to be inquisitive. Uh huh, she was curious to know who could shoot the furthest distance. She reached down and grabbed some sidewalk chalk. Then, she drew the start line.
“Ready, set, GO!” Tangerae’ slurred.
Laverne and I whipped out our chest guns, we gave it all we had.
Gonzo had an erection. I could see the little thing poking out of his pants as he ran under our milky streams with his tongue out.
I am proud to say, that even though Laverne could produce four times the amount of tit juice I could, I could out shoot the bitch two inches, by distance.
I am a winner.
At Breast Milk Olympics.
In an attempt to ‘calm himself down’, Gonzo made the beer run.
A few nights later I was outside smoking a cigarette with Beans when he noticed ‘white crusty stuff’ on the outside table. He was scraping it off with his thumbnail asking aloud what it was.
I pulled out my swollen titty and squirted him right in the face with my warm milk.
Beans jumped like a pussy out of water.
“What the fuck is wrong with you! Oh, my God! That’s fucking disgusting! You are sick!”
I just laughed.
This became me new means of Beans’ torture. For the three months I breast-fed anyway. That’s right, if Beans’ said anything I didn’t like all I had to do was release a teet and off he ran.
That was the only time in my life I have ever had a man run from them.