It was a hot June evening in Las Vegas. I was on a split from my (soon to be ex) husband, Beans. Lonely and depressed I called up my Who Res, Tangerae’.

“Ugh, Tangerae’. I’m so upset, I need to get out of the house for a bit and I need to get laid.”

“OH MY GOD! This is perfect!”

“What? What is perfect?”

“Tonight John and I are going to the ‘Pink Door’! You should totally come along! You can get gang banged there if you want.”

“Hmm, I’m kinda scared of swinger’s clubs. I really don’t want to see fat ugly people going at it.”

“NO! There are separate rooms for that stuff. You don’t have to watch if you don’t want to. Everyone is super nice and respectful. You will have fun. It’s just like a normal cub except you get to bring your own booze. John and I usually take in a bottle of wine.”

I could bring my own liquor? That was good enough for me, I was in.


“You can meet us there around nine.”

That evening, I threw on a pound of makeup and a floor length maxi that was low-cut enough to expose my newly enhanced breasts. Also, I put a pair of my typical 6 inch, hooker heels. Then, I downed a tall glass of Merlot. Hey, I was gonna need a little liquid courage before I made my way to such a club. I had never been to one but had all sorts of ideas in my head about what it would be like. In my head I was imagining a nude beach in France with hairy, fat, old men. I figured old men probably couldn’t get “them” up anymore so I was pretty safe. Well, unless they had Viagra.

Once in my car, I made my way past the Las Vegas strip and into a residential area. The streets were dark and I couldn’t find the address. I called Tangerae’ from my cell phone. She explained that the club was kept hidden to keep away unwanted tourists. Eventually I found my way onto a dirt road and followed it around to a farm-house.

I parked and made my way to the entrance. There was a fat, toothless man in a cowboy hat at the door. After I paid the fee I walked inside and found John and Tangera’. They were already sloshed. Yippee!

John took my bottle of wine to the bar and came back with a huge plastic cup filled to the brim. I could handle this. Then, I guzzled it as fast as I could. Probably, I had a purple mustache and teeth to match but I didn’t care, I was feeling good.

Time to hit the dance floor!

Next to me was topless lesbian in bondage gear. Her water balloon tittes were hanging down to her belly button and slapping against her stomach roll as she danced. This was hilarious! They were like sloppy, wrinkled Yo-Yos.

I was shaking my giant booty and sweating like a birthing pig. As a matter of fact I was having grand old-time. Tangerae’ was dancing next to me when I saw it.

“What the hell is that?” I asked Tangerae’.

“Huh? Oh, that’s Dick-Vinci!”

There in the corner of the room was a sexy, naked man with his dick in hand; painting. That’s right, he was painting portraits of people with his cock!

“Dick-Vinci is from Australia. It’s a very special treat to have him here!”


I couldn’t look away. He was yanking his thing like it was a loose piece of thread, I was waiting for it to pop off. But it didn’t. He had leather foreskin, completely callused.

“I’m going to get my portrait painted!” Tangerae’ told me excitedly.

“What? Why? That’s stupid!” I yelled.

“No way, the club owner is my friend. He’s going to pay for it as a gift! It costs $50 otherwise.”

“Ya but that’s so GROSS! I wouldn’t even want to touch the damn painting after it has his penis DNA all over it!”

“You are stupid, *****. He’s hot!”

She was right, he was pretty damn good-looking. I was even starting to change my opinion on Australian men after a few minutes of staring at his ripped chest. That’s when I made my decision.

“I want a portrait too,” I told Tangerae’.

“It’s $50,” she reminded me.

“Tell your friend to buy me one,” I ordered.

After a few minutes of arguing with the cheap bastard I finally managed to convince him to buy mine as well. That’s right, Once again I was in! Still we had to wait our turn and with two people ahead of us it was going to be a good hour.

I walked to the bar and filled up another giant cup to the brim.

I was feeling frisky!

That’s when I did it, I took off my dress and I wasn’t even wearing a bra. Uh huh, I was going to spend the rest of the evening in my thong panties and pumps. Tangerae’ thought this was a great idea and followed my lead. She even started playing with my tits. This made me uncomfortable. She just laughed at me and dragged me into the back room.

“Hey! Check this out!” she ordered.

I peered inside. That’s when I saw it; fat ugly people doing the nasty everywhere, I screamed. Tangerae’ was radiating in laughter. My disgust had amused her.

Finally it was time for Tangerae to have her portrait “penis painted”. She sat down on the couch across from the naked artist and made a sexy pose. Well, she thought it was sexy. Tangerae’ is really short and a little flat chested, so to me it kinda looked like child porn in the making. Some people are into that I suppose. Her painting took forever and I was growing bored.

“I’m leaving now, Tangerae’,” I yelled.

“What? No you can’t leave! You’re next!”

“Whatever, I’m bored. This is taking forever.” I complained.

“*****, JUST WAIT! He’s almost done.” She screamed.

“I’m all out wine and my buzz is starting to wear off!”

“Tell John, we have two more bottles at the bar.”

I guess I could stay for my painting if it included more free booze.

Tangerae’s portrait was finished and she showed it to me, proudly. It looked nothing like her. I told her this while laughing. Can you believe she sat there for a few minutes trying to convince me otherwise? She obviously has a warped sense of self.

Finally, it was my turn. I took a seat on the crusty couch and tucked my stomach rolls away the best I could and posed. It took forever, I was very bored.

What seemed like a life time later, he was finally finished. I looked at my portrait for the first time and was astounded to see that it looked just like me! Only better, and without stomach rolls. Go Dick-vincci! He sat it against the wall to dry.

I hopped up and went searching for Tangerae’ but that bitch was nowhere to be found. That’s right, that bitch had ditched me, naked. Also, shit faced. I checked my cell phone and found a text. They were long gone.

So, I did what any drunken whore at a swingers club would do. I grabbed the first fat man I could find and let him rail me in the ass. NO I DIDN”T!! But you assumed I did, didn’t you?


No, really I called up good ol’ Beans! That’s right! After making my way to the closest casino.

He showed up a while later and he was pissed. I loved this. As a matter of fact he was so jealous he moved back in that week.


A few months later we were hosting a BBQ in our back yard. After a good buzz and an hour of story telling I brought my penis painting out to show off to my friends. Forgetting about it, I left it tucked on the side of the grill overnight. The next morning I awoke to see our entire yard was covered in debris and my painting had disappeared. There had been a wind storm.

Beans found it later that afternoon in the neighbor’s yard. They never made eye contact with me again after that.


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    1. OMG!!!! AND I HAD SOME!!! I just can’t find them. If I do stumble upon them in the future I WILL post them for sure! Gonna keep looking. The painting got tossed though. It grossed me out.


  1. So you never got laid? I cant believe she just left you there. She begged you not to leave and then she ended up leaving you? Especially you being new there, what a friend huh?


  2. Too bad you don’t still have that picture! Now that you are in the spotlight you could auction it off …… 🙂


    1. LMAO!!!! Not quite 😉
      However, I did stumble upon a compiled list of the 20 most important book reviewers with FULL CONTACT INFO today!!! I will be mailing those babies out shortly, cross your fingers!


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