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I was already a few beers in, hanging with Haden and Tangerae’ in my little Las Vegas condo. Although I was already having a great time watching Tangerae dry hump my wall, I just had to go out. You see it had been a few weeks since I had heard anything from Morthos and I couldn’t stand it. He was the first man I had loved since Donut had dumped me a few years prior. A strong gut feeling was telling me that there was a reason I needed to be out that night and I could feel magic stirring. I guzzled some water and called up my little brother Gooey.

“Gooey! Can you come over and babysit tonight? PLEASE! I have to go out, I don’t know why but I feel it. Please, I’ll pay you whatever you want!”

“It’s cool, what time do you need me?”

“When can you get here?” I asked him.

“I’ll be there in an hour,” he promised.

After finally getting an intoxicated Tangerae’ to pull her pants back up, she and Haden said their good byes while I ran into the bathroom to get ready. I was going to bump into Morthos that night and he was going to confess his love to me, I just knew it and I needed to look PERFECT!

wine

I sent a text to my friend Robin and she replied with an address to the venue of a concert she was on her way to and told me to meet her there. Not long after I did.

However, I did not run into Morthos that night but instead I met Beans. As it turned out Beans really liked me. After the third date with Beans we finally had sex. It wasn’t magical like it had been with Morthos but Beans stuck around. He wanted to spend the weekends with me and holidays, he introduced me to all his friends, didn’t mind me having a young son and even wanted me to meet his family. Suddenly I didn’t feel alone anymore. Beans loved me.

A few weeks into our courtship, Beans made plans to come over and stay the night with me on a Saturday evening. He was to come by after band practice. To kill the afternoon I invited my friend Dan, over. Dan and I shared a case of beer together and a pack of cigarettes. This loosened Dan up a lot. As a matter of fact, Dan wanted me BAD. Now first I must say Dan was HOT. He was a rocker boy into the scene with the long hair, tattoos and girlish hands to match. He was just my type through and through. I wanted him just as bad.

However, I rejected all of Dan’s advances. As a matter of fact I called Beans and asked him to hurry over. Beans just kept telling me that practice was running late and he would be by as soon as he could. The evening turned into night and Beans still hadn’t arrived. Not only that, Dan was getting friskier and friskier. Finally, I texted Robin. I asked her to come by and hang out until Beans arrived to help keep Dan off me. She said she would but she was taking forever.

That’s when it happened. Beans called me up and cancelled. I was mad, also pretty drunk. So, I did what any pissed off bitch would do when being tormented by a little sexy rocker boy all night. That’s right, I finally gave in. Dan bent me over my stove, lifted my skirt and penetrated me with his rock hard manhood.

That’s when I heard it, the knocking on the window. It was Robin and her husband Gary, they were looking in through my half-opened blinds and they were pissed. As fast as I could I pulled my skirt down and went chasing after them.

“*****, how could you! You are fucking slut!” Robin yelled at me.

“It’s not my fault! I tried to resist, it’s just Dan is so HOT!” I yelled in my own defense.

“Oh my God, *****! Dan is NOT HOT!”

“What are you blind, Robin?” I asked in shock. Dan was a stud, Robin obviously had zero taste.

Just then Dan went running out of my condo.

“He’s a little bitch! I’m going to kick his ass!” Gary screamed as he ran after him. Robin and I watched in shock.

“What are you going to tell Beans? He wont forgive you for this!” Robin screamed at me.

“Tell Beans? No one is telling Beans, Robin! What’s wrong with you? If you tell Beans he will dump me and I fucking need him, Robin! I am a single mom and the economy is crashing. I haven’t had a steady paycheck in months!”

“Well, Gary will tell Beans. You know cheating is the one thing he can’t tolerate.” Robin warned.

“This is nobody’s business but mine. Look, Dan barely stuck it in when you showed up. It didn’t even count. Not only that, this is all Beans’ fault! He flaked on me! If he would have been here like he promised this never would have happened to begin with.”

Gary came walking back to the condo, his face was red and his fist was bleeding, “That little prick had a car full of friends waiting outside! They tried to jump me! I went to punch him and a guy grabbed me from behind slamming me onto the concrete. They all took off.”

“What? Are you kidding me? I have been telling him to leave all fucking day and he said he didn’t have a ride!” I slurred.

Robin and Gary eventually left but not before I made them both promise not to tell Beans. I went to sleep distraught and scared and with good reason. That very next day, Robin told Beans. Beans dumped me by text message. I denied the allegations and told him Robin was crazy, still he didn’t believe me. Maybe Beans is only half retarded after all.

I was devastated. Beans had told me the one thing he wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship was cheating. Why, it was just like the time Donut had told me the only thing he wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship was attempted suicide. So why was it, I subconsciously had to always do the ONE thing I KNEW WOULD SABOTAGE my relationships? Always, after drinking.

There was no way I would let things with Beans end the same way things ended with Donut. After Donut had dumped me, I called him non-stop for three days. I left apologies on his voice mail box, his answering machine, text messages and even emails. Long after that, Donut had told me if I had just left him alone for a while he would have forgiven me. I decided that I would not repeat at least THIS PART of the pattern with Beans. So, I waited. For three days. Beans never messaged me again. My heart was broken.

I needed a plan.

On the fourth, heart-broken day, I went to the store and bought all the fixings for cookies. All kinds of cookies, and then I baked. I baked dozens and dozens of cookies, I am an amazing baker. Then, after they had cooled, I loaded them up in my car and drove to Beans’ family’s restaurant. Robin worked for him, as a server. I sent her a text message that I was outside. She peered out the window, saw me and then came jogging out to the parking lot.

“*****, what are you doing here? Beans doesn’t want to see you.”

“I know , Robin. You have a big fat mouth and now you owe me. Here! Take these to Beans!” I ordered shoving a huge platter of my chocolate creations in her ugly face.

“What the hell is this?” She asked me confused.

“Cookies. Just take them inside!” I repeated.

“Ok. But I doubt Beans will accept them.”

“He better accept them or I will never forgive you, Robin!”

Finally she did as instructed and I drove away. Not long after I got home I received a text from Beans. He had decided to forgive me. My amazing culinary skills had won me back my man, a husband. Finally, my life would be complete and I could have the real family I had always dreamed of. Someone actually loved me, even though I was a dumb slut.

At least that is what I had hoped that night. Little did I know it was soon to become the single biggest mistake of my life.

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