Probably, I’m the hottest hobo there ever was.
Today I went to the doctor for probably my 5th UTI this year. I have been tested more times than a whore at a cat house. This time though my doctor was ready to get to the root of the problem.
“Have you had sex recently?” he asked me.
“Ya. Pretty much every time I have sex THIS happens.” I said.
“Well, are you urinating afterwards?”
“No, and I know I should but…..”
“Well that’s the problem. You always need to make sure you urinate after.” he advised.
“Ya, I know, but you see I’ve fooling around with these younger guys and they just don’t understand about hygiene like our generations do. I rarely get out, like once a month but every time I do, I mean I’m drinking and….”
“You come see me right after,” he finished my sentence, “I know exactly when you have sex.,I have your sex schedule right here in my computer.”
“Right, well there is this one 20 something boy who works at the fish house,” I started to explain.
“Oh, maybe he needs to clean up.”
“Exactly! He always shows up still in his work shirt.”
“That’s not good, maybe you need to carry some hand sanitizer,” he suggested, “or have him wash up.”
We were both hysterically laughing.
“That is exactly what I think. I mean we never really even went all the way.”
I was handed my newest prescription for antibiotics and left my poor doctor there in tears of laughter. I could still hear him as I was leaving after paying my bill. Then I headed to the pharmacy to get it filled. On my way inside the building there was a homeless black man with dredlocks asking for hand outs.
“Sorry, man. I’m homeless!” I said after he approached me.
“Nah, no ya aint!”
“Yup. Really, it’s true,” I said, then I walked inside.
On my way out he greeted me once more.
“Hey,” he nodded, waving in my diretion.
“I’m probably the hottest hobo, ever? Aren’t I?” I asked him.
“Ya!” he said covering his mouth blushing.
I continued to my car when I heard it. A loud squeak, it happened again. Curious, I turned around. I had just encountered my first “hobo mating call”. No joke, the man was trying to get my attention. That’s when he handed it to me, this:
“We take everyone!” he promised.
“Everyone?” I asked him, “cause I have two kids!”
“Yup, we accept everyone, no questions.”
How did he know that I have been strongly considering taking up a drug habit?
“You want to buy a book?” I asked him.
He didn’t respond.