RING! RING! RING!
I checked my caller ID, it was my friend Minnie.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, *****. What are you doing tonight?” she asked me.
“Nothing, I have my baby and no sitter as usual.”
“Can you come over and cut my hair? I’ll make margaritas, bring the baby. You can set him up a bed in my guest room.”
Did she just say Margaritas? I was in.
“Meet me at the gas station across the street from my house in fifteen minutes,” she instructed me.
“Why don’t we just meet at your house?”
“Look, I need to get gas.”
“Well why can’t you get it before…”
She cut me off, “I will explain in person, just meet me there!”
15 minutes later I pulled into the parking lot next to Minnie. My son was already asleep. Cool! I got out of the car.
“Listen, *****. When we get back to the house you have to tell my boyfriend that I was with you today. I called out of work and gambled away a LOT of money. If he finds out he will be pissed. I have a few bets that I’m riding on right now. I just need one to pay off and I will be in the clear. You got it?” she asked me.
“Just tell Marty that I was with you, if he asks. Don’t worry about the rest. You know how religious he is, he thinks gambling is a sin.”
Even though Marty was a creepy Christian and maybe even slightly retarded, Minnie had a serious gambling addiction. Whatever. I didn’t really care, I was just excited about the free booze. So, I did what any selfish, single, bored bitch with a baby and zero social life would do; I got back in my car and followed Minnie to her house ready to lie about anything to score some free hooch.
After parking I followed her inside. Marty was not happy. The two of them went into the bedroom to “talk”. Minnie pointed me to the guest room on her way inside. This made me uncomfortable, though I set up the bed for my sleeping son anyway. I just wanted to have some fun and not be bothered by the domestic spat. A few minutes later, Minnie emerged and all seemed to be well.
It was time for margaritas! Minnie made an entire pitcher of those bad boys and took it to the back patio. I lit a cigarette while she poured me a glass.
Halfway into my drink I noticed Minnie wasn’t drinking anything herself (I’m very observant), “where’s your glass?”
“I’m not having any, I’ve been drinking all day. I need to sober up a little. That’s all for you.”
“I can’t drink all this, I have to drive home at some point.”
“You will be fine, besides you can stay over if you have too much. You ready to cut my hair?”
“Ya, I guess. Let’s get this over with so I can enjoy my night.”
“Hey, do you mind doing my step daughters hair too? Just a bang trim nothing big. It will take you two minutes. We can do this for trade. Marty is a mechanic and can fix your car the next time you need it.”
My eyes lit up. I hate being used for “free hair cuts” but I have horrible luck with cars. I’m always getting ripped off by mechanics. This sounded like an amazing trade to me.
“Seriously?!?!?!!? He will fix my car?!?!?!”
“Ya! He has the shop in the back. Whatever you need he can do.”
I was in!
“OK, well we can trade more than just the two cuts today. I can do your next cut and a color as well.”
Minnie sat down in the chair in front of me. I sprayed her hair down with a water bottle and began her hair cut, only to stop for the occasional gulp of liquor.
Thirty minutes later we were through and my glass was empty. Minnie being the wonderful hostess she was, refilled me. I don’t mind working if it’s under the influence. Her daughter sat down in the chair next.
“You know, *****,” Minnie began, “I think my daughter may need a trim all over. What do you think.”
“Well I’m already in here now, I might as well do it,” I said reluctantly.
Thirty more minutes and another Margarita later her daughter was completed. That’s when it happened, Marty walked outside.
“Hey, *****,” he said, “how are you doing?”
“I’m pretty good Marty.”
“Hey, Minnie told me you wanted to trade hair cuts for mechanical services.”
“YES! That sounds like an amazing plan!”
“Great. The boys are on their way out for hair cuts too.”
What the fuck did they think this was? An assembly line? It was 8pm on a Friday. I had already worked a nine-hour shift before coming over. The last thing I wanted to do was more stupid hair.
“Absolutely Marty, just not tonight. I worked a long day and I didn’t bring my clippers or anything.”
“No problem!” Minnie jumped up, “I have a pair in the house.”
I was pissed. Not wanting to take my rage out on the poor little boys I poured myself another drink. Maybe if I just got a little drunker this would be more fun.
An hour later I finally finished the kid’s hair cuts. As I began packing away my supplies he did it. Uh, huh. Marty sat down in the chair, pulled off his shirt and asked me if I could clean up his neckline.
That mother fucker.
Can you believe it, he made me cut the whole damn thing, too. I was considering “accidentally” cutting off an ear.
By ten O’clock I was finished and beat. My margaritas were finished too. I finally was able to sit down and enjoy a cigarette. After a few minutes the liquor kicked into high gear and I was actually starting to relax. I just wanted to sit on my fat ass for a few hours and order some pizza.
“My friend is on her way here, to pick me up,” Minnie stated.
What the fuck?
“We are hitting one of the clubs on the strip tonight, she works there. Tonight is her night off and she is getting me in for free.”
I looked at her stunned. Was this bitch serious? She dragged me here to lie to her husband before treating me like a five-year old Chinese girl at the Levi’s factory. My expression must have been deadly because right before I went for her throat she continued.
“I asked her if she could get you in too and she said she could. She will drive us both ways too, so we can drink! I already talked to Marty and he doesn’t mind watching your son either. He has all the kids here anyway and it’s bed time.”
Hmmmm…..This might be an OK plan. I looked down at myself.
“Minnie, I still have to run by my house and change. I can’t go to a club in jeans. Plus, I’m covered in hair!”
“You look adorable! So what if you have on jeans, you also have on heels. You can totally wear that. Just rinse off in my shower,” she suggested.
She did have a point, my shoes were smokin’, “maybe I can borrow one of your dresses?”
Minnie started laughing, “I don’t own a dress, I’m a tomboy.
Before I could even make up my mind, let alone rinse off, a car pulled up to the front of the house and honked. I was in no condition to drive myself home and I certainly wasn’t going to spend my evening hanging with dumb-dumb Marty and have a conversation about the weeds in his garden or worse, God.
I got in the car. Turned out Minnie’s friends were fun. Actually, I was excited for an impromptu night out. That’s right! Being a single mother had turned me into the most boring person that ever lived. I deserved this night out. Even better, I didn’t have to pay for the sitter. Plus after a pitcher of Margaritas, I was ready for some action.
The girls blasted the radio and we danced in the car the whole trip there. Once parked, we headed into the casino and to the club. We were let in immediately and headed straight to the bar.
“What are you girls drinking?” I asked, “this round is on me for getting my boring ass out!”
“Make that two!”
I figured when in Rome…I ordered four Long Island’s. Before I could celebrate with my friends I looked at the tab. $64 before tip, that couldn’t be right. The bartender assured me it was. I only had about $100 in the bank to last me for the week but I was already pretty drunk so I didn’t really care. We all got on the dance floor and were shaking our ass’.
Minnie handed me her jacket and purse, “Can you hold these for a minute? I want to go dance on the box! They have a stripper pole!”
Up that bitch went. She was grinding on that thing like a professional. Having dabbled in the stripper world myself I was quite impressed with her skills, also, a little jealous. After a few minutes she jumped down.
That’s when I did it. I decided it was my turn and handed both of our things to Minnie. A little flicker of imagination had sparked in my brain and I was going to show that bitch up, uh huh! So, I did what any drunken skank with a chest full of others people’s hair would do after an entire pitcher of margaritas and one Long Island Ice Tea. I reached over my head, pulled off my top and climbed up to that pole. Then, I took off my bra and flung it into the crowd. People were staring at me and I loved this. I didn’t even care that my once perky titties were flat and saggy from breast-feeding and my midsection was covered in loose skin and stretch marks. Actually, I was so tossed that I in-visioned my body to resemble that of a Victoria’s Secret Model.
Security did not like this. Faster than I could have spread my cellulite ridden legs they had me off the stage, out of the club and back onto the casino floor.
That’s where my memory ends.
I woke up at 5am on Minnie’s couch in an unfamiliar t-shirt. My son was in the next room crying. I made him a bottle before looking for my shirt. I couldn’t locate it or my bra. Feeling like I had been ran over by a truck, I decided that I needed my bed and a Tylenol PM: STAT. Quickly, I gathered everything up I could find of my belongings and loaded them (along with my son) into my car to drive home. Minnie and I had plans to go to Ren Faire that day. I figured I could sleep it off better at home anyway.
Around ten am I was up for the day, I sent Minnie a text asking when she would be ready. She did not reply. I opened up my wallet. Inside I found receipts from the bar totaling $220. Fuck. Two hours went by and I was getting annoyed at Minnie for ignoring me, so I decided that I better call her up.
“Hello?” she said half awake.
“Hey Minnie, It’s me. Why didn’t you answer my texts? You made us late for the faire!” I scolded.
“I can’t go,” she paused, “actually, Marty says I’m not allowed to talk to you anymore.”
“What? Why? What happened, I blacked out! OMG! What did I do? Was it bad?”
“Well he’s not just mad at you he’s also mad at me.”
“Why?!?! What happened?”
“I don’t really know, I blacked out too.”
Perhaps Minnie and I were not a good party team. Neither of us were the capable babysitter of the other. Two blackouts? This situation had ever happened to me before.
“I broke my ankle,” she said.
“WHAT?!?! How did you break your ankle?”
“While you were getting kicked out of the club, I pushed the go-go dancer off the other stage and hopped onto her pole, only I missed and landed on my ankle. It snapped. security saw me push the dancer and they threw me out too. I went looking for you but couldn’t find you for over an hour. You were hanging out with some strange guy I think, he was taking care of you. At least that’s what my friends said. I don’t really remember much, except my ankle snapping.”
“You should probably be thankful he didn’t rape you.”
“Rape me? What?”
“Anyway, that’s not why Marty is mad at you.”
What the hell was wrong with this bitch. She needed to cut to the chase already.
“He’s mad because when we got back to the house you wouldn’t go to sleep. You kept calling your son, ‘Mommy’s little N*****!’ and laughing hysterically. It woke up his kids. They saw you smoking cigarettes outside too. Marty thinks they will go back to their mom’s and tell her what happened. Or worse, repeat the new word they learned.”
“Put Marty on the phone,” I demanded.
“I don’t think he will talk to you, but I will ask him.”
“Put him on the damn phone, Minnie, or I’m going to drive over there right now!”
A few seconds passed. “Hello,” Marty said obviously annoyed.
“Marty, I am SOOOOOOO SORRY! I blacked out and I don’t remember any of it.”
He was silent.
“Marty, I’m really, really, really, really, really sorry!”
“I’m so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry! Anything I can do to make it up to you, just let me know. It will never happen again.”
“Ok…well, I guess if you and Minnie go to AA together then I will let you hang out. But only if you both go.”
AA? This guy was even slower than I thought. Idiot.
“Ya, OK Marty, no problem. I will go.”
I never went to AA but Minnie did. To replace the alcohol, she took up smoking. I never did find out what REALLY happened that day when she had me lie and tell Marty she had been with me, but I have a feeling whatever it was, had something more to do with why Marty was so upset at me.
I only saw Minnie once after that. She stopped at my condo one evening when I was hanging with my Who Res: Tangerae’ and Laverne, for a hair cut and color. Still “sober” she DRANK A BEER and chain smoked cigarettes.
Can you believe it? My car broke down a few weeks after that and Marty wouldn’t repair it. I never did find my shirt and bra either.
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