After I left Pepe in Tucson and drove back to California, I needed to get my life together. So, I went looking for a job. I found one in a little local hair Salon in Long Beach. It wasn’t long before I felt like I was home.

Six weeks after I had started my new job I was invited to the company Christmas party. That night there was an open bar. As it turned out, my new salon family liked to keep their whistles just as lubricated as I did. Yippee!


By midnight, as my boss was wearing red wine stained lips and passing out in a chair on the dance floor, the rest of the party was coming to an end and everybody was saying their goodbyes.

Midnight? Pfft! What was this? Gymboree?

I decided my night was just beginning. As it turned out I wasn’t alone! That’s right! Two of my new co-workers, Karen and America were also in the mood for some debauchery. The three of us headed out to a bar. Karen rode with me and America followed in her car. Once parked we got out of our cars and headed inside. There wasn’t much going on for a Saturday night and after a glass of wine and about 20 minutes America was ready to go home. Defeated, Karen and I decided we might as well do the same.

America said goodbye as I made one last bathroom stop. Once my bladder was empty, Karen and I made our way out the exit door when it happened.

“Where are you guys off to?” a strange man walking into the bar with two ladies on his arms asked us.

“We are going home, the night is a bust,” I said.

“Oh, really? We were hoping something fun might be going on here. Our night has been pretty lame too. Won’t you girls reconsider staying? I’ll buy you both a round of drinks.”

Well hello there charming stranger. I could totally stay if I was to be drinking for free.

I looked over at Karen.

“Sure, I don’t care,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders.

The five of us took a seat inside and our new friend ordered five Long Island Iced Teas for us all. Before we even finished the first round he had already ordered us a second. Maybe this night wasn’t such a bust after all!

I excused myself after feeling that all too familiar urge in my bladder and made my way to the restroom one more time. After enjoying my sweet release and wiping the slime off of my snail, I unlatched the stall door and unwillingly opened myself up for some uninvited “fun.”

Faster than the remorse after an orgasm with a transvestite hooker it happened. One of my new gal pals pushed the stall door open and slammed me up against the wall. That’s right, the crazy bitch wanted me. BAD.

I didn’t know she was a lesbian! Uh oh! Maybe I was drunker than I thought.

Before I could even grunt my regret that bitch had my shirt over my head and her mouth around my nipple. She was sucking my tit like an Ethiopian infant!

I pushed her off of me and simultaneously made a run for it while tucking my tits back into my top. I needed to grab Karen and I needed to get the hell out of there pronto.

As I exited the restroom I made my way over to our table. I stopped cold in my tacks when I saw it.

Karen was in the booth with her pants rolled up to her knees. On her left was the guy and on the right was the other girl. Both had their tongues out and together they were making a meal out of karen’s toe jam.

Just then I threw up in my mouth a little. karen made eye contact with me and she was laughing. That’s right! That sick bitch was loving this. I wasn’t sure what twisted demention I had just entered into but I wasn’t sticking around for the finale. It didn’t matter how drunk I was, I will never be OK with lesbian toe sucking in my presence. I don’t even like the regular kind.

Feet are gross people!

I had encountered enough for one night.

I high tailed it out of there and got into my car. I peeled out of that parking lot faster than I would a band-aid on a wound. That’s when I noticed it, my gas light was on. I’d have to stop, crap. All I wanted at this point was my bed. As I looked around, I realized I didn’t recognize the area either.

As soon as I saw a gas station I pulled in at pump number 2 and grabbed a $20 bill out of my purse before heading up to the clerk at the late night window. After handing him the money I filled my tank up. When I finished fueling I made sure the gas cap was secured. Then I walked over to the drivers door and pulled the handle.

It didn’t open.


The door was locked. I looked inside the window to see my keys, my purse and my cell phone sitting snugly inside. I needed some help, it was 1 am, and I couldn’t remember anyone’s number except my grandparents. There was no way I could call them this late, they would never let me forget it. Wait there was one number I could remember, my friend, Charlie’s. Quickly, I walked up to the payphone and called collect. He didn’t answer. I tried six more times.

Pissed off and delirious, I did what any dumb idiot would do in my situation, I took off on foot, alone. Completely lost, without a purse or a phone at 1 o’clock in the morning.

I walked…..and I walked….up and down sidewalks, through ally’s, in circles. The more I walked the more lost I became. You see, I am severely navigationally challenged. You add alcohol to that and I’m like a blind man in a labyrinth. Actually, scratch that comparison. The blind have developed other senses to help them navigate. I have not.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, with blisters on my high heeled toes, I saw head lights in the distance, then like a gift from God, the car stopped. It was a young Asian man.

“Hey, girl! What are you doing walking out here alone at night?” he asked me.

I ran up to his car, “I was getting gas and I got locked out of my car. I don’t know the area, I think I have been walking in circles and…”

“Get in the car!” he said giving me a little smile.

Graciously I jumped inside. “I live in the next city over, do you know where it is? Can you give me a lift?” I begged him.

“Ya, ya.” he said as we took off together.

Just as my body was softening up with relief he put his hand on my thigh, “I have never been with a white woman before.”


“What do you say, since I’m giving you a lift, we pull over for a few minutes and you let me try it out.”

“Excuse me?”


Now, I had a choice to make. There was no way I was gonna give this creep any action but I was really sick of walking around lost late at night. Maybe if I just pretended to be interested….

“How about we try it out in front of my house. I live with family but there is a big bush you can park next to and…”

“Nah, how about we stop right there?” he pointed to an empty lot.

Damn it. I couldn’t decide what would be worse, more late night circle stomping or sex with this little runt. I just wanted to go home.

“Do you know how to get to my city?” I asked him.

“Relax baby, we are headed that way. I just really wanna know what it’s like fucking a white bitch.”

He moved his hand under my top. That was the final straw. Two people had just helped themselves to my chest lumps in one night.

“Pull over!” I demanded.

“I am baby, in this empty lot.”

Ya, I wasn’t about to be raped. As soon as he slowed down, I opened up the passenger door and jumped for it. Out of surprise he sped off.

Great. I was still lost, only now I could see the sun starting to rise. My mouth was completely dried out and I hadn’t had a cigarette in hours. After another thirty minutes of wandering around aimlessly, I finally came across another gas station, I walked up to the pay phone. Again, I called Charlie collect, only this time he answered. I gave him my cross streets and lucky for me, he figured out where I was.

It was daylight before I made it home. Delirious, I crawled into my bed and passed out.

It took me two days to locate my car and as it turns out, it wasn’t even in Long Beach!


If you enjoyed what you just read, become active in the authors warped community:

*Don’t forget to “LIKE” the “It’s Not My Fault.” Facebook page!*

*Leave a comment below*

*Buy the Book!*

*Subscribe to the “It’s Not My Fault” Youtube & Funny or Die pages*

*Follow this shit on Twitter*

*Stay updated on Google+*