Muff Burglar

Times have been pretty hard here in my world lately. Last week I even hit an all time low. As it turns out, I happen to have a great friend who knows exactly how to put me in my place and has a way of saying all the right things that I DON’T want to hear. Thanks for the tough love FRIEND. You are the first person to ever put this bitch in check. Congratulations, I’m sure the rest of the world is in awe of your magickal abilities right about now (Yes, it gets me hot). So, after being verbally butt kicked I did a lot of thinking and a little soul-searching and decided to implement some big changes into my life, starting Monday of course! Before said changes were to go into effect, I decided to take a little mini vacation to see my dear friend Louise out in the desert. It had been at least six months since I had seen the Skank.

Friday morning, I dropped both kids off at school and loaded most of our belongings into my storage unit before packing up our motel. As I was on my way, I became distracted by a man in the middle of the major street I was driving down. He was crossing over the lanes while pushing an old style TV set on a rolling stand. I was slowing down to stop at a red light when it happened.

I glanced into my rear-view mirror just in time to see the car behind me slam on his brakes and swerve. I threw my wheel to the right and avoided the collision by mere inches. As my heart was slowing itself down a car approached me from behind and began honking in annoyance that I was not making a “right turn.” He obviously had missed the action.

Douche.

Once my packing was completed, I picked up my children and got onto the interstate. Roughly three hours into my journey, I was a few miles from approaching the California/Nevada border when I heard it.

An explosion with enough force to make my car veer to the left. I turned my head towards the noise to see a huge tire come hurdling towards my car only to miss me, again, by mere inches. A huge truck with a blow out carefully pulled over to the side of the road. As I watched him merge to the shoulder I saw them.

Wild burrows.

Why, I hadn’t seen a herd of them in over a decade and never in the mid-afternoon, only at sunrise. I do this drive out to the desert at least once a month as well and had never seen them on this road. I pointed them out to the kids. It was a beautiful moment.

Finally, we arrived at Louise’s and I unloaded the kids and the car.

Pool party time!

The next morning I awoke and Louise had already made me a pot of coffee. Plus, she watched the kids so I could sleep in a bit. I love that bitch. Even better, she had it set up that her teenager would watch the kids that day so we could hang out alone.

“*****, you wont believe who sent me a text this morning!” Louise exclaimed with a twinkle in her eye.
“Who?” I asked in anticipation.
“Cha-cha! I haven’t heard from her in months, since the fight. Anyway, she is out-of-town for the week and asked if we could feed her cats for her. I guess the girl who was supposed to flaked-with the house key! We are gonna have to break in!”

AHAHAHAHAHA AWESOME! Louise even made a joke about us going to prison. Then she told me a story, “The other night I took an Ambian and passed out. When I woke up I went to the bathroom to take my morning piss and noticed that I had shaved my vagina, bald. I told (my husband) Martin and apparently we had a wild night!”

“Ya, I bet. Remember that time you took Ambian and went ‘naked swimming’ in your sleep?” I asked choking back some laughter.

“You really have to be careful with that stuff!” Louise concluded.

Louise and I each chugged a beer and then we were off to Cha-cha’s. Once we arrived, we opened the gate and entered her back yard. Then, we chugged yet another beer while looking for the easiest place to make our entry. I spotted an open window lock. Within seconds the window was open and Louise climbed inside. Then she unlocked the back door. Once the cats were fed Louise disappeared into a room and I decided this would be an excellent place for me to advertise.

That’s right! A published authors work is never done. I took out one of my promotional post cards and stuck it onto Cha-cha’s fridge. I spotted her spare purse on a table and cleverly stuck another inside. Then, with tears of laughter streaming down my face I placed yet another one under that bitch’s pillow.

That’s right! Wake up to THIS after your vacation girl!

You know you want it!

Just as I was making my way back out to the patio I saw it. There was Louise not far behind me carrying an enormous oil painting.

“Oh my God, Louise! You can’t just take Cha-cha’s art work off her walls!”

“Ya I can! This is mine anyway. I lent it to her a few years ago and didn’t have the heart to ask for it back. Now I don’t have to! I doubt she will even notice that it’s gone.”

“Great Louise! Not only did we break in but now we officially STOLE something!” I said as I grabbed a bottle of red wine from Cha-cha’s pantry. Hey, I wanted a souvenir too!

Next we went to lunch. The server was acting really weird and then, the bartender came out to serve me in person and kept staring at me like she was in a trance. That’s when it happened, I was recognized. That’s right world! I am OFFICIALLY a D-list celebrity. Get used to this gorgeous mug because this bitch is sticking around.

After we arrived back buzzed to Louise’s her husband greeted me with a hug, “Hey Louise, did you ask ***** if she wanted to see the video?” Martin said with a huge smile and a laugh.

“What video?” I asked.

Both started laughing hysterically.

“What fucking video, Louise?” I asked now annoyed.

“Remember when you were here last year and we both took that Ambian?” Louise asked me.

“No, Louise! I was ON AMBIAN! Of course I don’t remember!” I shouted.

They were both still laughing at me. I did not like this one bit.

“Well apparently you gave Martin a b.j. and I filmed it,” Louise stated, “but I haven’t seen it yet.”

“Bull shit! That didn’t happen. Martin is fucking with you. Don’t be dumb.”

“I am not fucking with you guys, I’m serious,” Martin insisted.

“Ya, right Martin! Dream on,” with that I walked into the kitchen and opened a beer. Louise joined me. After a few sips we decided to put on a real movie. We were walking into the living room when Martin called us over to the computer.

There it was.

The video, and I was naked and in bed. I was doing…..I stopped looking and I ran out of the room screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

I will never take Ambian again.

Louise put on the real movie in hurry. I needed to get the visual of my own naked ass out of my head. Halfway through, I had her pause it as to take a tinkle break. After I wiped and washed I opened the bathroom door and about jumped out of my shoes when I saw it.

Standing there was a giant bald muff, Uh, huh. Louise had dropped her pants and was waiting to surprise me.

I shrieked.

Louise laughed.

I will never get that visual out of my head for as long as I live. Thanks bitch!

The end.

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