Home

Well, world..I would like to share with you something INCREDIBLE! I just met the inspiration behind “The Leprechaun Story!” That’s right, my retard kidnapping muse. Turns out, he’s not just another freak of mental nature, he’s a total hottie! Also, a talented musician. Check out his music here: Incandescent, by Root
Facebook even put me on message restriction for 24 hours for friend requesting him.

It was worth it.

Well, much like many of my stories do, it all started one very hung over morning. I needed out of the house and I definitely needed a drink. So, I did what any whore would do when looking to get her buzz on. I called my fellow Fun Girl, Bassten!

Bassten was ready for a day of drinking herself, she just had to finish one of her law school class papers and we would be off. I stumbled my foggy brain into the bathroom, curled my bleach blonde extensions and finger painted my face. Once I looked perfectly whoreish I was on my way.

A half hour later, I parked in front of Bassten’s apartment complex and went to the door to get my friend. She smiled when she saw me.

“Hey *****, look at you! You look amazing!” she lied.
“No I don’t! I feel like shit!” I complained.
“What? You are freakin’ beautiful. How dare you say that about my friend.” she insisted, “Look outside, what a great day. Can you believe this? We live in southern California, everyday is a dream. Are we livin’ the dream or what? I mean come on! How lucky are we’s? ‘Livin’ the dream, it’s no big deal!'”
“I need a drink!”
“I have an apple martini right here!” Bassten said, opening her fridge, “You start on this while I finish up my homework.”
“What? You haven’t finished yet?” This was my day and here Bassten was fogging it up with book work. Did this bitch not understand that I needed her FULL attention?!?

A boring hour later and several downed martinis we were off: to the cantina. There we drank most of the day away. Just as it was starting to get dark we headed out to another bar.

It was shot time!

“Let me buy you ladies a round!” said some random dude in a pair of jeans a preppy t-shirt.

I always like free drinks.

Although he was mostly average and pretty blah, we accepted. This probably was not the best plan because this guy now thought he had bought him self a pass to some pussy.

“Hi, I’m phillip.” he introduced himself, “You ladies come here often?”

What a tool.

“We are ready for another round.” I instructed, rolling my eyes.

Phillip listened and headed back to the bar. At least he was a useful tool.

“Dat guy is a total Douche!” Bassten complained.
“Ya I know, he seems to like you though, and he’s buying us drinks.”
“We need ta get outta here soon. I have class in da mornin’. You Okay to drive? You look pretty fucked up.”
“I’m perfectly fine to drive!” I slurred in response, as I knocked down the chair next to me.

Just then Phillip returned catching the tail end of the conversation, “I would be happy to drive you ladies home,” he offered.
“I can’t leave my car,” I whined.
“I can drive you back in your car and have one of my buddies follow.”

This plan was good enough for me. We all piled into my car and Phillip courteously drove us the few miles to Bassten’s condo. Only one problem, his friends were not following behind. Phillip assured us that his friends would be on their way soon to pick him up and asked if he could wait inside. Bassten reluctantly agreed.

By the time we pulled up to Bassten’s, my buzz was well into overdrive. I didn’t want to go to bed yet! The night was still young. So, I did what any shit faced, drunkard would do in my situation. I grabbed the water sprayer attachment from the sink, stretched out the two foot long hose and started a water fight with my friends. That’s right I put the water on full blast and aimed it right into Bassten’s perfect face!

Bassten screamed.

This was hilarious.

“*****! Turn the water off! You almost got my homework wet! I have been working on that all week!”

Did she just say homework? I was fucking pissed at that homework and all the time it had cost me from my friend earlier. That homework was going down. I reached the hose over and directed it at the pile of papers on the counter. Bassten did not like this. Actually she wanted to kill me. I didn’t care, I already had another idea!

“Let’s go streaking!” I shouted.

Faster than the sting from a popped blister on a herpe it happened.

My shirt was flung off and so was my bra. I hightailed it out of the apartment while removing my pants. I discarded them as well, before once again, flinging my panties out of my hand like a rubber band. Fully naked, I ran down those dark streets with my body fat flopping up and down bouncing off itself.

“Livin’ the dream! Wahooooo! YAY! OWE! The dream! YIppee!” my voice echoed down the empty streets.

Once I realized I was all alone it wasn’t as much fun anymore. I walked around the neighborhood one more time and collected my clothes. After I had retrieved my grass stained belongings, I could see Bassten’s lights were now off in her apartment.

Bored and lonely I decided to go home. I crawled into my car and was just about to put my key in the ignition when it happened.

Lights.

Two patrol cars pulled up next to me. An old, fat officer got out and approached my window.

“Step out of the car please.” he instructed.

“Why?” I asked, hesitant to obey.

“We received a call that someone was running around the neighborhood nude. Was that you?”

“No! That wasn’t me,” I said exiting the car.

The police officer looked down at my legs.

“Why are your pants inside out, then?” he asked, obviously not believing me.

“Oh, I am staying the night at my friend’s house here. I threw them on in a hurry to come out and look for my cell phone,” I lied.

He still didn’t believe me.

“Which apartment?”

“112,” I told him.

“Okay. I will go knock on the door and if that’s really your friend and she can confirm your story I will let you go.”

PHEW! I was saved.

A minute later the officer returned, “Give me your hands,” he instructed.

“What?” I yelled out in shock.

“The man who answered said he doesn’t know you. You are being arrested for indecent exposure.”

“The man? That’s my friend Bassten’s pl…..”

Oh snap! Phillip! That prick! I wasn’t going down that easy. I needed a plan.

“Officer, I find you really attractive. I would love to go out sometime!” I lied.

“That’s not going to work, mam.”

Damn it!

mugshot

I cried the entire way down town. They took my picture and locked me up in the drunk tank until sunrise. Finally, I was released. I left the holding cell almost blinded by the makeup that was covering my contact lenses from my tears. Once on the street, I realized I had no clue where I was at. In my five-inch heels, swollen eyes, now-dread-locked hair, halter top with out a bra and my jeans right-side-out, I headed west. At least I think I did.

It was like doing the walk of shame, only minus a strangers load in your crotch.

The road was very hilly, I did not have my phone on me nor my purse. Just a copy of my mug shot and my car keys. I had no idea where Bassten lived from the police station, all I could remember was her street name. I am sure I frightened many morning joggers when asking them for directions. My face and neck were rapidly reddening with sun burn.

It was almost 3 hours later when I found my car and I had never been so happy in my life. I wasn’t even this happy after that last time I lost it.

Then, right there, just a few feet from it were my panties, in a ball. Quickly I reached down and grabbed them before putting them into my pocket.

Once home I got onto the computer and immediately messaged Red. She laughed for probably an hour before coming over to rescue me with Taco Bell.

As it turned out, Bassten never even heard the police knock on her door that night and had just assumed I was sleeping it off in my car. Phillip was not a gentlemen and thought that by having me out of the picture he would have a chance with Bassten. He was not lucky that night, Bassten gave him a blanket and instructed him to sleep on the couch before going into her bedroom and locking the door. When she awoke the next morning he was gone.

Her homework never did dry out and she had to re-do the entire paper before turning it in late.

She didn’t talk to me for a month.

AND now that you have read my dumb story feel free to go drool over Marc like I am! Enjoy!

—————————————————————————————————————-

If you enjoyed what you just read, become active in the authors warped community:

*Don’t forget to “LIKE” the “It’s Not My Fault.” Facebook page!*

*Leave a comment below*

*Buy the Book!*

*Subscribe to the “It’s Not My Fault” Youtube & Funny or Die pages*

*Follow this shit on Twitter*

*Stay updated on Google+*

One thought on “Livin’ The Dream: Of Indecent Exposure

  1. Pingback: The Fun Girls | It's not my fault.

What do YOU have to say about this? Comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s