Recently, I have been having the same recurring dream night after night. I am resting on my stomach, at night outdoors and either Beans, Brutus or Grim (they seem to be the same person) is behind me breathing hotly on my neck and caressing my back causing sexual tension. Next, I flash forward into the kitchen of a tiny trailer and I’m trying to tell my grandma that I forgive her, I know it’s not her fault what has happened. Yet, she keeps repeating the lies that my mother has been feeding her. I turn around to see my mother and I attempt to punch her in her ugly, smug face with my fists but I can barely make contact, I do no damage as she stands there laughing at me.
As it turns out, there is one thing you gain by losing everything. The power of having nothing left to lose.
It all started roughly 3 months ago on this social network site you may or may not be familiar with, called Facebook. It was Valentine’s Day and I was online feeling sorry for myself and crying over the then 6 month loss of my little Sticky Bun when it happened.
A new message from my old school pal, Grim. This was odd. Though he had accepted my friend request years prior we had never actually chatted. As a matter of fact he never replied to the message I had sent him at the time of the request.
“Did you really go to school with me?” it said
Now let me tell you the first thing about Grim. He is married. Though he is not the first married man I have had a relationship with he is by far the most memorable and I will tell you why.
Within a two-week period, without any physical contact, I had probably one of the most intimate relationships of my life. As a matter of fact, I am completely over Donut. Can you believe that? Neither can I.
I think the next thing Grim said to me was something about how hot I was followed by an obvious attempt to find out if I was single. I found this rather odd considering his marital status and punched on that for a bit. It took a few good tries before he confessed, “She is great, we just haven’t had sex since…”
Ahhh here we go, another one of these.. I must confess, I was bored and lonely and had nothing better to do on such a holiday so I played along. Yes, I am sure I earned this heart-break by going after someone else’s man, but I am not a big believer of monogamy plus the type of relationship I want wouldn’t be considered “traditional” anyway.
I know what you are thinking, and I don’t care. 😀 Back to my story:
Grim and I shared the same warped sense of humor, much like I did with Donut. Except where Donut was an insecure mess, Grim was an overly egotistical control freak. I found it damn hot and totally intense. Why pretty much my whole life, I have yearned to have a powerful man control me. Actually, this was the first time it ever came close to happening. I was in!
That’s right! One time I even called Grim a “little bitch” as a joke and he totally flipped out. It was magical. Or should I say “Magickal”? Grim also introduced me to his spirituality of Thelema. This was quite the timing considering I had just started soul-searching of my own.
As a matter of fact he shared all his deep passions with me. He started a private chat room and sent me videos of himself playing guitar and singing. In return I made him private videos of my over-the-top art. We would text all day long and message until the wee hours of the morning. It was almost mystical how I would run into things the following day that related perfectly to our conversations from the night before.
Maybe a day or two into our chats, Grim noticed me starting to pull back and made a comment about how he could tell I was starting to like him. Grim is probably one of the smartest men I have ever known. Also, probably one of the most fucked up. He began to feel insecure too and started to show off some of his work to me in an attempt to impress me. What Grim didn’t get, even though I’m considered a “hot chick” on the outside, I’m not on the inside. There’s not a fake bone in my beautiful, stretch marked body. I could care less about his success.
Unfortunately, what Grim had on the inside did not reflect who he was pretending to be on the outside.
Not at all…but that is an entirely different story.