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Okay, so I am sure by now many of you have noticed my cold, sometimes heartless and odd sense of humor. It leaves you both disgusted, curious and shamefully addicted. Well, I’m pretty sure it all stems from my childhood. After all, it’s really our parents faults, right?

My childhood was different from most, I grew up with a mother who is a sociopath. Now if you have been following along from the beginning you have read some of the earlier stories from my childhood. My mom is known to do continuous harmful and extreme things at a whim. Things that constantly shock people, leaving them unable to understand.

The reason she does such things is because she is actually missing a part of her brain, the part that would allow her to feel empathy or love. Instead, like most sociopaths, she views humans as pawns in her games and enjoys the challenge of controlling people. Although she is incapable of feeling love, she has in fact learned to mimic the emotion to use as a tool (usually to gain pity). As far back as I can remember, she has always had a small group of people around her that she has manipulated, though unable to keep long-term friends. She always has been able to isolate her partners as well as her sons in her bubble of manipulation. I was never one of them, I am the only person she has not been able to control.

Now, obviously this has left me pretty fucked up. I constantly seek out men with the same disorder in an attempt to gain their love to fill the void or what not, right? Finally, I have realized this and am beginning to see that there is absolutely no point in  trying to gain love from someone who is medically/physically incapable of loving to begin with (thanks Grim ahahaha). There is no cure for antisocial personality disorder, nor medications that can treat it.

 SO, let me tell you why I am a mutant! Wahoo!

Okay so being a child of a sociopath I kinda had the opposite of the “love mirroring.” Instead, I began to mirror the cold, complacent, heartlessness that she expressed on a daily basis. I have grown the tools to shut down as well as   the sick and twisted humor someone lacking empathy would enjoy. Also, I have acquired a set of skills for manipulation.

You take my mirrored sociopathic skills and mix them with my already victim embedded mind frame, I make the perfect charm for any sociopath. At first I am almost a mirror to them which makes me intriguing. Then, once they get into my head they find a great competitor. Already, I am a willing participant in the intense, kinky sex-capades they enjoy with almost no limit (for those of you that have read the book).

In the end I always lose, because there is one thing I still have that they don’t. The ability to feel love and empathy. Eventually, I always fall short, and get my shit handed to me on a platter after my emotions disgust them.

Turn this around and put me with a normal guy. I am horrible to him. Like a sociopath would do, I find regular love boring and need a challenge. I will dominate, manipulate and be disgusted by their emotions.

In short, are there any other children of sociopaths/antisocial personality disorder out there?  

 I want to date YOU! 

(Don’t worry Iggie and Red, I will continue my therapy and work on wanting the normal guy)

There really isn’t much information out there on children of parents with this disorder, especially mothers, since the disorder is so common among men, you know, like: serial killers, rapists and politicians!

Scary stuff.

The new book is going in this direction, in case you all haven’t noticed! Don’t worry, it will still be laced with plenty of my sick humor!

Cheers!

20130530_172049-1

Feel free to compare these stories for a reference:

Grim

Donut

Beans

Pepe

My Mom

My Old Boss Bimbo

THE EXPLANATION I HAD BEEN WAITING FOR

31 thoughts on “I Am A Mutant, Probably

  1. I think this post might have been my greatest find of the day. It highlights the cycles we run in without even knowing it. And once we know it, we continue to run inside them with the belief (mistaken) that we can somehow change them through sheer will. It never works that way, and so you get to a point in your life where you say to yourself “Self, what the fuck was I thinking?”
    You, m’dear, are there. And I applaud you for laying it all out there for the world to see. That’s tough stuff. As are you.
    Good luck in the man search. Most of them DO suck, but the secret is to find the man who isn’t afraid of your confidence but who welcomes it.

  2. I don’t find your sense of humor heartless or cold–just funny! It’s refreshing how honest you are!!! But then, I’m one of those people who laughs at things she shouldn’t, and my mom might be a pathological liar. That said, cheers!

  3. I dated a girl that was/still is a sociopath… Made the mistake of letting my feelings for her get in the way… Lesson duly learned. I called her out on being a sociopath.. Her being an RN i figured that would make a difference and she should know better… Ummm nope. Not even a dent or a ding… Recovery is a hard road when you dated a sociopath… The trick is to keep is strictly professional

  4. Pingback: Sociopaths Can Kiss My Rainbow Sprinkled Ass | It's not my fault.

  5. My family members – especially the females in my family – are fucked up. But in their case, I’d attribute it to unresolved issues and trauma from their past.
    In some ways I can relate to you and your sense of humour because my mother was somewhat controlling and manipulative and it really fucked me up. I went to therapy to deal with my issues and think it’s great that your documenting your life story because so many of us see pieces of ourselves in you.
    I really appreciate your brutal honesty and twisted sense of humour! The more you explore your past, the more you understand and can fix the present so the cycle of dysfunction doesn’t continue.

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  7. Do you know what’s interesting about you? You look good in almost every picture you post. Most people who post pictures of themselves online only look good in a few pictures, and then you see them from an odd angle and are shocked to wonder whether it’s really the same person.

  8. I find you fascinating because you are beautiful and emotionally disturbed at the same time. It’s interesting, because I’ve gotten a glimmer a couple times in my life that females who have emotional problems are turned on by someone (like me) who is brutally honest. I think it’s because early in life they developed a craving for emotional pain (which a person with blunt honesty can deliver on a regular basis without even trying).

    But I live on the East Coast, so you have no practical way of stalking me, you beautiful crazy woman.

    • Lol, yes, that is true. We follow a pattern of emotional abuse. However, earlier this year I began soul searching, it started with this blog actually. It helped me to see my patterns and with a lot of work, to change. I’m doing much better actually and involved in relationships with people who are healthy and non abusive. It’s a completely different world out there once you pinpoint the root of your problems.

  9. Just to be clear, when I said you were “beautiful”, I was talking about your face, not your exposed breasts or your exposed butt in some of your pictures.

    I realized it might be important to make this distinction after noticing how many female bloggers seem to find it challenging to keep their clothes on or avoid talking about sex. Apparently, you whores don’t understand that it’s possible to be beautiful and have self-respect at the same time.

  10. So I have been reading some of your posts today and I came across this one. I’d be lying if I said I had not found a sociopath at least once: because I know I did. In fact, I suspect that may have happened more than once before: at least, those of the shallow kind.

    The thing is, in my opinion, you should not have to “settle” or want to be with a “normal guy.” While there is a great distinction between someone who is narcissistic, and sociopathic and someone who is not none of us are “normal.” When I think of the word normal I think of someone who is bland, without personality, without real actual forethought or dreams really beyond the banal. I don’t think many people who like an individual like that. And as for “regular love” … that is a whole other issue entirely.

    While you might have to work through some things, wanting a challenge and wanting to get to know someone, or several people who have unique traits is something different entirely in my book.

    • My definition of “normal” would just be someone who doesn’t manipulate and game play I suppose. I’ve already found that the most incredible and unique people are also the kindest and most “normal.” ❤

  11. When you live in a society that is operates outside of the laws of principle of creation everyone is crazy. We are born into crazy. So we do the best that we can with the cards that was handed to us. Its only when we start to look with in ourselves and question the things that we do is what sets us on the right path of changing. The world that we live in is negative the only thing that makes us accept the system is because they add just a little truth to keep us hooked. I know that I’m crazy so now I can be on the path of healing. Thinks for posting this.

  12. Pingback: How Everything Changed | It's not my fault.

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