This week everything looks so different to me. The world seriously looks as different as it did the day my grandpa died. Having this ONE tiny piece of the puzzle has changed my entire life. Now that I am aware, I am capable of not only finding better ways to deal with these people (Mom, Beans, Grim etc.) but I can finally break my bad patterns. I guess the hardest one so far is the back and forth. Having always tried to manipulate emotion right back at them, it never worked, obviously! “You can’t squeeze blood from a stone.” as Beans used to say. So, my main self challenge for this week will be to not respond with emotion to any of them ever again. I’ve already mastered this skill with my mother.
I am enlightened.
My repressed anger is continuing to surface in the form of dreams. I woke up this morning from a dream I was having about stabbing my mom with a fork. It felt amazing, I’m not going to lie. Although, I’m still a bit sick over the dumb spider I crushed in a tissue last night for (my son) Pj. I felt its body “pop” in my hands and I wanted to throw up.
It was a Thursday, two years ago, that I met my grandparents in Barstow. We had lunch together and then I loaded my kids into their car and kissed them goodbye. The restraining order was already in place. I knew Beans would retaliate and I know he was plotting to show up at the house and take Tallulah away.
I was 6 months pregnant when he threw me down the stairs for the first time. After I pulled my self up off of the ground sobbing and hysterical, he leaned into me and said, “That baby is mine. Mark my words, the minute she is born I will take her from you.”
The first time he wanted to teach me a lesson, Tallulah was 9 months old. Beans had moved out of our house and in with his mother a few days prior. My dad was living with us. I went in to have my breast implants inserted as my dad sat with the children. After coming out of surgery fine, my friend drove me home. I was in bed sleeping off the pain medication when he did it.
Beans came into the house, took Tallulah and wouldn’t bring her back nor let me have any contact with her. He had her for two weeks when I finally gave in and let him move back into our family’s home. Of course, he didn’t do it without an entire new list of rules for me to follow and a “heart-felt” apology from me.
This is why, when I left him for good, it was after taking the majority of our marriage to gather evidence. I had pictures of the 19 different prescriptions Beans was on at the time. I had photos of my body documenting the physical abuse. I obtained letters from bosses and mutual friends, not bashing Beans, but standing up for my character. I had photos of the feces he left on the toilet seats when he was high and unable to clean up after himself. The final step was the restraining order. I filed on a Monday, after waking up alone in the bath tub. He was served that following morning and I didn’t want the kids to be anywhere around for the action.
After saying my goodbyes to my babies, I drove back to Las Vegas to pack up my house. My friends were driving up to help me get out of there, I had two days to get it done.
That Friday morning, after being served, Beans showed up with the police. After being instructed not to speak to me and just to gather his things he approached me anyway.
“Where’s my daughter? I want my daughter!” he screamed.
“She’s at *****’s mom’s house.” my dad lied.
That was all it took. Beans stormed out of there and high tailed it to my mom’s house (they have been an inseparable team ever since). An hour later, we had our first visit from CPS saying they had a call about me abusing the children. I told the worker where they were and she promised to have another worker check on us there.
A week later we did in fact get that visit. After submitting all my evidence (I had saved for the upcoming court battle) to her, she not only closed the case, she told me she thought I did the exact right thing under the circumstances. Then, she gave me all the information that I needed to (get and) file a claim against Beans in the California court system.
I arrived to my court hearing a week later, Beans was able to attend via phone conference call. Guess what? The judge didn’t care about any of my evidence. Beans had convinced her that I was at fault with his magnificent manipulation skills. Not only that, he was pressing kidnapping charges. THE ONLY THING THAT SAVED ME THAT DAY was the screen shot of the text message Beans had sent me, a few days prior to my moving, telling me that he thought I should move to California with my grandparents. He would say anything to manipulate me (right now he is trying to manipulate me into moving in with my mom) and thank God that I had saved all the evidence.
Ever since the move, I was paranoid and having on going anxiety attacks. This made the situation even worse. I was having a hard time functioning at my new job because I knew he was plotting, I needed an attorney and I didn’t have any money. My grandpa finally gave into helping me with attorney fees, after sitting in court with me that day. He was in complete shock having witnessed the judge disregard my evidence and taking Beans side, accusing me of kidnapping. Also accusing me of plotting the entire thing against him as “petty revenge.”
Beans even send a letter, verified mail, to my grandparents, telling them that I had been abusing him the entire time.
I hired my attorney not a second too soon. It turned out, I was due in court in Las Vegas the following morning for a hearing. Beans had filed an emergency motion to have Tallulah returned to the state and to him. I made it there in time and was ordered to release her to Beans for 2 weeks, until the next hearing.
Out of fear of a court battle I could lose and being limited on funds, I ended up settling with Beans on 50/50 custody.
Since everything has happened now (since February) with the death of my grandfather and my mother manipulating my family (2 years later), I had no choice but to leave Tallulah with Beans 5 weeks ago. He has only let me speak to her 4 times since. Every time she has been crying on the phone and also, every time, I can hear my mom taking in the back ground.
I found THIS great blog on how to cut the ties with a sociopath, today, for any of you that are having the same problem as I am.
I’m going for a run now! Counting my blessing that I have made it this far! Hey what other homeless bitch gets set up in a little place on the beach? I still have my son here and he’s able to finish out the school year in the same school. I also STILL got my book published TWICE through out all this! Now that’s incredible. PLUS I got to tell the city about my adventures HERE.
BTW did I mention that I will be writing for this amazing upcoming magazine?!?!?!
LASF Magizine! Stay tuned!