As you all are aware of by now, my book signing at Gatsby’s is only a week away! The wonderful owner Sean, knowing this is my first hayride, invited me into the store for last night’s signing with author Nancy Ralph-Johnson, as she read from her book, “Naked On The Rocks.” You know, to kinda get the feel of it all.
Nancy is not just any author. Oh no, she is a 70-year-old lady with a book of sex poems. You read that correctly. Actually, the back cover has a photo of Nancy naked on it. She’s damn hot for 70. That’s right, she looks NOTHING like my grandma, that’s for sure.
This was not a venture I was to go at alone, nope. After all, an event like this is much better when you can convince someone to tag along with you and you get to watch them suffer through it. So, I did what any demented, heartless, half-sociopathic mutant would do. Uh huh, I decided to drag with me, my good pal, Sam. I convinced him by telling him it was a date. Sam is my new favorite person to hang with. He is not a sociopath nor does he drink, he makes an excellent designated driver. Also, one time I told Sam (who has a beard) that I hate beards. Without skipping a beat, he looked me in the eye, and with the most monotone voice I had ever heard responded, “I hate blondes.” See why I like him?
Anyway, back to my story, quit interrupting me.
Sam and I made our way inside the book store. We still had a few minutes before the event began so we decided to browse the book selection. That is a lie. Sam browsed the book collection as I made my way to the wine table. Immediately, I pushed some elderly bitch out of my way with my shoulder and grabbed the first open bottle I laid my eyes upon. I filled up a plastic cup to the brim and then turned to the old man next to me.
“Cheers!” I said, while lifting my cup in his direction.
He gave me a once over with his eyes before saying, “No, thank you,” and walking away.
Whatever, this wasn’t going to ruin my night. I made my way over to Sam and told him some dumb story about my old friend, “Crazy-Cassie and the abominable snow man.” Sam made me retell it twice. I’m still not sure he understood. Whatever, it’s an amazing story and I will tell you guys about it soon, promise!
Nancy was prepared for this event, she even had a band opening for her. Once the music ended and we had taken out seats, I leaned into Sam and asked him if his band would play at my signing.
“If you want all your fans to leave, we will,” Sam has great confidence in his bands abilities.
Nancy took the stage and began her reading.
“This is called, ‘Party on Cowboy,’
Hey diddle diddle, Guitars and a fiddle, No clothes for the day was the rule, From the cake she exploded, The people Dis-ro-bed, And the party plunged into the pool….”
This was making me very happy and a little squeamish. I noticed the woman sitting in front of me had her copy of “Naked on the Rocks” open and was reading along almost entranced.
I leaned into Sam, “Hey look! Look at that lady! We are in SEX CHURCH!”
Sam rolled his eyes as I tried to contain my laughter.
“You DO like me!” I whispered at him, “to put up with this shit!”
Sam just shook his head as if to say, “Whatever, loser.”
“Hey diddle diddle, Party boy in the middle, Awaiting his stereo present, One wore her banner, The other-just tanner. Two maidens to love him-how pleasant.”
This was the most awesome thing I have ever gotton to experience since..…Chippendales!!!! I told this to Sam, he still didn’t get it.
Nancy read a little more and then took a break. Once she was seated at a table in the far end of the book store a line began to form. I bought myself a copy of the book and waited my turn for her to sign. As I stood there some petrified old fart approached me, and after a pervy stare at my black lace stockings and six inch peach stilettos he turned to me and asked, “Are you a dancer?”
“No, I’m a runner,” I replied.
“That’s nice,” he said, then walked away.
That’s when it hit me, HE THINKS I’M A STRIPPER! Damn it! Here I have been wasting all my energy trying to convince people that I don’t do porn.
Nancy was taking a long time to sign her books, I caught part of her conversation with the woman in line in front of me, “I saw him here! I also saw the other guy. I wonder how many of my conquests will show up tonight!”
I told you this was the most awesome event, EVER! As I stood there, I envisioned my future. This was it! Well, this only with the face of Joan Rivers, of course..
Finally, it was my turn. I handed Nancy my book and a sharpie and asked, “Can you sign the front cover? ‘To Wendi, the other naked author.”
She agreed, and as she began writing she turned to me and said, “Honey, I was naked long before you.”
I LOVE HER.
Then she showed me the tattoo on the back of her neck while pointing to the front cover of her book. The cover was a picture of her tattoo. With a sly smile she looked me in the eyes and exclaimed, “It says Y E S.”
Don’t forget to come to my signing Next Thursday @ 7pm! Wine and donuts will be served! ❤ ❤ ❤