Home

After plastering on some white face paint, I smeared my eyes with a thick line of black liquid liner and gobbed on the mascara until my eyes looked like lumpy taranchulas. Next, I smoothed my little black bob down perfectly, threw on some fishnets and some six-inch spice girl style platforms.

Uh huh, I looked totally hot.

Nope, pfft! I wasn’t on my way to the club. How dare you! I was a rad goth gal going on a road trip. That’s right to see my old friend, Shanice in San Diego.

Yipee!

I loaded my all-black-wearing-ass into my little white Geo Metro that I had decorated with an array of original stickers from Hot Topic. My favorite being a sparkly pink heart that read, “I’m not a slut, I’m popular.”

I told you I was cool. Don’t judge me.

wentina

This trip was not to be made alone, though. I had two other of my close gal pals coming along for the ride. First stop was to grab Rasputina. I pulled up into her driveway next to her families half smashed micro beater. This thing made my Geo look large. Tina was a total ghetto celebrity riding around in that thing with her family. Why, it didn’t matter what location or the time of day it was, somehow I would end up driving past that smog-mobile at some point during the week. Apparently, it wasn’t just me, other mutual friends had complained about the very same thing.

It was like sighting Sasquatch!

Really, it kinda was. Her dad was almost seven feet tall and had to drive with his head out the window.

Once parked I exited my go-cart and made my way to the front door and knocked. I wasn’t sure anyone heard me though, because Tina’s mom was screaming at the top of her lung,

“TINA! WHERE DID YOU PUT THAT VIDEO? I NEED IT! WHAT? THE DOOR? NO ONE IS AT THE DOOR TINA, I WOULD HAVE HEARD IT! WHAT?”

Just then the rusted screen swung open. Tina came walking out with a sigh. On her head, her usual top hat. Covering her body was a black velvet trench coat and on her shoulder, her token tree-face leather bag. Seriously, it’s a tree with a face on it. Even, it has glass eyes that stare at you.

I hate that thing, it’s creepy.

We both climbed into my joke of a car

“Here,” Tina said, handing me a mixed tape. I put it in and pressed play. It was The Cure. I love The Cure.

“I love The Cure,” I told Tina.

“Ya, I know,” she whined, “When did you get your nose pierced?”

“I pierced it myself, Tina. Like 3 years ago. Pay attention!” I scolded her.

“Well I pierced my own too but I did it four years ago. Ever since I did everyone started copying me. Like, I’m not saying that you copied me in particular because you weren’t living here, you were in Las Vegas……”

Womp…womp…womp…this bitch would not stop whining. Did she not know that I really didn’t care WHO pierced their nose first. I already was way cooler than her because I worked at Hot Topic, that was like 100 extra goth points right there.

Anyway, I wasn’t too annoyed because we weren’t going alone. I was just a block away from Crazy Cassie’s apartment. We pulled down the alleyway and parked on the curb. Cassie was already standing outside next to her mother. Cassie had her hair in pigtails and was wearing 5 inch tall, white sneakers (hey this was the 90’s after all). Cassie’s mom stood there in all her white trash, dirty t-shirt, obese glory with a dumb wide grin on her face exposing her missing front teeth.

In Cassie’s hand was a large, gift wrapped box. A present! Oh goody! I Love presents.

Tina and I exited the car to say our hellos.

“Can you open the trunk?” Cassie asked me, “This is a wedding gift for Shanice.”

“What?” I asked in shock. Shanice was married at least a year prior. I hadn’t gotten her anything. Was this bitch trying to show me up?

I opened the trunk and let Cassie place the package inside and we were off.

As we were headed toward the freeway Cassie started the conversation, “I want to be an anthropologist. I was in college this year and at an excavation when my teacher came onto me,” she said in an emotionless, monotone voice.

“What?” Tina and I asked in unison, both shocked.

“Ya. He tried to fondle my private area and then he raped me so I told on him. He was suspended but I was kicked out of the program for it.”

“That’s really messed up, Cassie,” I said.

Suddenly Cassie’s attention was diverted. She had a huge grin on her face while looking into the car beside us and waving.

“Hey look you guys. The man in the lane next to us is really friendly, he’s waving.”

That’s when it happened.

Tina and I looked to the right. There was a pickup truck in the lane next to us. The man inside was smiling and waving alright, with one hand. The other hand was on his exposed and erect junk!

“How the hell is he steering?” Rasputina spit out.

“Cassie, quit waving right now! That guy is beating off!” I scolded.

“Huh?” Cassie was confused.

She didn’t get it.

I put the peddle to the metal and floored that sucker but it was no use. The damn Geo wouldn’t go past 65 MPH. Instead I opted to slow down. I crammed myself between two cars. He was still hanging close. The man was relentless, he loved this game of hide and seek and every time I thought I had lost him, he would pop up next to us.

Eventually, after a good half hour and a freeway change he was gone. Probably he had finished himself off.

Two hours after out initial leaving we had arrived. We parked in the lot and hopped out. Cassie grabbed her giant gift.

Show off.

The three of us headed inside. After saying hello, Shanice excitedly took her present and opened it up. The look of shock on her face was priceless. I was holding in roaring laughter, Inside were pots and pans: USED and dirty pots and pans. 

Haha!

Good thing we were going OUT to eat.

After our visit the three of us said our goodbyes to Shanice. It was getting late and we still had a long drive home. I handed Tina the directions.

“Here, read these to me backwards,” I instructed. I’m not sure if Tina is dyslexic or not because before we realized it we were heading down a dirt road.

“Where the hell are we going, Tina?” I asked starting to get annoyed, “This is NOT the way we came.”

“I don’t know. I’m just reading you the directions like you said.”

The dirt road was leading up a steep hill. It ended in front of an abandoned chapel. It was creepy, even for us goths.

“I’m turning around,” I said.

“I really have to pee,” Cassie stated from the back seat.

“Okay, I’ll look for a place to stop.”

After about 45 minutes we were back to a main road we recognized. I pulled into the first gas station parking lot and let Cassie use the facilities. She was taking forever. Tina was out stretching her legs and thought it would be funny to jump on the hood of my car and press her mammoth tata’s onto the glass in front of my face. I did not like this, I had already hit my limit of bullshit for the day. Tina hadn’t realized my car was still running.

With an evil chuckle I started driving around the parking lot with Tina on my hood.

“Stop!” she screamed.

I just laughed and kept going in circles. Tina was holding on for dear life. The louder she screamed the faster I drove.

I loved this.

Cassie came walking out, “Hey, that looks fun. I want a ride!”

This was hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing. Then as fast as it had began it stopped, with a thud! That’s right,Tina finally lost her grip and ate shit on the concrete below skinning her ass cheeks.

Cassie didn’t skip a beat and jumped on my hood as soon as she saw her opportunity. I drove a few more circles with her on it but it wasn’t nearly as fun without provoking the fear of death. Once she had her fill, she jumped off the hood and climbed back inside.

We were off. 

Finally, we made our way onto the correct freeway. Tina sat pissed off for the remainder of the trip. She refused to talk to me. I didn’t care, it was totally worth it. Well, until Cassie started telling more of her stories.

Completely monotone, she began,

“Mostly I want to be an anthropologist so I can travel to the Swiss alps in search of the abominable snow man. He really exists you know. People try to say that he doesn’t exist but I will prove them wrong with my research. People also think that ghosts don’t exist but just the other day I was at my grandma’s house. She has a ghost called “The Headless Horseman” that lives in her bathroom mirror. Why, I was in my grandma’s bathroom talking to the ghost the other day….”

Tina just sat there in silence with her arms crossed, she was content to let Cassie talk, I deserved this.

I turned up The Cure to drown her out but Cassie just talked louder. Still completely monotone.

….longest two hours of my life, ever.

One thought on “Abominable Meat Beater

  1. Pingback: Abominable Meat Beater | The Single Girl Project LA/SF

What do YOU have to say about this? Comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s