Along with knowledge comes power, the power to change. When said knowledge happens to be that you are now aware of the fact you serial dated sociopath’s the majority of your life, big changes can occur. Well, if you work at them.
The last few days my anxiety has been eating at me from the inside out. The pressure of moving forward in my life, finding a new job and of course slowing emerging from the grief of losing the most important man in my life, my grandfather who raised me.
Within creating my new life came a new relationship. Are you all ready for what I’m going to tell you next? Well, put on your diapers because you are all about to shit yourselves…
A healthy relationship.
I was hanging out with Sam today and more than once had a minor anxiety attack, or maybe more so just became flustered. I noted his awareness of my frustrations and cringed at the thought of his possible reaction to them. There wasn’t one. Not really. Within a few minutes of his non existent reaction came my relaxation and things went back to “normal.”
I’m sure this is how “normal” people behave in fairly “normal” day to day situations. However to me, this was absolutely shocking. It’s the first time a man I have been with has not picked up on my frustrations and seized the opportunity to exploit my weaknesses.
A month ago, I would not even have been aware what was happening. Thank you a million times over, Postivagirl!
This particular situation sent my brain a ways back tonight into my marriage with Beans. It was the day before Thanksgiving. Our daughter was just a month old and my son from a previous relationship was 2 years old. Beans arrived home from work that day around 5, but wanted to spend the evening at band practice aka smoking pot and playing guitar in his friends basement. They never did play a show or book any gigs. .
“Hey, why don’t you have a friend come over and hang out with you tonight? You guys can drink some wine and relax.” Beans suggested.
“Really?” I was a bit shocked.
So, I did what any lonely, fat housewife would do in a situation like this, that’s right! I called up my friend Polly and had her bring by a few bottles of red wine. She did not disappoint!
Beans left and I had the kids to bed by eight. Polly and I finished off the wine and I texted Beans requesting that he bring more home on his way home. He was back by one am with another round of merlot. Beans handed me the bottles before retreating to the bedroom for the evening. Somewhere around four am we eventually passed out.
Pain, it was pure bodily pain at noon when I first opened my eyes. The red wine demons had assaulted my obese frame in the worst possible ways. I reached over to the night stand and grabbed a half empty bottle of water and began chugging. Just then, Beans walked into the room.
“I’ve been up with the kids all morning,” he stated, “I need a nap.”
“Okay, okay. Just give me a few minutes to wake up. I need coffee,” I moaned.
Beans sighed as he laid his body down on the bed. “Polly left already. She said you had too much to drink and she had to babysit you.”
“What? What did I do? Was I bad?”
“I don’t know, Asterisk, but if your friends are complaining about your behavior you really should start looking inside yourself. I keep telling you that you are an alcoholic but you wont listen to me, maybe you will listen to your friends. People care about you but all you do is hurt them.”
Just then the baby started crying.
“I’ll get her. Did you finish up all that breast milk I pumped and left in the fridge yesterday?” I asked Beans.
“I didn’t see any breast milk. You better pump some more. I made her formula.”
“Beans! You can’t give her formula! She is on breast milk only. I told you yesterday that there were all those bags in the fridge, I even showed you where they were and labeled them!”
“Calm down, relax. Formula is fine. I don’t know why you have to be so anal all the time. It’s not a big deal. You can breast feed her now.”
“No, I can’t! My milk is filled with wine!” I screeched.
“Use what’s in the fridge then. Maybe it’s time that you start choosing your daughter over alcohol,” Beans suggested.
“That’s not the point, Beans! The point is I made sure to show you where the milk was! We decided together to breast feed only and she has NEVER HAD FORMULA BEFORE!”
“You really need to chill out, maybe you should have a drink. You are much nicer when you drink.”
“You just told me not to drink!”
I was more than frustrated as I went into the kitchen to make up a bottle for the baby. After feeding her, I put her down for a nap and readied myself for a shower.
“Here,” Beans said handing me an oblong white pill. “Take this, it will make you feel better.”
“I can’t take Tylenol, Beans. It will make me sick.”
“It’s not Tylenol. Just trust me. It will make you feel better.”
“I’m fine,” I restated.
“Come on,” he whined, “just take it.”
“Ugh! Fine,” I took the bottle of water he handed me and downed the pill. “What is this?”
“It’s a Lortab.”
“I take them for my back. It will relax you. Just take a shower.”
“I’m gonna run to the corner store and grab some smokes, I’ll be right back,” he promised.
“Okay. Will you pick me up a pack too?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said while reaching into my wallet and pulling out my last twenty.
I hopped into the shower. Afterwards I dressed myself and then went on a hunt for my children’s holiday clothes, checking the clock. Beans was still not back and it had been a good half hour.
I was prepping the children when it happened. A wave of nausea hit me and I was forced to run to the bathroom and empty out the contents of my gut. A night’s worth of regurgitated red wine coated the toilet. I cleaned up my mess and finished dressing my son. Beans had still not come back. It was Thanksgiving Day and we were due at his family’s restaurant for dinner in less than an hour.
It was a good hour after that that Beans finally made it back.
“Where were you?” I asked more than annoyed.
“Chill out. I had to get some cigarettes.”
“It doesn’t take two hours to get cigarettes!” I scolded.
“I wasn’t gone two hours. I just ran to the corner. My friend, Todd was there. We talked for a few minutes, he wants to buy my car. I didn’t want to be rude.”
“Your family is going to think I’m rude! I feel like shit, Beans! I just threw up. That pill you gave me made me sick.”
“Did you eat anything?” he asked me.
“No, we are having dinner at your family’s restaurant!” I reminded him. “I threw up all that red wine, I will never drink red wine again!”
“Ha ha! Ya right! You need to eat before taking those pills or they make you sick.”
“Ugh, thanks for the advanced warning. I need some pinot grigio or some champagne,” I stated.
“I will get you some when we get there. I just need to lay down for a minute.”
“You can’t lay down right now, we are late!” I screamed, stunned.
“You need to relax, Asterisk. My family never eats this early, anyway, they will wait for us. Besides, I was up all morning with the kids while you slept off your hangover, remember? It’s my turn.”
“Fine,” I said, retreating my argument, out of guilt.
With that Beans closed his eyes and slept a good hour. I spent my time annoyed and pacing the house. Finally he arose and we loaded up his car with the children and headed out. We were the last people to arrive. Beans mother looked up in shock.
“Where were you? You are over an hour late, Beans!”
He reached in and gave her a kiss. Then he handed her our daughter. She forgot all about the conversation.
Beans pulled out a chair for me, “Sit down and relax. I’ll go to the bar and get you a drink.”
I watched Beans as he walked right past the bar, onto the patio and lit a cigarette. A few minutes later I watched him light another. I was alone at the table with his brothers family and the children and there he was, taking his sweet ass time. Finally, roughly fifteen minutes later her arrived back setting a glass of merlot in front of me.
“Seriously?” I asked in shock after looking the red liquid death up and down.
“What?” he questioned.
“You brought me red wine?” I was still in shock and growing more angry.
“You love merlot,” he stated.
“Yes, but not today! I drank way too much last night and then puked my guts out this morning!” I reminded him.
“How was I to know you didn’t want it, you always drink red wine. Just try to drink it, for me?”
The thought made me want to hurl but I sipped it anyway. That was a mistake. I almost lost my guts at the table.
“I really can’t drink this,” I said handing him the glass, “Can you please go get me some white wine?”
“Yes, give me some cash,” he ordered, “It’s a cash only bar.”
“I don’t have any cash. I gave it to you for cigarettes,” I reminded him.
“I can run across the street to an ATM,” he suggested.
“No Beans! I need some help with the fucking Children!” I almost screamed. His mother, brother and his brothers wife all turned around to stare at my outburst, “Just forget it,” I whispered.
Beans grabbed my neck and started massaging it at the table.
A few hours later we were finally on our way home.
“I love you,” Beans said to me. I just rolled my eyes. “I love you more than anything in the world. I even love you more than my own mother,” he stated.
“That’s a horrible thing to say! I’m going to tell her you said that!” I threatened.
“I’m serious. I love you more than the children. If we were to get into a car accident and if it caught on fire, I would save you first.”
“That’s a really fucked up thing to say! You better rescue the fucking kids! They are helpless!” I screamed.
“Kids can be replaced, but you never could,” he stated.
“My tubes are tied!” I reminded him.
I was hung over, annoyed and wanted nothing more than a nap when we finally pulled into our driveway. Beans took the baby out of her carrier and I helped my son out of his car seat, he was playing with a balloon he had tied to his wrist.
“Why don’t you go lay down?” Beans suggested.
“I can’t, I need to get PJ ready for bed. He needs a bath.”
“I’ll handle it. You just lay down,” he offered.
“Really? Are you sure?” I asked.
“Go lay down!” he ordered.
“Okay, but make sure you take that balloon away from him before you lay him down. I don’t want him alone with that balloon, it’s dangerous.”
“I said that I would handle it.” he promised.
Relieved, I put on my sweats and got into bed, it had been a long a day.
Something woke me up later that evening, it was a strange sound. I perked my ears up in my half asleep state. I looked over to see that beans was in bed next to me.
“What is that sound?” I asked him
“Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
Ehhhhhhhhh. Ehhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhh.
Silently I got out of bed and starting walking towards the hallway.
“Get back back in bed!” Beans ordered, “It’s nothing.”
I ignored him and kept walking. The sound was coming from my sons room. He was baby gated inside still wearing his Thanksgiving suit. He was moaning the strangest sound I had ever heard.
“Pj, are you okay?” I asked him. He moaned again, “Pj, are you okay?” I screamed.
“He’s fine, you are being crazy!” Beans yelled from the bedroom.
That’s when I saw it. The string from the balloon was wrapped around his neck several times, his face was turning purple and he couldn’t breath.
“OH MY GOD! BEANS, GET THE SCISSORS! GET THEM NOW! PJ IS CHOKING TO DEATH!” I screamed at the top of my lungs while trying to free him from the string at the same time.
Beans slowly walked in with the scissors but I had already ripped the string apart with my hands.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Beans? I told you not to leave Pj in the room with the balloon! I specifically told you! You are fucking retarded! You must be the stupidest person I know!” I shouted ready to kill him.
“You are a crazy fucking bitch! He was fine! This is unreal! Un-fcking real. I’m out of here!” he shouted as he took off down the stairs and through the front door slamming it so hard that the entire house shook knocking framed pictures off the wall. I could hear glass shatter.
The noise woke up my daughter. Both kids were screaming and I was hysterically crying. I snatched them up and put the in bed with me.
At the time, I really thought that Beans was stupid but looking back I can see how this was all a premeditated game.
Yup, he was playing me.
I hope he dies. Soon.