It all started one boring afternoon when I was 20. My boyfriend, Redbeard, had left me just a month prior and moved back to Las Vegas.
After another one of the most-boring-mornings-ever, working in a ghost town of a hair salon, I wandered down the street to the local coffee shop for some caffeine, hoping to keep myself from falling into a coma.
That’s when I saw him.
Sexy blue haired boy.
He had one of those surfer bangs that swept across his baby face and covered one of his giant blue eyes. “What-thhh can I get-sss you today-thhh?” he asked me.
He probably had the worst lisp I had ever heard. “Uhhh, an iced blended mocha,” I said trying my best not to laugh at him.
“Coming-sss right up-thhh!”
His lisp was thicker than a that of a drunken toothless man eating a jar of peanut butter.
But I didn’t care, he was still damn hot.
After he finished blending my drink, he reached his arm out to hand it to me.
“It’s-sss on the house-thhh,” he said with a wink. “What’s-sss your name?”
“Asterisk, what’s yours?”
That was all it took. I knew I was going to fuck Jacob.
That’s right! I didn’t even care if he had a lisp.
Why, I’ve always been a keen supporter of the handicapped.
The week that followed, I made sure to stop in every afternoon for an ice blended mocha. Each afternoon, he gave them to me free of charge and I rewarded him with a crisp dollar bill in the tip jar.
Then, one fateful day it finally happened.
Jacob asked me out, “Hey-thhh, Asterisk-thhh, I was-sss wondering if you-sss would come-thhh with-sss me to a party-thhh.”
“Uh, ya, totally. I would love to!”
That night he picked me up in his little run-down beater of a car and drove us to the party.
I jumped in and noticed the inside was decorated with Tigger.
That’s right, the seats were covered in orange and black tiger stripes. Actually, the dash board was covered in them too, glued on was some sort of striped felt and mounted to it was a little Tigger bobble head.
He even had a Tigger air freshener dangling from the mirror.
“Uh, Jacob, you sure like Tigger, huh?”
Just then he started to sing.
“A wonderful thing is-sss a Tigger-thhh. A Tigger-thhh is-sss a wonderful thing-thhh.”
My jaw dropped and hit the floor.
He continued lisping in song the duration of the drive.
“Their tops-sss are made-thhh out of rubber-thhh, their bottoms-sss are made out of spring-thhh.”
“They’re bouncy-thhh, bouncy-thhh, bouncy-thhh, bouncy-thhh, fun-sss, fun-sss, fun-sss, fun-sss, fun-sss, The most wonderful-thhh thing-thhh about Tiggers-sss is-sss: I’m the-thhh only one-thhh!”
It was horrible and I wanted to die.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore we finally arrived. Jacob jumped out of the front seat and like a gentleman, dashed over to my side to open the door for me. I stepped out of the car and that’s when I saw them…..
Giant raver pants.
You could probably have fit a whole complete other person in there.
I followed him inside the house.
I needed a beer.
Luckily the house was fully stocked with supplies. I downed a 6 pack pretty fast and out went my inhibitions.
Jacob-thhh was a gentleman and the more I drank the prettier he became.
As the saying goes, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” Although the saying really didn’t apply to my situation I convinced myself it did and decided to join Jacob-thh in his lisping.
Why, hanging out with Jacob-thhh was liking spending too much time in a country with an accent. Before I knew it I had picked up the entire speech impediment.
His friends had noticed and thought I was hilarious.
Actually, they started lisping too.
It was like being in a rattle snack den. There was hiss and spit flying everywhere.
Jacob-thhh was probably not the blackest stripe on Tiggers back, because it took him a good hour to catch on.
Once he did, it wasn’t pretty like his face.
“You guys-sss! Stop-thhh! Stop-thhh making fun-sss of me-thhh! I have an impediment-thhh!”
The crowd as well as myself were in complete hysterics.
Beer came foaming out of my nose.
Jacob-thhh’s face started turning bright red. “You guys-sssssss! Stop-thhh,” he begged once more.
Tears began streaming down his face.
He jumped out of his chair and started running to an empty bedroom.
That’s when it happened.
Jacob-thhh’s foot was caught in the fabric of one of his jumbo-sized pant legs.
Like a retard at the Special Olympics we watched him take a magnificent tumble over his own two feet.
Luckily he wasn’t injured, well, other than his ego.
“Hey, Jacob!” I called to him as he lifted himself off the ground. “Tiggers really can bounce!”
The group laughter ensued.
After a few minutes, feeling maybe a tiny bit responsible, I followed my lispy-lad into the bedroom to apologize.
“I’m sorry, Jacob. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“Ya-sss, righ-thhh.” he slurred.
“Seriously, I think your lisp is cute.”
“You-thhh do?” he asked me wide-eyed and in shock.
Then he leaned in and kissed me. What movement his tongue lacked verbally didn’t have any affect on his kissing skills. He mouth was hot and sweet.
I figured I at least owed him a consultation prize after all the humiliation he had just endured. So I took off his giant, hefty-bag pants.
Jacob-thhh penetrated me.
Just as he was coming to a grand finale I heard it.
“AHHH-THHH! AHHH-THHH! AHHH-THHH! YES-SSS!”
Jacob was moaning in lisp.
…..There IS a special place in hell for people like me.