Home

I woke up one fine Sunday morning with a smile on my puffy face. It was my first day off in weeks and (my then husband) Beans was taking the children to visit his mother. Never one to waste an opportunity, I had already made plans with Laverne and our mutual friend Gonzo.

Crab leg buffet! 

One of the perks to being a local in Las Vegas was knowing all the best attractions and the best time to take advantage of them. Every weekend the Station Casino offered all you could eat crab and unlimited champagne brunch for the value price of $9.99.

I hopped out of the shower, caked on the war paint and threw on my best girdle. After saying goodbye to my family I hopped into my car and made my way  to my adult Disneyland. Laverne pulled into the parking garage at the same time I did and snagged the spot next to mine.

I watched Laverne exit her car and come waddling over in my direction, “Do you like my new dress?”

Glancing down I noticed an ensemble that looked like it belonged to a Golden Girl. It was knee-length and the oddest shade of blue I had ever seen. Stitched across the collar were what appeared to be doilies. Laverne could have passed for an escapee of a nursing home. Except for her feet. She was wearing a pair of platforms decorated in the weirdest tie-die print I had ever seen.

“Laverne, what’s up with your shoes? It looks like you forgot your tampon and had your period all over them.”

“You are such a bitch! I thought you would be proud that I was wearing heels! Not everyone can walk in hooker shoes like you!”

“Ya, OK. I am proud. Great job, Disco Granny,” I taunted.

Together we made our way to the elevator. A text came in from Gonzo saying he was just five minutes away.

We reached the buffet line to find it virtually empty, what luck?

Just as we were approaching the cashier I noticed the restaurant’s sign, it looked different.

“They changed the sign,” I said to Laverne.

“Only you would notice something like that, Asterisk!” Laverne lectured me.

“The price has gone down! It’s $7.99 now.”

“Really? That’s great! Now I can put a few bucks into the poker machine!”

“Wait a second! Where’s the crab picture? Laverne, THERE IS NO CRAB IN THE PICTURE!”

Just then we reached the front of the line.

“Two?” the cashier asked us.

“Why has the price gone down?” I asked a bit worried. “There is STILL crab today, right?”

“No. We no longer have crab legs on Sunday.”

“What? Why? Are you kidding me?” I asked in a panic. “Why is there no crab?”

“It’s because of the oil spill..we can’t……..”

“THERE’S NO FUCKING CRAB? THIS IS BULLSHIT! I have been coming here for years! This is my only day off in weeks and I specifically came here for the crab. I NEED CRAB! Does the other Station have crab?”

“No, Mam.”

“When will the crab be back?”

“I don’t know. It’s the oil spill…”

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING OIL SPILL! I NEED CRAB!”

A security guard heard the commotion and came rushing towards me, Gonzo was not far behind him.”

“Miss, Miss! I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You are causing a commotion.”

“I want my crab!” I screamed.

Gonzo grabbed hold of my arm. “Come on, we can go somewhere else,” he suggested while pulling out his phone.

The three of us made our way back to the parking garage as Gonzo scoured the internet. There was nothing. Absolutely no crab to be found.

“Let’s just go to the grocery store and get some crab,” Laverne suggested. “We can grill it!”

This got me thinking, I HAD just recently purchased a margarita machine.

“I can make margaritas and heat the pool! You guys wanna swim?”

“I’m down for that!” Gonzo chirped. “Bitches, booze and bikini’s always sounds good to me!”

“You perv!” I laughed.

I made my way back home as my friends hit the grocery store. After unlocking the front door, I headed to the back yard to turn the pool heater on and  light the grill. Once everything was prepped, I tucked my fat rolls into a tight bathing suit. Most of them just flopped out of the side so I slipped on a cover up.

I paraded my beached whale self down to the kitchen to create my cocktails. My friends were taking longer than expected so I helped myself to a little solo breakfast tequila. I was already half a pitcher in when they finally arrived.

No matter! I still had half a gallon of tequila to go!

Gonzo threw five pounds of assorted crab onto the grill, Laverne melted butter and I continued to drink.

It didn’t take long for our crustacean limbs to heat up. Once they were done we sat around the outside table and consumed our brunch. We gorged ourselves on the seafood feast and booze.

“This was a brilliant idea Gonzo! YOU are a genius!”

“Hey, this was my idea!” Laverne interrupted, “Don’t give him all the credit!”

“You are both amazing! Margarita’s beat out cheap champagne anyway! Pus we don’t have to fight all those fat fuckers in the buffet line!”

Just then the back gate swung open, it was Tangerae’.

“Hey Bitch! I didn’t know you were coming!” I said in an excited chuckle.

“It was a surprise!” Laverne shouted.

I got up to give Tangerae’ a hug. After I let go of her small frame, why, I had an excellent idea!

Like the school yard bully I am, I pushed my arms out with brunt force and launched my unsuspecting friend into the pool.

SPLASH!!!!

Everyone looked on in shock for a few seconds. It was followed be a round of roaring laughter.

They thought this was hilarious and I was now the supreme center of attention.

Well, until Tangerae pulled herself out in tears.

“My toe! You ripped off the nail of my big toe!”

Everyone looked down onto the wet cement to see Tangerae’s poor foot sitting in a puddle of her own blood.

“Oh my God, Asterisk. Why did you do that?” Laverne scolded me.

“Shut up, Laverne! It was funny! You laughed! Don’t act like you didn’t!”

“Oh my, God. Owe! Oh my God! That was my injured toe nail! Can you get me something to clean this with?” Tangerae’ begged.

“Fine!” I said as I stomped inside the house.

Who did this bitch think she was coming over here and causing problems? I was just trying to have some fun and now she made me look like a dick in front of everyone. I stepped inside my bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet.

There it was, the acetone. 

I took the bottle out of the cabinet with a smirk and made my way outside. This would show her. Before she even saw it coming, I dumped the contents all over her exposed wound.

She screamed out in pain.

 I smiled. 

Tangerae’ decided she had endured more than enough of my antics and went home, limping.

Once she was gone the party resumed. I blew up an inflatable doughnut, with a cup holder attached to carry my cocktail in, as I floated my fat ass around the 80 degree pool. Laverne eventually joined in and was pushing me around the water in my giant floatie.

Gonzo stayed seated at the edge. He was comfortable enough just enjoying the show.  

It was probably around 3pm when it happened, after having consumed a vast majority of the alcohol myself with noting to eat but crab.

Not a great plan.

It hit without any warning.

Before I could even tell Laverne to get the hell out of my way, projectile vomit came spewing out of my mouth.

I was like a water fountain, only expelling clumps of soured seafood and warm tequila. Laverne couldn’t move fast enough and my putrid stomach fluids coated her face and hair. I reached my arms out in a frenzy and began paddling my way to shore.

BLEH!

Puddles of vomit were taking on form in the pool.

BLEH!

I tried covering my mouth with my hand but it was of no use.

BLEH!

I finally reached the end of the pool and finished releasing my brunch all over a tiny palm tree.

Beans had arrived back from his mother’s and walked outside just in time to witness my Barf-ageddon.

He made everybody go home.

The next morning the pool turned green.

I ended up with one wicked sunburn and a hangover to match.

I was picking up crab shells off of my patio for months and for a while, we had become a hang out spot for the neighborhood cats.

Tangerae’ went to her foot specialist after that and as it turned out, because of the fateful push into the pool, her Podiatrist FINALLY approved the surgery she had been needing.

See?

You all thought I was a jerk for doing that, but I wasn’t, I was helping!

sunburn

15 thoughts on “Bitches, Booze & Bikinis

  1. I don’t like the nose piercing or the eyebrow thinning, but you’re still cute. Just take the ring out and grow your eyebrows back, please.

    Gonzo? Come on. That’s a made-up name.

    Do these stories have a point? I find it difficult to pay attention because I can’t tell what the point is supposed to be.

    • I don’t have eyebrows, Matthew! The Lord did not bless me with eyebrows! I am eyebrow challanged and quite sensitive about it. Now you come onto my blog and ruin my Thanksgiving by publicly pointing out my disability.

      What’s the point in that Matthew? What’s the point in that?

  2. Pingback: Grand Theft Bacon | It's not my fault.

  3. Pingback: Who Res | It's not my fault.

What do YOU have to say about this? Comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s