Aquarium of the Douche-Dick


I was about two months pregnant when Rock asked me out on a date. He was a tall, handsome stranger I had met a few months prior at the goth club. He had worn a velvet suit and had a sexy black razor cut with a bang that hung over one eye.

“I would love to go out with you, but I have to be honest. I just found out that I’m pregnant.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize you were seeing someone, let alone that serious with him.”

“No, no. I’m not. I mean we had been dating but not seriously, he’s really not into the baby thing. We actually broke up,” I confessed.

“Well then, let me take you to dinner,” he offered again.

“Really? Are you sure?” I asked, taken aback.

“Completely. Would you mind meeting me in Hollywood? It’s about halfway between our houses and I work pretty late tomorrow night. Say 9 pm?”

“Yes! No problem, I’d love to!”

“Let’s do Italian. I know a little place on Sunset. I’ll text you the address in the morning.”

I couldn’t believe my luck. Here I was pregnant and alone, when out of the blue, the man of my dreams was asking me out on a date!

The next evening I made my way out to Hollywood. Once I found the restaurant, I parked and waddled my ever widening ass inside. Rock was there holding a table for us.

“Hey, Babe, pregnancy agrees with you,” he said.

I blushed.

“No, I’ve been sick a lot and I have already put on ten pounds,” I confessed.

“Then you needed it, you look stunning. So tell me about this idiot who dumped you after finding out that you were carrying his baby.”

“I’d rather not talk about it, it’s kind of a sore subject,” I said.

“I understand, lets get some food.”

Our meals arrived and they were less than great. Rock noticed me pushing food around my plate with the fork.

“How do you like your pasta?” he asked me.

“I’m not really into it,” I admitted.

“Me either,” he said as he signaled our waiter.

“This food is a disgrace, have you switched Chefs? Owners? I brought this beautiful girl here to impress her and this is definitely not doing the job,” he complained.

“No, sir. I’m sorry you are not enjoying your meals. Perhaps you would lik to try something else?” the waiter suggested.

“I’ll pass,” Rock said, looking over to me, “Asterisk? You want to try another dish?”

“No, I’m good.”

I had been having “morning sickness” in the evenings and the over use of garlic had made my stomach turn. I figured I had better stop before my nausea turned into more than I could handle.

The waiter discounted our bill. Rock paid it before helping me out of my seat. Once we had left the restaurant, he pointed out a small ice cream shop just a few doors down.

“Care to test our luck on some frozen goodies?” he asked.


I hoped some mint ice cream might help soothe my sickness and I was right.

We found a low, abandoned wall to sit on outside of the store while we ate. Rock talked about his family and how much he loved his mom. He told me that she was a single mother herself and that he respected her so much for her strength at raising him alone.

Then he reached over and kissed me. His lips were warm, his mouth wet and sweet. I melted right there, faster than my ice cream could keep up.

“Let me walk you to your car,” he offered.

“Okay,” I agreed.

“Do you have plans this weekend?” he asked me on the way.

“No, not yet.”

“I have tickets to the Long Beach Aquarium, would you like to go with me?”

“That sounds like fun, actually.”

Once we reached my vehicle, I opened my door and Rock leaned in one more time for a smooch. This time he whispered in my ear.

“We should do it right here, in the front seat.”

“What? No!”

“I’m just teasing you, Honey. Drive safe. I’ll see you Saturday.”

What a joker, that Rock!

I drove home in bliss.

That week I floated on clouds waiting for Saturday to hurry the hell up. As it turned out, I wasn’t damaged goods after all.  Hey, I was still attracting handsome and successful men. It even reminded me of a story that one of my co-workers had told me a few days prior. It was about her friend who had met an amazing man when she was pregnant with someone else’s baby and he married her anyway. I bet I was just like her friend! Maybe, I was going to be just as lucky as she was too!

Friday afternoon approached when I received a phone call from Rock.

“Hey, Beautiful. I think I’m going to come down tonight instead of in the morning. Would you mind? That way we can go straight to the aquarium tomorrow when we wake up and I can miss the morning traffic.”

I was a little surprised but also a little excited to have the early company. It sounded fine to me, after all he was driving a long way just to see me, I happily agreed.

My doorbell rang around eight o’clock that night and I let my handsome prince charming inside. I was living with family at the time and introduced them all to him before leading him into my bedroom to put down his things. He sat on the bed and took off his shoes.

“Would you like to watch a movie?” I asked.

“There’s actually a show I want to watch on HBO in about twenty minutes,” he said.

“Oh, I don’t have cable. I’m sorry.”

Rock looked at me shocked.

“What? I rushed here so I wouldn’t miss it. You really don’t have cable?” he asked, hoping I was joking.

I shook my head.

“Fucking wonderful. I guess you will have to take off your shirt then, to entertain me.”

I let out a nervous laugh.

“What movies do you have?”

“That stack right there,” I said pointing to a small shelf.

“Wow, these all look pretty bad. You have horrible taste in film,” he said with a grunt, handing me one of them to put on.

I did, pressed play and then took a seat next to him on my bed. He reached over and pulled me into him to snuggle. His body was warm and instantly I felt comforted.

Well for about two minutes at least, until I felt his hand up my shirt.

“Stop!” I shrieked, a bit surprised.

He took his hand away and we went back to watching the movie. A few minutes later he started kissing my neck. It felt good and put chills up my spine so I let him continue. He made his way to my lips and I kissed him back. After several minutes of making out he reached into my pants and I had to stop him again.

“Just relax, baby,” he said in an attempt to reassure me.

It failed, horribly.

“Look, we barely know each other, I’m pregnant. I really don’t feel comfortable doing this right now.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop,” he promised.

Even though Rock was nice and super hot, I wasn’t ready to be physical with anyone, especially with a growing baby inside of me. The thought of sex with him just felt awkward and shameful.

He let up and eventually I relaxed again, enough to fall asleep against him.

It was about two hours later when I awoke.

Rock was on top of me, he had his pants down and was pulling mine off while grinding on my thigh.

“No,” I grumbled.

“Shhhh,” he instructed.

“I really, don’t….”

“Listen, I came all the way out here for this. You are teasing me and being a rude hostess by doing so. Come on, why else would I have suggested staying the night? You knew my intentions all along, just relax.”

I tried to push him away but he was much stronger than me. Not wanting to wake my family and fearful of hurting my unborn baby, I gave in and let him enter me.

Okay, I let him try to enter me.

His penis was surprisingly small for such a tall man and barely grazed the opening of my vagina. Luckily it didn’t take him long to finish and within two minutes I was up and in the shower ridding myself of his disgusting spooge. The thought of what had just happened nauseated me, triggering my pregnancy sickness and I spent a good twenty minutes throwing up in the toilet.

When I was finally done, I crawled back into bed next to him, wedging a pillow between us and sleeping up against the wall. He didn’t awake and kept me up most the night with his loud snoring.

At 8 am I was startled out of my sleep by Rock’s pushing me.

“Hey, get up!” he ordered.

“Huh? What time is it?” I asked a bit confused.

“It’s 8 o’clock, we need to get going,” he instructed.

“But the aquarium doesn’t open until 9,” I argued.

“We will get breakfast first. I would like to go before your family wakes up, they make me uncomfortable.”

“My family, why?”

“Quit arguing with me, just get your ass out of bed,” he ordered.

Not wanting to piss him off, I did as I was told and readied myself as fast as I could. It still wasn’t quickly enough for him.

“Hurry up! I have plans this afternoon!”

“Well, why don’t you just go do them now, we can hit the aquarium another time,” I suggested.

“I’m not wasting these tickets! They expire on Monday and I won’t have time for another long trip out here before then. Seriously, the drive was excruciating for me.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

I followed Rock out and got into his car.

“I don’t know my way around this area, you will have to instruct me,” he said.

“Oh, I thought you would have gotten directions, I know the general area but not the exact..”

He cut me off, “Are you a twit? You live here and you don’t know how to get to the aquarium?”

“I know how to get downtown. Just get onto the freeway, it’s on the right,” I said pointing.

Rock entered the freeway, “What street do we exit on?”

“I’m not sure the name but I’ll point it out when we get close.”

“This isn’t a fucking game, Asterisk! I’m on a time schedule here,” he shouted.

Sensing my fear, he calmed down a bit and we drove in silence until I spotted the exit. We continued down a side street and Rock was a bit relieved when he saw the first sign marked “Aquarium of the Pacific.”

“Where are we eating?” I asked.

“Whats down here?”

I started naming places off the top of my head. Rocks annoyance grew.

“Just stop talking, you are giving me a migraine.”

I shut the hell up and let him decide. He parked in a lot and I followed him to the restaurant of his choice. It was closed.

“God damn it!” he screamed, “What is it with this town? Nothing is fucking opened, ever!”

“There’s a good breakfast place up here to the right.”

“I doubt you would know what good food is, nor do I believe you know where anything is actually located,” he spat. “Just follow me.”

Keeping my mouth shut, I did just that, until he found a restaurant that was open. It was a pizza diner and as it turned out they didn’t even serve breakfast. However, they did serve alcohol!

“I’d like a glass of your house wine,” I said to the server.

Rock looked over to me with an expression of disgust on his face. Hey, if I was going to endure this day alone with him, I needed a buffer, even if I was pregnant.

Once the server had left with our order, Rock looked over to me with his eyes squinted, “Thank God that isn’t my child in there.”

“Hey, don’t judge me! My doctor said one glass of wine was okay, ‘on occasion.’ Today gets to be that ‘occasion’.”

“You don’t look pregnant yet, so that’s not really the issue anyway! The problem is it’s 9 in the morning! You DO look like an alcoholic!”

“Whatever,” I mumbled, tossing back my cocktail as fast as I could. It didn’t really alter my state anyway. Damn!

I gobbled up my pasta salad in silence.

When the bill arrived, Rock handed it to me. I looked at him confused.

“You can get this one, I’m not paying for a pregnant woman’s wine,” he stated.

“Okay,” I said reaching for my wallet. Even though I wasn’t used to being expected to pay a bill on a date, I certainly wasn’t going to argue with him.

Once the bill was set, I followed him back outside and to the aquarium on foot. Rock took us in a circle and when I tried to point the issue out he became even more agitated. Not wanting to magnify the issue any further, I shut my trap. We did make it there eventually, just in time to join the huge crowd forming at the entrance.

“Fucking nothing in this town but Niggers and Spics,” he stated.

“Excuse me?”

“Minorities, everywhere! I wish I lived in the days of segregation. We should have our own damn line.”


“That’s not a fucking black baby in there, is it?” he asked me, pointing to my belly. “Shit, I should have asked you that before!”

“Uhhhh, no,” I mumbled out of fear, thankful it was also the truth.

The line moved fairly fast and I was more than grateful. Once inside I followed the crowd through the halls of ocean creatures.

“Stop right there!” Rock ordered, “Get back here!” he grabbed me by my hand. “Look at the octopus!”

Rock stopped right next to the glass. There were children crowding around and I tried to stay back to also allow them access to view the aquarium in front of me.

“I said, LOOK AT THE OCTOPUS!” he shouted.

I stopped and let him pull me to the prime viewing spot, quietly apologizing to the childrens parents.

“What’s wrong with you? We paid for our tickets too. We have just as much right to view the specimens as those bratty kids!”


When he had decided he had had his fill of the giant squid, he dragged me along to the next area.

“Can you slow down a bit, I’m a little swollen,” I asked.

“Keep moving!” he ordered.

Once again I complied.

Eventually we made it outside to the shark and stingray petting tanks. Families had gathered along the edges, holding their children by the water so they could feel a live aquatic animals.

“Pet the shark!” Rock ordered.

“I really don’t want put my hand in the water,” I argued.

“PET THE SHARK!” he demanded.

“Really, It’s okay.”


Heads of strangers had turned to stare at us. Reluctantly, I stuck my hand in the water to feel the slimy body of a tiny hammer head.

“Isn’t it neat?” he asked me, excitedly.

“It’s great,” I lied.

“You almost missed out on this! You should really learn how to listen.”


Once Rock had his fill of sharks he was ready to leave.


It was almost noon when we reached my house. He pulled up a good thirty feet away from my driveway. Leaning over from the drivers side, he pushed open the passenger door.

“I’m really in a hurry. I promised I’d help my neighbor move today,” he said, hinting that I exit immediately.

I jumped out as quickly as I could, never being happier to feel my feet hitting the pavement, slamming the door behind me.

“You’re welcome!” he screamed out his window as he drove away.

I flipped him the bird.


(Damn, do I appreciate my Sam!)


  1. I don’t know why you lasted more than five minutes with that guy, kept waiting for the part where you slapped the crap out of him. Great story


  2. Wow, I don’t even know what to say! I’m so sorry you had to endure such ignorance and disrespect, and I’m sorry he’s in such a place mentally that he feels he needs to treat people that way! I’m glad you’re safe and well!


  3. WOW. Someone needed a swift and STRONG kick right square in the nuts while simultaneously being punched right in the F-ing throat. And I am a passive person most days. Douchebags like that give the good guys such a bad rep. Spoiled, mannerless, entitled piece of shit. Glad you flipped him off. Too bad you didn’t take separate cars to the aquarium. Coulda ditched him. I am sure he woulda panicked and threw a tantrum until security came and asked him where his mommy was. LOL. Sorry you had the experience of meeting one of earth’s lowest creatures. Maybe the Octopus was a relative? Just sayin…………….


    1. LMAO! Thanks JMC! I’ve met some strange people in my lifetime for sure! ❤
      I never know how to react. I just try to be passive until it's all over! Then run screaming to my friends after.


      1. LOL. Well you just met another. But I am the good kinda strange. Harmless and just crazy enough to be a humorous curiosity. Love your blog. Keep Inspiring and making us laugh.

        John (JMC)


  4. I can’t get into these stories without knowing whether they are real or fiction. It kind of takes all the meaning out of them.

    You look trashy in that picture but somehow still good. That’s a complement. You still look good even when you look trashy. That’s a difficult move to pull off, you know.


  5. Total douchecanoe… glad your judgement has improved, I was just reading about the time you smashed your junk on the wrought iron fence, had to go to the hospital, and then some jerk tried to feel you up. And the leprechaun story OMG… horrible but I laugh my ass off anyway. 🙂 hope all is well!


  6. I’d really like to hive this guy a high five… to the face… with a brick. You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman… any man is lucky to have you put up with him. May your future endeavours make you happier… and me less violent.


  7. Wow! I read those other comments and I seriously can’t believe it! Those mother effers are almost a big a douchebag as the douchebag in the story!


  8. There is no moment of this post where I don’t want to punch this guy in the face or knee him in the balls. I don’t think your family would have minded being woken up. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m glad you were strong enough to give this situation the finger!


  9. Well darn! Guy’s a schmuck but I love the humor hindsight allows. Story well told and no I told you so. My second wife was a bipolar, manic depressive so who am I to lecture? Enjoyed this very much.


What do YOU have to say about this? Comment here!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.