Okay, okay. I left off last time with a kiss in Danny’s driveway. That’s not really how the night ended. Actually, I DID go into Danny’s house that night…..
“You drove a long way just for a cup of coffee, would you like to come in for a glass of wine?” Dan-Dan asked me.
“HELL YA!” I wanted to shout, but I refrained from looking too much like a giant slut. “Sure, I can come in for a little bit.”
I followed my studded belt sporting stud muffin through his front door. His house was large and immaculate. Glancing around and not paying much attention to where I was going, I bumped into something large that quickly pulled me out of my awe. It was a man, a really fat man.
“Excuse me!” I said felling a bit embarrassed.
Both Danny and the bulging belly guy laughed.
“Dad, this is Asterisk.”
I reached out my hand but the man just grunted and nodded before waddling his way into a back room.
I secretly began to hope that genetics would be tricky in this situation too!
“Would you like a glass of merlot?” Devil D. asked me.
Even though I really wanted one, I had to pretend that I was not an alcoholic, so I declined.
I continued to follow D through the kitchen and up a flight of curving stairs and into his bedroom. He had a flippin spiral staircase in his house!
I entered Danny’s room and once again, I was “struck” with awe.
(See what I did there?)
The room was filled with clocks, almost every type one could imagine. There were digital clocks, wooden clocks and plastic clocks.
Clocks covering the walls.
Clocks perched on book shelves, the dresser and even a few on the bed frame.
Some were lit up, a few were blinking.
Each of them telling a different time, yet none of them telling the exact time.
*there was NOT a coo-coo clock, though that reference would fit this story pretty well. Moving on…
Danny noted my confusion and immediately offered up an explanation, “I have a hard time waking up,” he said, simply.
“I’ll say,” I eventually whispered.
“It was becoming a problem, making it to work on time. Now I get so annoyed with all the noise I can actually force myself out of bed.”
Danny then reached under his mattress and pulled out a photo album. He began showing me pictures of himself and loved ones from his past. I was actually touched by his openness.
Roughly a half an hour later, I reluctantly explained that I had to get going. Danny walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye.
Before I left he invited me to his famous salon the following weekend. He explained that they were throwing a free class on the latest extension technique and promised that it would be amazing. He even told me I could invite my co-workers. I told him that Patty would be the most excited because she had been chasing fame ever since she learned that her mom had posed for Playboy magazine.
Was this true love or what?!?!
The next day I dressed in a black velvet dress, fishnet stockings and 6 inch platform boots, making sure my eyes were smeared with black eyeliner almost as thick a that of a football player. I hopped in my car and made my way through the horrid LA traffic to my pathetic little salon job. The three hours of sitting on the 405
freeway parking lot didn’t even get me down. I was in love and couldn’t wait to tell the girls at work about it. Plus I was going to extend the invite to the extension class in his luxe salon. They were going to freak out!
I barely made it inside the door before Carla pounced on me.
“Asterisk! I need this phone returned to Best Buy! I found a better one!” she exclaimed handing me the VERY USED handset.
“I don’t think I can return this, I mean it’s obviously been used and…”
She cut me off, “Oh, they take back everything. Besides it wasn’t what I wanted. Tell them the microphone is broken or something.”
Reluctantly, I grabbed the dirty phone and crumpled receipt she had thrown in a grocery store bag and made my way back out the car.
More traffic…WAHOO! <——sarcasm
Once I arrived at the store, I parked and grabbed the bag with the phone inside, before making my way around the building to the front entrance. Just as I turned the corner I stopped dead in my tracks. There was a line formed already, making it’s way out the doors and along one side of the building.
I shrugged it off, assuming that there must have been a DVD release or something like that going on. Surely I wouldn’t need to wait in line for a simple return. I walked past the hordes of people towards the entrance.
“Excuse me,” I said attempting to make my way through the front door. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was an armed guard.
“You will have to go to the back of the line and wait like everyone else,” the man said.
“Oh, no, no. I’m just here for a return,” I explained.
“That’s the line,” the man pointed out.
What the hell?
“For a return?” I asked, beginning to get annoyed.
This day was starting to suck already. Damn Carla and her petty requests. It was another sunny day in LA and once again I was stuck out in the hot sun. It was beating down on me, making me sweat and scorching my pasty white goth girl skin. By the time I made it to the front of the line I had been out there for over an hour. My shoulders were bright red and I could feel the sting of a sun burn over my chest and cleavage.
I let out a sigh of relief when I was finally second in line. Just as I was making my way to the counter it happened.
“STORE CLOSED!” I heard the security guard shout out. I looked at my watch, it was only 2:00pm.
“What? Is this a joke?” I screamed into the crowd.
“Store closes early on Saturday!” the guard sputtered.
Seriously? I couldn’t believe it. I stomped back to the car feeling defeated, knowing Carla would not be happy about this. That hooked nose slave driver would have me back here bright and early on Monday morning, I just knew it.
I eventually made it back to the salon after stopping at a little Mexican eatery. I had ordered two giant bean and cheese burritos and chowed them down in car as fast as I could. I knew it wouldn’t take long for them to hit my digestive track and I figured today I would seek my revenge upon Carla with chemical warfare.
That’s right! Cheap Mexican food farts!
As expected Carla was pissed about the phone but I didn’t care. I was excited to finally tell the girls about the class. They were almost as ecstatic as I was over hearing the news. Of course, I was more enthused about the possibility of being laid by satanic man candy, Devil Danny! Plus I wanted to show him off.
That afternoon as expected, I was bloated and gassy. I left one in Carla’s makeup room just before her appointment came in. I laughed to myself as I saw her run out of there in search of a can of aerosol freshener. Then, knowing her routine, I blew up the bathroom just seconds before she finished up. I don’t even know how managed to contain my laughter as I watched her take her make-up supplies to the sink inside.
Teach that bitch to send me on pointless, non-paid errands.
The day of the class I met up with the girls at the salon. Patty had offered to drive us in her new car. Dion was tagging along as well. The three of us made our way to the parking lot, Patty in the lead.
“I can’t wait to show you guys my new car! I got such a steal on it! Actually, I bought two, we bought two!” Patty exclaimed, “My boyfriend and I, we just loved them so much!”
Once we made it outside, Patty led us to an itty-bitty two door Geo Metro. I looked over at Patty, silently assessing the situation. That bitch must have weighed a solid 400 lbs at 5 foot 2 inches. I was pretty sure the car didn’t even weigh that. Trying my best to hide my giggles, I crawled into the back seat. Dion got into the passenger. I figured I had better sit behind Dion because I was scared to throw the weight off balance and the car would tip. It took Patty a good few minutes to stuff herself inside the mini vehicle. Her boyfriend was just as big as she was. I wondered if their purchases were some form of masochistic self punishment; sex shit.
We hit the freeway and then sat in traffic per usual. After a good hour of stop and go bullshit we were finally moving. I watched out the window as we made our way into Beverly Hills. It looked just like it did on TV. Everything was huge and glittery. Once we had arrived to the address, we realized that we were at a famous hotel. Patty drove her go cart into the valet area and the three of us exited the vehicle. Following the signs, we made our way into an elevator and I pushed the button to the top floor. The elevator dinged and the door opened. We emerged into one of the most fabulous salons I had ever seen.
My price of darkness was there awaiting our arrival.
After a warm hug, he led us inside and over to a secluded hair station. The celebrity stylist Danny assisted for was already there working on his famous client. He introduced us to both and we took seats around them to watch the master at work. After about an hour, the stylist took a bathroom break while Devil Danny walked us girls out for a cigarette.
As we were approaching the patio DD whispered in my ear, “I thought you said that Patty’s mom was a playboy bunny!”
“She was!” I exclaimed.
“Those are some cruel genetics!”
I tried my best not to piss myself laughing.
Our class ended a few hours later. Danny promised to take me out on our next date that following Friday. I may have been dating the devil but I felt like I was floating on clouds.
We made it back down to valet to retrieve Patty’s toy car. Once we were buckled in and leaving the hotel, Dion reached her head into the backseat.
I know Devil Danny!
“What?” I asked, taken aback, “How?”
“He’s dating my friend, Sara. You know her, the girl with the bad acne,” she confessed.
“Wait, what? How? They must have broken up,” I assured her.
“Nope. I talked to her last night. Danny is a player, Asterisk. They have an ‘open relationship.’ Danny thinks he’s hot shit. He thinks he’s a rock star.” Dion insisted.
“Yup. They have been together since high school. I don’t know why she puts up with his shit.”
“He didn’t seem to recognize you. maybe you have the wrong guy,” I said out of hope.
“Ha! You don’t forget a name like ‘Devil Danny!’ how many stupid guys do you think call themselves that?”
“But he’s soooooo hot!” I shouted.
“Ewwww! He’s a sleaze, Asterisk! You can do much better, trust me. Anyway, that was a really great class. Lets stop at the beauty wholesale and pick up some supplies right now, I want to try that technique out!” she said changing the subject.
The rest of the drive was a blur. Here I had thought that I met my soul mate and then BAM! My dreams were crushed in the blink of an eye.
Danny called me that night to ask how I liked the class. I decided to ask him straight out what was going on.
“Dion says she knows you. She told me your girlfriend is her friend, Sara.”
Satan was silent.
“Yes. Sara is my girlfriend.”
“I don’t understand! Then why are you trying to date me?” I questioned.
“I really like you. Sara and I have been together since high school, it’s old and routine. We have mutually decided to have an open relationship. You know, to see if we are really meant to be together or not. I like you a lot Asterisk, I want to be honest with you and I hope this doesn’t affect what we have or what we could have.”
Okay, wait a second. I know what you are thinking and I know that you are probably right but you have to understand, Danny and I connected, it was almost spiritual! Here he was being open and honest with me. I had to give it a go. Plus I was way hotter than Sara, my skin was flawless (before the sun burn anyway). There was no way Devil Danny wouldn’t see that!
I’m amazing in all ways!
Friday night Danny showed up right on time. He was dressed to kill…but so was I! I stomped my little skank legs out the door and hopped into his jeep. He was whisking me off to the Viper Room to see one of his favorite bands play. Once we arrived to the venue, we paid way too much to park before making our way down the sidewalk to the front entrance. Just as we were about to go in, Danny stopped me.
“Can you hang on a second?” he asked already approaching a man wearing torn jeans and mini dreadlocks.
I let out a sigh and then waited alone a few steps behind him, glancing at my watch. I was already starting to get annoyed a few moments later, when I walked up to the two of them.
“Hey, Danny. Can we go in now, I want to grab a drink,” I announced.
He gave me an awkward glance, “In just a second,” he whispered.
“I’ll just meet you inside,” I said as I left him standing there, noticing that he didn’t even bother to look my way as I left.
Who was he to treat me like this on a date? I made my way up to the bar and ordered. A cute guy to the left of me smiled before reaching his hand out to pay for my cocktail. I was still fuming from the whole “girl friend” thing. Being ignored was adding to my anger so I figured if open dating was what Danny wanted I’d give him a taste of his own medicine by flirting with this dude.
Just as our conversation was getting good Dan-Dan walked in and approached me at the bar, glaring at my new friend. Not wanting a fight, the guy threw his arms up in defeat and left me with my date.
“What was that about?” Danny asked me.
“I wanted a drink,” I said.
“You know who that was, don’t you?”
“Nope,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“That was Tommy Lee. I have been trying to get a hold of him all week. He’s supposed to be helping my band produce our next album,” he bragged.
“Cool,” I said leaving the bar. Devil Danny followed me, grabbing my hand and I let him take it.
The rest of the evening surprisingly turned out to be blast, we danced, we drank and then I took my devil rocker home to rock his boat. Once back to my house, I changed into one of my Bimbo’s Clown Hole costumes and put on a little show for my new guy.
“That’ really hot!” he said.
“Yah? Am I turning you on?”
“Hell yes you are! I love that bikini too! Where did you get it?” he asked me.
I thought it was a little odd he was that into fashion, but he was a hair stylist in training after all.
“I bought it from one of the girls I work with, she’s an upcoming fashion designer.”
“Who? Don’t tell me Patty!” he said with a grin almost as enormous as is growing erection.
“Haha!” I laughed, “No! From my other job.”
“What’s your other job?”
“I dance burlesque, at Bimbo’s,” I said.
“Bimbo’s Clown Hole?”
“No way! I love that place, but you are a bit too hot to work there.”
“I know,” I said, “It’s just until I build my clientele in the salon.”
“Get me a Bimbo’s t-shirt. I’ve always wanted one from there.”
“Okay,” I promised.
Danny grabbed me by my hair and pulled me towards him. He put his mouth to mine and I could feel the heat from his breath. He teased my lips by brushing his against them and then licked my neck. Scratching me with his teeth, he turned the lick into more of a nibble. The sensation made my nipples hard and my girl parts quiver.
I wanted this chunk of man meat and was ready to feel what was underneath his leather pants, inside me. Deep inside me.
I reached for his studded belt and unlatched it, pulling his pants down past his ankles. He kicked them off and then tugged away the tiny bit of material covering my breasts. Once they were exposed he cupped them in his hands stroking my nipples with his thumbs. The sensation made my fluids run, soaking my panties. I could feel the moisture graze my thigh as he tugged them off of me…..ever so slowly.
Pushing my down onto my back, he rolled on top of me and then he entered me.
Actually looking back, I’m really not sure if he ever did at all. Instead he started bouncing up and down as fast as he could kinda like a game of paddle ball, or like hands clapping in a studio audience.
You see, Satan lost his erection.
He spent the next ten minutes fighting to get it back to no avail. Eventually he gave up and rolled over onto his back.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.
“It’s cool, not a big deal. Don’t worry about it,” I lied.
“It’s just that I really like you a lot. I mean last week I went out on a date with gorgeous a runway model. Seriously, the girl was every mans dream. I didn’t go for it though. Actually, I rejected her. I turned that bitch down and made her cry.”
Sure ya did Danny-O! <—— what I was thinking
“I bet you can have any girl you want, Stud,” I said, stroking his ego. Probably I should have spent some more time stroking his noodle instead but I was over it at that point.
“I need to get going. Let’s go out again next Saturday,” he offered.
“Sure…I’ll call you,” I lied.
Danny got up and put his metal gear back on. I walked him out his car and right before he leaned in to kiss me goodnight he said, “Do you think you can pick up another one of those bikini’s you were wearing from your friend, for Sara?”
Yup! He REALLY said that to me.
I wish I could say that I punched him in his face and never saw him again but that would be a lie. I went out with him a few more times after that, I even bought him that t-shirt. I didnt get that oily hooch Sara the bikini though.
He re-payed me with a burned copy of his CD, NOT produced by Tommy Lee.
The day after I finally dumped him, I met him at a friends house who lived down the block from me, to pick up some things I had loaned him. He introduced me to his friend as the “dumb slut” who worked at Bimbo’s.
I never heard from him again.
Go shopping now at http://www.vapesofwrath.com
Ha ha you had me rolling on the floor with the cheap mexican farts food. And that in the net stockings one false wet fart and we got a race going down the legs.
And seriously erection probs. with that on the picture underneath you. velvet dress velvet skin velvet lips.. devil danny turned out to be wimpy
Thanks for the smiles. Keep smiling
HAHAHA! They’re is no vengeance like that of the bean!
Oh crap! A hilarious read. Your humor is outstanding!
<— I like what you did right there! HAHAHA
OMG I was dying laughing all through this. I love it! Reminds me of some guys I’ve dated…minus the musician occupation. Awesome story!
AHAHAHAHAHA! Thanks Redanyaleigh! Sorry to hear about your shitty saying past but SOOO glad to know I’m not alone!!
one thing though….why do we keep trying to stroke their ego when their inconvenient ED strikes? Like we suddenly think compliments will bring their usually insignificant boner back? Why are we programmed to be so effing supportive? I do it, too, and later I’m thinking, “well shit. I should have just walked out, because he’s still an asshole.”
Oh how different our lives could have been had we just walked away!x
Wow. I mean. Wow. That is. There needs to be a stronger word than ‘douche’ … especially because douche at least makes you cleaner. Just reading about this cocktard made me feel gross. Should have dumped him straight into a garbage can when you found out about Sara. I love your writing though. Keep it up! Because he never will! 😉
“Douche makes you cleaner!” HAHAHA! Love it! .
I just wish you’d had some cheap Mexican food before your date with DD.
Haha! Ya, no kidding!
Lessons for next time, even.
damn……I was just as excited as you were when this story began… it ended with such dissappointment! I practically left for work almost as pissed off as you were at the anti-climax! LOL. It was fun to read though 🙂 I must say, I just discovered your blog. I’ve only read three blogs, but so far, I’m loving it. thanks!
Hahaha! Thank you Joey!