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It was almost seven in the morning when I was awakened by the creaking of the floor boards.

Eh-eeh…eh-eeh…eh-eeh…

I opened one eye just enough to see Sam enter the bedroom.

He looked like a caveman who spent the night out in an electrical storm. His hair and beard were dripping with sweat, yet oddly enough, they were both still the size of Diana Ross’ 70’s afro.

I gave him the look of death with my left eye before releasing an annoyed grunt and pulling the blanket over my head.

“I was watching a movie and the next thing I know, I wake up sitting on the couch and the suns shining in my face,” he explained.

He plopped down on the bed and before I could even reply, he was snoring like a locomotive.

Great!

So much for my last hour of sleep. I debated going for a morning run. However, fat and lazy has taken over my life recently.

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Boom….boom…boom…

“Mom! It’s 7:15! We need to get up!” my son yelled.

“Not today! We dont have to get up until 8:00. Go watch TV and have some cereal or something.”

“Okay!” he agreed.

I threw the pillow over my head and tried to wish myself back to sleep in vain.

Forty five minutes later I gave up and pulled myself out of bed. I readied my son, PJ, for school and loaded him into the car. Once we were on the road it dawned on me what day it was!

“Hey PJ,” I said.

“Yah, mom?”

“Guess what?” I asked him.

“What?”

“Mommy and Sam are going to have a baby.”

I turned around to see his little face light up with excitement.

“Really?” he asked me.

“NO! APRIL FOOLS! HA HA HA HA!”

His smile quickly turned into a look of disappointment. I began to perk up.

“So, you aren’t having a baby?” he asked.

“No. But hey! Guess what!”

“What he asked?”

“After school, we are going to get a new puppy!” I lied.

“Oh my God! A puppy?”

“APRIL FOOLS!” I shouted.

One again I watched his smile fade and his joy disappear. I had never fooled anyone this easily before on April Fools Day! Who knew that six year olds could be so fun to torment?

“Oh shoot!” I shouted after a few minutes of silence. “I almost forgot!”

“What Mommy?” my son asked me.

“There’s no school today! It’s a teacher’s holiday.”

“YAY!” PJ shouted from the back seat.

“APRIL FOOLS!”

“SHIT FOOLS!” he screamed at me. My son had all he could handle. He was getting angry and punched the back of my seat in protest.

I was laughing so hard, that tears had begun streaming down my face. I debated disciplining my little guy but figured he had more than earned the one-time use of profanity.

We approached the school, and I stopped in the front to let him out of the car as usual. Just as he was about to open the door, I looked back at him, grabbed his hand and with as much restraint as I could, gave him a solemn stare.

“Honey, I forgot to tell you that last night, Nana died.”

“April fools!” he screamed at me.

Awww my little guy was learning!

“That’s right! Now get to class and tell your friend Johnny that he’s in big trouble and has to go to the principal’s office immediately!” I ordered.

“Okay!” he agreed, with a an evil giggle.

When I got back to the house, I told Sam about what I had done. I mentioned that I was going to tell PJ that I was giving him to the orphanage when I picked him up later that afternoon. Sam told me not to, he said I was really mean and going too far.

Sam needed to lighten up.

That evening, Sam, his daughter Bell, PJ, and I, all drove out to an early dinner at the kids favorite place, The Peanut Factory. We didn’t tell them where we were going though, it was a surprise.

On the way, I asked PJ if he was able to trick Johnny.

“No. But my teacher tricked all of us!”

“She did? How?” I asked a bit curious.

“Yep! She told the class that we couldn’t go out to recess, we had to stay in and do math!”

“AHAHAHAHAHA!” Sam and I began simultaneously roaring in laughter.

“Then she wrote on the chalkboard, ‘April Fools’!”

“See Sam? Even his teacher thinks it’s funny! You can stop judging me now!”

“What’s ape-rail-ewel’s?” Bell asked.

Just then, both kids spotted the restaurant.

“Yay! The peanut Factory!” PJ screamed.

“Awesome!” Bell added.

I nudged Sam.

“Keep driving right past it,” I whispered.

He did.

Both kids looked on in horror as we continued past their favorite place.

“Awwwww.” I heard one of them say.

Sam and I both looked back, “APRIL FOOLS!”

Once we were seated and the kids were occupied, I looked over to Sam to start our dinner conversation.

“I know what I need to write about this week,” I stated.

“Oh, yah?” he asked, giving me one raised eyebrow.

“Yup. ‘Jesus was really a narcissistic sociopath’,” I divulged.

“As long as it’s not about me being an ‘asexual’.”

“We have had too much sex for you to really be an asexual,” I stated.

“I see that you are back to the denial phase.”

Just as I was issuing a murderous glare his way, he sneezed. Bits of chewed up peanuts sprang out and made a nice slimey home in his beard.

I was starting to feel momentarily asexual.

 We eventually made it back home. After pulling up to the house, Sam decided to put on the “It’s a Hard Knock Life” song, you know, from the musical, Annie.

Finally, Sam was getting my humor.

I told PJ he could refer to me only as, “Ms. Five” now, instead of “Mommy” since I was giving him up for adoption.

PJ didn’t seem too upset about it, actually he was pretty excited.

You know, until I eventually had to say, “April Fools!”

Anyway, I joined the kids in the back yard running in circles for a few minutes before it dawned on me that I could really use some legit exercise.

Sam agreed and handled “bed time” with the chit-lins as so I could get in a much needed run.

I pulled this 1 1/2 year old picture out from the ol archives to use as motivation……….. and I was off!

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I’ll get my body back and look like this again just in time for summer!

……or bust!

 

 

11 thoughts on “April Full

  1. I told my friend I got caught peeing in the pool. Yeah right he said, April Fools. No I said, the lifeguard yelled at me so loud I almost fell in.

  2. Pingback: Fuck you! And here are some tits… | It's not my fault.

  3. Pingback: Shoulder Humped | It's not my fault.

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