Nova Gina’s Wieners
It was somewhere in the midst of a triple digit degree summer in Las Vegas, in the year 2002, that this story unfolds. I was shacked up with my boyfriend Pepe and our girlfriend Lady at the time, participating in some rebound dating/sister-wife livin’. I woke up in between my two lovers to the sound of my phone ringing.
“Who’s fucking phone is that?” Pepe shouted loud enough to wake up Lady.
“Huh?” she mumbled.
“I told you to turn your god damned ringer off bitch!” Pepe continued.
“I did, Pepe,” she confirmed in a soothing tone. “Honey, don’t be mad. It’s Asterisk’s. She didn’t know how upset it makes you to be woken up by the phone.”
“Oh, is it yours?” he asked me, his voice softening.
“Yes, I’m sorry!” I said, running over to answer it. Once it was in my hand I high tailed it out of the bedroom and shut the door, secretly flipping Pepe off behind it.
The caller ID said it was my friend Corey.
“Hey Corey.” I said in an annoyed tone.
“What’s up Asterisk? You don’t sound too chipper today,” he said sarcastically.
“Sorry. The phone woke up Pepe and he’s acting like a jerk.”
“I told you already what I think of that guy. Get away from him.”
“I know, I know. It’s just, I really like Lady, and the whole package deal thing.”
“Asterisk, you aren’t a lesbian,” Corey reminded me.
“Maybe I am, Corey!”
He let out a chuckle. “Listen, I didn’t call to fight with you. There’s a huge event down at the club tonight. They are having me work the front door, I can get you and Lady in for free and probably a couple of drink tickets if you girls wanted to come by.”
“And Pepe?” I asked.
“Sure, why not. Pepe can come too. You think he will want to hang out a gay club? On second thought, maybe that’s all the three of you need anyway, a drag queen thrown into the dysfunctional mix!” Corey started laughing so hard that he was snorting.
“Asshole,” I mumbled. “What type of event is happening tonight anyway?”
“You don’t know?” he asked me.
“Really? Like I pay attention to what happens at gay bars?”
“You are gay now, right?”
“Grrrr!” I was becoming frustrated and was about to hang up mid conversation when Corey caught on.
“Okay, okay. I’ll stop harassing you. Tonight Nova Gina is performing.”
There was a few seconds of silence before Corey continued.
“Nova Gina is a world-famous drag performer. She sings Cher songs and performs magic tricks. She’s a headlining act, well she and her disappearing dachshunds,” he finished.
“Wait, dachshunds? Like wiener dogs?! SHE MAKES WIENER DOGS DISAPPEAR IN HER ASSHOLE? Is that even legal?”
“What’s wrong with you? Oh my God! No, not in her asshole, Asterisk. Jesus! Disappear, as in real magic.”
I was laughing so hard I had to drop my phone and run into the bathroom in fear my morning pee would unleash itself onto Pepe’s cigarette burned carpeting.
After a quick flush and rinse of my hands, I exited the bathroom, bumping into Lady.
“Sorry,” I apologized.
“I’m fine hun, what was all that laughing about?”
“That was Corey, he invited us out to the Oozing Blister tonight, he can get us in free. Booze included,” I bragged.
“Oh, a night out sounds like a blast but I don’t think Pepe will be up for that. I’d suggest we go without him but you know how jealous he has been getting over us lately.”
“Up for what?” Pepe whined from down the hall.
“The Oozing Blister Bar!” Lady shouted back.
“Oozing blister? Isn’t that the AIDS infested homo hole down town? Fuck no! I’m not going to that shit hole just to have some faggot feel up on me. You two can go, have fun. I want to write some music tonight anyway. At least I know you are safe. I mean no scumbags will hit on you in that place.”
Lady and I spent the better half of the evening whoring ourselves up. Hey, it was a night out without our usual asshole chaperone and we were going to make the most of it. Plus this was a drag bar after all. We had serious queen competition when it came to our outfits. I teased my hair higher than a hippy at Grateful Dead show, and helped Lady do hers the same. I drew myself on a new pair of fire engine red lips roughly a quarter of an inch higher than my own were naturally. I dug out a pair of black feather and rhinestone encrusted false eyelashes and pasted them down onto my lids. I discovered a forgotten purple pair and handed them over to Lady.
Even though it was 2002, Lady was still stuck in 1994 and insisted on wearing her favorite pointy toe’d, laced up granny boots with scuff marks. I tried to convince her to wear a pair of my eight inch stripper heels but it was a no-go.
“I can’t wear those Asterisk! I’ll fall!”
“Stop being a pussy! If you start to feel wobbly, just do what I do and grab on to a stranger. Trust me, they won’t mind,” I promised.
Pepe had overheard our conversation. “What? That’s what you do when we are out in public together? No wonder those sick mother fuckers are always thinking they can hit on you! You literally throw yourself at them!”
“She’s kidding!” Lady came to my defense, giving me a look warning me to shut my trap.
I caught the hint.
“Kidding Pepe!” I lied.
“You fucking better be! I don’t date fucking cheap whores! That’s a dirty thing to do. You need to have respect for yourself but more importantly, respect for me,” he ordered before leaving the room.
I grabbed a few beers from the fridge and we were off. Once inside Lady’s van, she turned on the radio and lit up a joint. Within minutes we had reached our destination.
Once parked we stepped out of the van and onto the curb. Right away I lost my balance, saving myself in time by grabbing the car door.
“Be careful Asterisk! Seriously! That’s why I don’t wear those things,” she lectured.
I rolled my eyes without her noticing.
Hand in hand we reached the entrance and right away I spotted Corey.
“They are with me!” he shouted to the man checking ID. Without hesitation or having to show legal proof of our age he stamped each of our hands. Corey met us inside and handed me a stack of drink tickets.
“Sweet!” I shouted, reaching in to give him a hug. I tipped over a little into his embrace, but he caught me before I took a fall.
Lady noticed and gave me a stern reprimand with her eyes.
The venue was packed and the dance floor was covered with sweaty shirtless men dirty dancing. There were a couple in bondage gear crotch grinding to my left. I let out a snicker when I saw them, right before we approached the bar.
“Hi ladies!” the muscle clad bartender welcomed us. “What can I get you to drink? Our special this evening is the Cock Sucking cowboy!”
“Oh my God! That’s hilarious! What’s in it?” I asked.
“Bailey’s and Butterscotch Schnapps,” the bartender lisped in response.
“That’s a Buttery Nipple!” Lady corrected.
“Not in this bar honey!”
We all three laughed.
“Let’s do it!” I shouted.
“With a beer back,” Lady interjected.
“Would you like a long neck?” he teased.
“But of course!” Lady replied.
We had only been there a few minutes but already I was having a blast.
“Swing back by soon, Asterisk!” the bartender shouted.
I nodded and then looked to Lady a bit confused.
“Do you know him?” she asked me.
“No. That was strange he knew my name.”
“I bet Corey told him who you were earlier,” Lady suggested.
I agreed, that made perfect sense to me.
After downing our drinks we hit the dance floor. I was already loving this place! The men were so nice, everyone treated me like they already knew me and none of them even hit on me once.
The music slowed down and Lady and I seized the opportunity to head back to the bar and load up on more free booze.
“Hey ya, Asterisk!” a strange voice echoed from behind me. I turned around to see a man I didn’t recognise giving me the “Miss America wave.” I smiled in return as we continued to our destination.
Once back to the bar we ordered more shots as a group of men gathered around us.
“You are so beautiful Miss Asterisk Five. Oh, I wish I looked like you!” one of them exclaimed.
“Thank you,” I mumbled.
This was starting to get weird. What did Corey do? Pass my picture around and tell everyone I was his girlfriend? I bet he did this on a regular basis. Plus he even told them my last name! Who does that? What a creep. I was going to tell him off for this but not until tomorrow or at least not until we ran out of drink tickets.
I put myself in check as soon as I saw him walking in our direction.
“I’m on a break. You girls having a good time?”
“Yes,” I replied with a fake smile.
“It’ great to get a night out of the house, without Pepe,” Lady admitted.
Just then the club went silent. The bartender handed me a round of shots and pointed to a group of men across the bar. I figured I could accept liquor from strange men since they were gay.
A voice began radiating through the sound system.
“Hi y’all! I’m so excited to announce tonight’s events! As you know, the amazing Madam of magic, Nova Gina is here with her disappearing dachshunds!”
There was a large round of applause.
“But first I am here to host our weekly strip competition! Out with the poles!”
The crowd was going nuts (pun intended) and Lady and I joined in screaming as loud as we could.
“Me! ME! MEEEE MEEE!!” I screamed raising my hand. The liquid courage had kicked in just enough. I thought this was the funniest thing ever. After all, the last thing these dudes wanted to see was a naked girl.
“Come on up Asterisk Five!” the announcer shouted.
“REALLY?” I asked half to myself, half to Lady.
The announcer heard me, “Really girlfriend! Get your fine ass onto that pole!”
“Even the announcer knows me, Lady! I’m like a gay bar celebrity now!”
I took off in a mad dash. My giant heels hitting the concrete.
CLANK CLANK CLANK
Before I even knew what was happening, I lost my balance near the side of the stage and fell, crashing into something warm and soft.
A loud howl erupted through the venue.
That’s when realized it.
I was laying right smack in the middle of Nova Gina’s dachshunds!
“I’ve never seen a girl fall so hard for a weiner in all my life!” the announcer quipped and everybody began laughing at me but I didn’t care. I was fabulous.
One of Nova’s trainers came to the aid of the pups. Once he was sure they had survived my accidental attack, he ushered me back onto the stage. Already on the pole next to mine was a buffed out beef cake in a cowboy hat.
Madonna began blasting through the speakers.
I secured my footing with the pole behind me, resting in my ass crack around it and began gyrating everything. I kept my eye on my competition and worked my body twice as hard as he did. I pulled off my tiny dress and began swinging it over my head. I pulled my bra straps down onto my shoulders, then turned around with my pale butt in the air and started to pull down my panties just as the music stopped.
“That’s enough!” the announcer warned. “Please exit to your left. Let’s bring up our next two pole dancers!”
What the hell? Why even host a strip contest if stripping wasn’t the objective? Douche. In a huff I slid off the stage, grabbed my dress and clunked my way back over to where Lady was seated at the bar.
“You were great!” she said.
“Whatever. I need another drink,” I complained.
“All participants get to drink on the house for an hour!” my now favorite bartender of all time alerted me.
“Keep em’ comin’!” I shouted.
“I usually do!” he admitted.
I didn’t pay much attention to my competitors who hit the pole after I did, so I was quite surprised when they announced the winners. As it turned out I came in second place! Not bad for having a twat! I was awarded a bag of treats. Inside was a female condom, dental dam and a lollipop shaped like a penis.
“Wow. I guess they must always give second place to the fag hag, huh?” Lady asked me after observing my prizes.
I gave Lady the death stare. Who the hell did this bitch think she was taking away all my hard-earned self-esteem?
“I have to pee,” I stated getting up to use the bathroom. Lady followed me from behind.
I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw it.
It was me.
Well, if I was a man. My shoes, my hair, my dress. Everything down to my giant stripper pumps. That bitch even had on my feathered lashes.
Then he turned around and we made eye contact. That’s when I realized it.
“Danny,” I whispered to myself in disbelief.
It was my god damned ex boyfriend, Devil Danny! Why was he here? He lived in LA and more importantly WHY WAS HE DRESSED UP LIKE ME?
I wasn’t a homosexual celebrity after all.
Danny had stolen my identity.
Lady tugged on my purse, “Do you know this guy…uh..girl?”
Danny didn’t bother to say hello. As fast as he had appeared, he disappeared into the crowd.
“Good thing Pepe isn’t here, he would have killed that dude! Please, promise me you won’t tell him about this,” Lady begged.
Tears began streaming down my face.
“Everyone thinks I’m him! They think I’m a man!”
“Honey, I know this sounds cliché, but imitation really is the highest form of flattery. You should be honored,” Lady tried to console me.
Like a manic-depressive given a xanax, my mood suddenly changed.
My face lit up and hysterical laughter ensued.
I mean come on, once the shock had worn off, this was probably one of the funniest things I had even encountered.
We went back to the bar and made fun of Danny for a good hour. I told Lady all about the time Danny couldn’t get up.
After this, everything made a little more sense.
The next thing I knew, the lights were being turned, on, the club was closing, and we had completely forgotten to watch Nova Gina’s act.
We were both shit faced as we made our out way out to the car, pausing only for a few seconds to say our goodbyes to Corey.
Once outside, I spotted the Madam Nova in all her glammed out glory. She was magnificent close up. Perfect skin and a floor length sequined gown. Her giant red wig shimmered in the moon light.
“I’ve got talk to her!”
“What?” Lady asked me, a bit taken aback.
“Nova is the queen. She has all the answers!”
“The answers…to what?”
I ignored Lady and stomped my drunken wobbly ass over to the queen.
“Madame Nova!” I shouted. “I need to ask you something important!”
She turned my way, already looking annoyed to be interrupted from her conversation.
“Why is it,” I slurred, “Why is it exactly that I am attracted to drag queens?”
“I don’t know,” she nobly replied, returning to her conversation.
“NOVA! NOVA! Listen to me! Why the hell do I have to be attracted to lying as sons of bitches who only date me because they want to be me?”
Lady was behind me pulling my arm, “Asterisk, let’s go.”
“NO! NO! I don’t want to go! I need answers! The queen owes me answers! NOVA! What am I? What the hell is a woman who dates drag queens called? Is there a term for this? This is not the description of a ‘fag hag’, Nova! NOVAAAAAA”
Just then Corey came rushing out of the venue.
“Asterisk, it’s time to go!” he demanded.
Lady started pulling me towards the car.
“NOOOOO!!! NOVA!!! NOVA!!!”
“That’s the drunk bitch who almost killed your dogs earlier,” I heard someone say just as Corey had finished pushing me into Lady’s van and slammed the door shut locking me inside.
Lady began to drive away . Desperately I rolled down the window and reached as much of my body out the van as I could squeeze.
I watched her turn around and walk away. Her entourage flipped me the bird. Corey never invited me back to the Oozing Blister ever again.