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I rolled over in bed and giggled, something was tickling me. Just as I had started to fall back to sleep, I felt it again. A soft yet fast motion between my thighs.

“Stop it, Tyler!” I whispered as I flung my arm to the other side of the bed.

My hand smacked down onto the mattress. A bit surprised, I cracked my eyes open to take a peek. The bed was empty.

Just then, I felt the same sensation along my crotch, only this time there was a tight tug.

Faster than a courtesy flush after dropping a loose deuce, I flung the covers from my body.

Out jumped my cat, Nermal.

She pounced off of my bed and headed down the hallway. There was something dangling from her mouth.

It was my tampon.

“Oh, God!” I screamed in horror.

“What’s da matta?” Tyler shouted from the bathroom.

“Nermal just stole my tampon!”

“What? How she do dat?”

“I woke up to some tickling and…”

“OH MY GOD!” A voice radiated from the living room, “Your cat has a fucking bloody tampon dangling from it’s mouth!”

What the hell? Who else was in my house?

I scrambled out of bed, grabbed a crumpled t-shirt from off the floor and draped it over the front of my body. Half awake and still a bit drunk from the previous night, I made may way towards the bedroom door.

I had just entered the hallway when it happened.

I stepped on a toy truck and went one legged roller skating down the hall before losing my balance and landing face first onto the carpet in the living room. My face skidded on the floor and I lost hold of the shirt. I landed with my legs half spread and my pale white ass up in the air, completely naked.

Tyler opened the bathroom door just in time to witness the event.

He started laughing uncontrollably. Red walked over to help me up with her eyes scrunched shut and her head facing the wall.

“Where the hell did that stupid toy come from?” I shouted in pain.

“Ha ha ha! You stole it from Lisa last night, remember?” Red asked through her laughter.

“No! I don’t remember Red. I was drunk! Is anybody else here?”

“Just me and Tyler,” Red answered.

The cat dashed by me, tampon still in tow.

“I didn’t know youz was dat loose! Dat cat just pulled dat ting right outta ya, huh?” Tyler spat off with a huge grin across his chipped grill.

“Shut the fuck up, Tyler.” I screamed, “What time is it?”

“9:45,” Red answered.

“Shit, I have to be to work in fifteen minutes.”

Slowly, I limped into the bathroom and shut the door. I looked into the mirror to assess the damage from my fall. There was a large carpet burn on my cheek and it was starting to bruise. I had one row of cheap false lashes dangling from my right eye and red lipstick stains all over my face. No way could I make it into work, I looked like shit, I felt like hell and I could still taste the alcohol. I contemplated lighting a cigarette but was too afraid I would blow myself up with my own breath.

Instead, I called in sick to work, took a mouth full of Tylenol PM’s and dragged my pathetic ass back into bed to sleep the day away.

Around 5 pm I was awakened by my phone ringing.

It was Lisa.

“Hey girl, so you didn’t make into work today, I had a feeling you wouldn’t!”

“Oh man, I feel like shit.”

“I bet you do!”

“I don’t remember anything!” I confessed.

“Do you remember Jake barfing all over the side of my car?” she asked.

“No! Somehow I ended up with your kids toy truck, I must have stolen it from your car. I’m sorry, I will return it to you tomorrow.”

“You didn’t steal it, you traded it to me for a bottle of rum!”

“What?” I asked a bit confused.

Lisa decided to fill me in on the events from the night before. She was pregnant and had been our designated driver. Her sober account seemed to make a LOT more sense than the ones I had gotten from Tyler and Red earlier.

It was Halloween night, Tyler and I had been invited to a party at my friend Curly’s house. I decided to go as Courtney Love and slapped on a torn baby doll dress, pulled up some ripped fish net stockings and topped my head with a tiara after teasing it. Next I twisted open a tube of red lipstick and I smeared it all over my mouth.

Then I grabbed a blonde wig and a flannel shirt and ordered Tyler to put them on. He was my Kurt.

courtRed came by to join us and we downed a few beers in preparation. When we heard the honk of Lisa’s horn, we paraded down stairs and got into our ride. Lisa’s boyfriend Jake was sitting in the passenger seat next to her.

“Hi guys!” Lisa said as well all piled into her tiny car, “Are you Kurt and Courtney? That’s hilarious!”

“Ya, I figured this way I can get sloshed and blame my behavior on ‘being in character’,” I explained.

“Asterisk, you are too much!” Lisa said with a laugh.

A few minutes later we had arrived to the party. Lisa got out and waddled her extremely pregnant self into the garage and grabbed a bottle of water. The rest of us went over to the bar and started taking shots. Not long after, Lisa approached us.

“I really need to lay down for a bit. Do you guys mind if I go home for a while? I’ll come to take you all back to the apartment in a few hours.”

“That’s okay, I don’t care,” I slurred.

“We will be fine,” Jake seconded.

“Thanks, this pregnancy is taking a lot out of me,” Lisa stated before heading back to her car.

“Jello shots anyone?” Red asked carrying a tray of the liquor infused treats.

Several hours passed and I had already consumed a vast majority of the adult beverages at the bar. Curly and Tyler had set up a game of pool. This was boring me and I had decided that I needed their attention. So I pulled my dress down to my waist exposing my milk jugs and hopped onto the pool table. I flopped down onto my back and pretended to be passed out.

“Look at me, I’m Courtney Love!” I screamed.

“Ahhh, Asterisk, come on, you just killed our game!” Curly shouted in disappointment.

“Dude, cum on, get off da table!” Tyler seconded, “And put yo titties away.”

“Fine!” I screeched, as I rolled myself off of their game.

My attention was diverted anyway. I had just discovered a cute little white kitten in the yard and lunged over to make it my next victim. I picked her up in an attempt to snuggle her in my bosoms. The kitten was not so welcoming of my incoming affection and reached its paw up, scratching one of my nipples. In shock, I accidentally dropped her. As I reached down to lift her up a second time, some strange woman, dressed as a gypsy, snatched her from in front of me.

“Give me the kitten!” I screamed.

“No, you are too drunk! You will hurt the poor thing!” the woman shouted as she swerved between a row of folding chairs lined up in the garage and headed into the back yard.

What the hell? Who was this cunt to tell me what to do?

With my dress still down around my waist, I took off in a sprint after the pussy thieving nomad with my boobies flopping about.

“Give me the fucking cat, you Bitch!” I yelled while attempting to also weave myself between the lawn furniture. However my vision was a bit blurry and instead my body bashed right into the line of chairs with the blunt force of an electrocuted elephant. One by one they smashed into each other before hitting the ground with a final crash. I landed on top of the pile.

Lisa had returned just in time to witness the catastrophe.

“Oh my, God! Are you okay?” she asked me in shock.

I sat on the ground consumed in laughter, “I’m jussst making my cossstume looook morrre real esss teck.” I slurred.

“Oh my God, where is everyone else? It’s time to get you guys home,” Lisa stated a bit worried.

She rounded everyone up one by one and began loading them into the car.

I was the last to go.

“No, Lisa! I’m not ready! Just one more drink!” I begged.

“Asterisk, you have had enough. Get into the car!” she ordered.

“Fine, but I’m taking this!” I said as I grabbed a full bottle of rum from the bar. It had a card attached to it, tied with ribbon and a bow.

“That’s a git for Curly, Asterisk. You can’t take that. Come on,” she tried again.

I was not listening and snatched the bottle anyway. Lisa eventually gave up, just relieved I was heading towards the car, and let me take it.

Jake was sitting in the front seat and he didn’t look so good. His face was pale and he looked like he was ready to empty his guts at any moment.

Once I made it inside the car, Red pulled up my top and lit herself a cigarette.

“Red, would you mind not smoking in the car, please? I’m pregnant,” Lisa reminded her.

“Oh ya, I forgot. Sorry,” she apologized as she flicked the butt out the window.

The smell wasn’t helping Jake much either, as a matter of fact I’m pretty sure that’s what set him off.

Lisa noticed him start to dry heave at the same moment I did, and pulled the car over to the side of the road just in time. The moment he had opened the door, he began vomiting.

Once he had finished, Lisa helped him back inside the car and drove us the rest of the way home in silence. We pulled up to my house and as everyone began getting out of the car, I reached over to grab my stolen alcoholic prize.

“Leave the bottle, Asterisk!” Lisa demanded.

“No, it’s mine! I want it!” I shouted.

“It’s Curly’s! It was a gift! Look at the card attached!”

“He said I could have it!” I lied.

“Leave the bottle!” Red shouted.

Crap, I was out numbered.

“Fine!” I screamed, felling defeated, “I’ll leave it, but I’m taking this!” I proclaimed as I lifted up a toy truck from the floor and placed it inside my bag.

Lisa laughed, “Fine, you can have that instead,” she said shaking her head.

She waited outside in her idling car until the three of us had made it into the apartment.

I hate cats.

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59 thoughts on “Chasing Pussy

  1. Pingback: Smelly Pussy | It's not my fault.

  2. As a small animal veterinarian I’ve had the pleasure of removing a fair number of “interesting” items from the stomach and intestines of dogs. But nothing makes an owner cringe more than me coming out of surgery and telling them the blockage was caused by a used tampon or the chewed out crotch of someone’s panties. Ah dogs…gotta love ’em. Luckily most cats have more sense than to gobble down one of these prizes. Doc.

  3. Hello! Just started reading your posts and I love what I’ve read so far, it reminds me of Charles Bukowski. Looking forward to reading lots more of your work. Thanks for liking my new blog, I’m new to blogging world, so will see where It takes me. Best wishes!

  4. Ugh. Here’s another slutty post. Are you competing with Miley Cyrus to see who can be the least intelligent? Sex is the lamest way to get attention. You know, if I want to see a real whore, I can just visit a porn site. There’s no need to waste all that time you spent typing whatever garbage you typed above.

  5. Hey! Thanks for stopping by my blog and liking my post -“From Classy to Trashy – The Day Chanel Broke My Heart”. I’m new to this blogging thing so it’s always great to get some feedback. I have a siamese kitty and she is definitely more trouble than she’s worth… I’m sure this is how some guys feel about pussy in general… Cool post. Thanks again, stop by anytime!

  6. Just started to follow your blog and it’s great! I love Courtney love, I wish I could dress like her but somehow I don’t think my family would approve, you’re so lucky! Apart from the cat running away with your tampon 😀

  7. thank you for stopping by my blog. I love your first photo, although I could not look at it fully without your books popping up on the left side of your wordpress! You are a beautiful woman and I see a very clever writer.

  8. Pingback: Cow Balls | It's not my fault.

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