*Warning, this post contains graphic material that may not be suitable for sensitive readers or those under 18 years of age. Read at your own risk*
My cell phone wouldn’t stop ringing. It was him calling again, I knew it. My caller ID traced the call to the local jail. Why wouldn’t he stop? More importantly why was he even allowed to call me to begin with? I slid the button that said “deny call” to the right and a few seconds later a notification popped up alerting me that I had a new voice mail. With trembling hands, I dialed my inbox.
“You have 17 new messages,” the robot on the other end advised me. “First message.”
“Tina, I need to talk to you. Answer your phone.”
“Message deleted. New message.”
“Tina, this is Stephan calling you. Please babe, pick up your phone. I still love you and we need to talk.”
“Message deleted. New message.”
“Tina, I only have ten minutes to talk right now. Answer the fucking phone bitch! I’m calling back.”
“Message deleted. New message.”
I could hear intense breathing on the other end of the line, followed buy an unusual moan and a soft squeal. Figuring I had heard enough, I deleted that one as well.
“Message deleted. New message.”
“Tina, I’m not going to tell you that I’m sorry! I know that’s what you want to hear but I just won’t. You need to understand that what happened last night was your fault. You did that to our child by not obeying me, by not being the wife you should have been. Men have needs Tina, and you failed to provide for mine. You need to take responsibility for that!”
“Message Deleted. New message.”
I couldn’t stand to listen to anymore. Repeatedly, I hit delete until all 17 were erased, then I turned off my phone.
Solemnly, I made my way into the bathroom and turned on the warm water for a bath. Once undressed, I slipped my body inside. As the water reached my swollen breasts, I could feel the milk begin to drop as a surge of the white liquid began releasing down my chest and into the tub. I began to sob, thinking about the child I had nursed just yesterday but would never nurse again. My sobbing escalated as I began to ponder how long it would take my body to realize it was no longer the body of a mother, but just the empty shell of a woman who had lost her first and only child.
It was only a little more than two weeks prior that had been the best day of my life. I was 39 weeks pregnant and preparing for the birth of my daughter, Lily. Stephan and I had been married just under a year and starting a family together was something we had both wanted. My pregnancy had been rough in the beginning but by the second trimester I was no longer sick and my face had that glow that everyone talks about. It was a little harder on Stephan. He had an unquenchable sex drive and I felt anything but “in the mood” in my ever growing state.
“Come on babe, put my dick in your mouth,” Stephan demanded that morning before I gave birth.
As usual I did my best to comply. However, my morning sickness had returned and after only a few minutes of doing my best to satisfy him, I had to stop and run to the restroom to throw up. When I returned to the bedroom, Stephan’s erection was still raging.
“Seriously?” I asked when he motioned me to come to the bed where he was sitting naked while fondling himself.
“You started this, now you gotta finish it,” he ordered.
“Stephan, I really can’t. I don’t feel well and I’ll probably end up throwing up on you this time if I try.”
“You don’t have to suck me off babe. Remove your panties and bend over.”
“Stephan,” I tried to protest.
“I bet it will put you into labor. Don’t you want to have that baby? Sex is supposed to help trigger all that, remember?”
“Okay,” I reluctantly agreed, as he had made a pretty strong point.
I slipped down my panties and bent over the bed as he had instructed me to do. Though I wasn’t in the mood myself, Stephan didn’t seem to care and instead of trying to do anything to get me wet on my own, he spit on the opening of my vagina and then forced himself inside me. The abruptness of his entering caused a sharp pain near the bottom my cervix and I yelped.
“Shhhh!” he ordered as he placed his hand sternly over my mouth.
The roughness remained as he forcibly continued to penetrate me. It was almost as if he was getting pleasure from hurting me. He slapped my ass cheek with all his might as he continued pounding the girth of his manhood in and out of me. As tears began streaming down my face, he grabbed my hair abruptly forcing my neck to jam upward. I tensed up in fear and at that very moment he released himself. Relaxing his body, he dropped on top of me.
“Stop!” I shrieked, trying to push him off, scared he would harm the baby.
“The baby! You are going to crush her!”
“Oh,” he said as he slowly rolled off.
Even though I hate to admit it, especially now, Stephan was right. Not long after having sex, my water broke.
Stephan wasn’t home when it happened, he was at a local bar with his friends watching the game. I sent him a text message but didn’t hear back from him right away. I wasn’t too worried because I knew labor could take several hours, even days and my contractions were still pretty far apart.
As the sun had begun to set and my contractions were beginning to get closer together I called him on his cell phone.
“My water broke,” I excitedly informed him.
“That’s great, Babe. The game just finished up. Let me say goodbye to the boys and I’ll head back.” he promised. “Hey guys, I’m about to be a father!” I heard him shout before he hung up the phone.
I had my hospital bag packed and ready by the time Stephan had made it home. “You ready to go?” he asked once he was inside the apartment. I could tell that Stephan had been drinking because his eyes were blood shot and he was slurring his speech.
“Maybe I should drive?” I suggested.
“Why? Do you think I’m too drunk Tina? If that’s the case how the fuck did I just drive myself home? Just get in the car already. We both know damn well you are too fucking huge to fit behind the steering wheel anyway.”
Trying to avoid an argument, I hesitantly complied. Slowly, I wedged my enormous body into his car and fastened my seat belt. He turned over the engine and we were off. I held onto the door handle and prayed the entire way there that we wouldn’t get into an accident. After about fifteen minutes we made it safely to the hospital. Stephan pulled up to the entrance to let me out.
“Go get checked in. I’m gonna find a parking spot and I’ll be right behind you,” he promised.
Slowly I waddled the best I could into the crowded hospital. My contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be much longer before my daughter made her grand entrance into the world.
“My name is Tina Holder, I’m a patient of Dr. Murphy’s and I am in labor,” I told the woman at the reception desk.
“Please fill this out,” she said handing me the admittance paperwork. “I will have someone bring a wheelchair down for you and he can push you into the labor and delivery unit.” she promised.
I finished filling out the forms and as promised a wheelchair arrived to take me to the delivery room. Stephan still had not yet entered the hospital.
“My husband is still outside parking, can you let him know where I am?”
“I will send him to L&D when he gets in here. He may already be waiting for you there,” she tried to assure me, with a wink.
On my way to the birthing room I sent Stephan a text to let him know what was going on.
“I’m out smoking a cigarette. Be there shortly,” he texted back.
His message brought me a little relief and just minutes later I was examined by the doctor. Even though my water had broken I still wasn’t dilated enough to birth the baby on my own. My doctor had me injected with Petocin, a drug to help speed up the labor, and the contractions became a thousand times more painful.
I’m not sure how long Stephan was gone for but when he finally arrived to my room I was screaming.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked me, “I’m sure it hurts Tina, but you need to contain yourself. I could hear you down the hall and it’s quite embarrassing,” he lectured.
Within minutes my labor had significantly progressed and before I knew what was happening my baby was crowning. The speed she had begun to arrive and the size of her head made my vagina tear. It was one of the most excreting things I have ever endured. My screams were uncontrollable as were my tears. Stephan said he couldn’t take the noise anymore and left the delivery room.
Not long after, I held my beautiful baby for the first time. I can’t even begin to tell you the overwhelming emotions of love and happiness that moment brought me. I didn’t even care that Stephan wasn’t there to witness it.
Shortly after my baby girl was taken into the nursery to be examined and cleaned up, as I was having my vaginal wound treated and stitched.
I was released the next day and had to wait in the lobby for almost two hours for Stephan to come pick me up. The pain medication I was on for my stitches had begun to wear off and I was in desperate need to fill my pain prescription.
“Wow, are you sure she’s mine?” were the exact words out of Stephan’s mouth when he gazed upon our daughter for the first time.
“Are you serious?” I spat at him, my expression filling with disgust.
“Chill out honey, I was just joking. She’s beautiful. Good work,” he said as he kissed my forehead and helped us into the car.
“I need to get a prescription, would you mind filling it for me? I’m in a lot of pain and I really need to rest,” I begged my husband.
“I guess I can do that.”
Once we had arrived back at the apartment, Stephan helped Lily and I inside and then, as promised, left to fetch my medication. I put my daughter into her crib and then fell asleep in the lounge chair next to her.
When I awoke to the sound of her crying it was already dark outside. I brought the baby to my chest and fed her the best I could, as my milk had not yet come in. The colostrum my breasts were producing was not enough to fill her tummy and soothe her and she continued to suckle until my breasts were tender and bleeding. I really needed those pain pills!
“Stephan! Stephan!” I called through the apartment. When he didn’t answer I did my best to standup, now feeling the full intensity of my stitches, and walked into the hall. All the lights were off and there was no sign he had been home. I picked up my cell phone and tried to reach him.
“Hello?” Thankfully, he answered.
“Stephan, where are you? Where is my medication?”
“I’m out celebrating the arrival of my daughter! I dropped your prescription off but they said it wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow. The pharmacy was just closing when I left.”
“I’m in pain, Stephan! I need my medication and I could use your help with the baby!”
“Relax, Tina, get some rest. If you are hurting that much, then pour yourself a glass of wine. There’s a bottle in the pantry.”
“I can’t drink! I’m nursing!” I scolded him.
“Your milk hasn’t even come in yet,” he reminded me. “I’ll be home soon!” he promised as he hung up the phone.
I made my way back into the nursery and resumed my place on the recliner, holding my baby on my chest until we both fell asleep.
The next time I awoke it was two in the morning. The bars had just closed and Stephan was in the room shaking me awake.
“Tina, come on, put the baby in the crib and come to bed. You are going to get a cramp in your neck if you sleep like that. Drowsy and still probably half dreaming, I set Lily in her crib and followed Stephan into our shared bedroom. Once inside I slipped under the covers of my bed and began to dose back off.
Something startled me and I felt a sharp pain inside me so intense that I screamed.
“Tina, be quiet! You will wake the baby!” Stephan yelled into my ear. That’s when I realized my pants were off and he was inside me.
“What are you doing? Stop! Stop!” I begged.
“Just because you had a baby doesn’t mean you are off the hook, Tina! I have needs and they need to be met!”
“You are going to kill me! You will give me an infection! Stop! It hurts!” I begged.
Stephan was relentless and he held a pillow over my mouth until he had finished himself off inside of me. Once he was through he let go of the pillow and I gasped out for air. I really thought he was going to kill me. As I lay trying to catch my breath he rolled over onto his back and passed out. Before I was even able to calm my nerves he was snoring.
I knew what he did was not right and I knew that I needed to call somebody for help. However, all my family was across the country. Stephan had insisted that once we were married we move back to his home state. Throughout the majority of my pregnancy I had been isolated and alone. Instead of seeking help, I cried myself to sleep.
I gave Stephan the silent treatment the next day, and for the weeks that followed I refused to have sex with him. At night I would even lock myself in the nursery with the baby to keep him away. Stephan insisted that he never forced himself on me. He said I was being irrational and exaggerating the incident. He even said that he didn’t mind me sleeping in the other room because he didn’t want to be kept up all night due to a crying baby.
He never picked up my pain pills either.
It had been two weeks since the birth of Lily. She cried a lot and I was in desperate need of some kind of relief. Stephan must have been sensing that too. He hadn’t paid much attention to our baby prior to this day, so I was over joyed when I awoke to him holding her. He seemed like a natural father, rocking her in his arms.
“She’s very pretty, isn’t she?” he asked while I was in the kitchen preparing us lunch. “She looks just like you, a tiny version of my beautiful wife.”
For the first time since her birth, his words actually made me smile.
“Tina, I want you to take a break for a little bit. How about you go get your nails done or catch a movie?”
“Thanks Stephan, but no. I really can’t leave her yet, it’s too soon.”
“Tina, you are being crazy. I’m her father, I can watch her and I’m serious, go! Take an hour or two for yourself. I insist.”
Though I was hesitant to leave, we were in desperate need of some groceries and Stephan couldn’t be relied upon to shop for them so I decided to take him up on his offer. I slipped on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before kissing my daughter goodbye.
As I climbed into the front of his car, I felt a little relief finally fitting behind the steering wheel! It had been months since I had driven anywhere. Time flew by at the grocery store. I glanced down to my cell phone to check the time and was stunned to see I had been gone over an hour and a half already. I rushed my cart to the front of the store and had the cashier ring me up. After piling the groceries into the trunk, I sped back to the apartment as quickly as I could. I parked outside and sent Stephan a quick text asking for some help bringing in the groceries. Not waiting for his reply, I loaded up what I could in my arms and reentered the apartment.
The moment I saw it everything in my arms dropped. It was like being trapped in the worst nightmare possible. I can’t even tell you what I did next. I honestly don’t know. My neighbor told me that she heard screams so loud she knew someone was dying. As a matter of fact, she is the one who called the police. She saved my life that day and I hate her for it.
What did I see that was so awful? I don’t even want to tell you because no one ever should have to witness what I saw with my own eyes. No child should ever have to suffer what my little Lily did. I strongly advise you now to stop reading this because you will never be the same after I tell you what happened.
Stephan had my little girl naked and spread out on the counter and he was doing something so bad to her that I can’t even put it to words.
She didn’t survive his attack. She wasn’t even alive when the ambulance arrived. I saw an armed policeman in tears and heard him tell the paramedic while shaking his head that at first glance he thought my baby was a chicken.
“This is her fault!” Stephan shouted while the officer was handcuffing him. “That bitch refused to service me! That’s a woman’s duty! She made me do this! Arrest her, she did this to me!”
It has been two weeks since my daughter was born and just one day since she took her last breath. I had that prescription for pain killers filled this morning and five minutes ago I just took the entire bottle.
Though this is a work of fiction, it was inspired by a true story. You can read the article HERE
*If you or someone you know is being abused please seek help! This is noted behavior of narcissists.
Here are some sites that may help you understand and cope with this type of abuse: