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In silent tears, I began packing up my most important belongings. I knew I couldn’t  take more with me than what I could fit into my car. Then I made the phone call I was dreading to Dumb Beans.

“Listen Beans, I need you to take Tallulah for the next few weeks.”

“Great! I’ll meet you anytime!”

Beans couldn’t wait to get his claws back into our little daughter, Tallulah. Why he had been harassing me several times a day by phone, email and text message the entire time she was with me.

I had only had her a few short weeks the entire year, after Beans had stolen custody the fall prior and I lost a year long court battle.

This summer was supposed to be my special time with Tallulah.  I had made plans to buy both my kids and I amusement park passes and spend as much of the summer there with them as possible.

But, it wasn’t meant to be.

“Tallulah, honey, you have to go back to your daddy’s for a while until mommy and PJ get situated,” I said, my heart breaking.

I was also taking PJ to his dads for the week, with my own plans to pawn my valuables and sleep in my car.

Just then, my phone rang.  The caller ID said it was my friend, Slappie.
Though I had known her over a decade, we were more of just aquantences. After a recent lunch together, I had decided that she was probably on drugs with her weird behavior and was about to blow her off for good.

Pun intended!

“Hey Asterisk, you ok?” she wanted to know after I answered.

“No,” I whispered back.

“I saw what you posted online about Sam. I have an extra bedroom in my condo if you need a place to stay for a while. Ok?”

Immediately the flood gates of tears opened and I began bawling on the other end of the line.

“Seriously?” I managed to get out between sobs.

“Yes! Pack your stuff and get over here. Ok?”

“Thank you so much,” I whispered before hanging up the phone.

“Huh?”

“You just saved my life! Thank you!”

Even though staying with a possible coke head was not my first option, it was sadly my only option at the moment.

“It won’t be that bad,” I told myself. “You’ve never seen her do drugs, you are just paranoid.”

Besides, I knew Slappie had suffered the loss of her fiancée just days before I lost my grandfather. We had that in common and I had hoped we could help each other heal by being together.

That afternoon as I finished packing, Sam didn’t say much to me at all. Well, besides the final argument.

“You know, I told you that you could stay until the end of summer,” he reminded me.

“I’m not staying here with your mother, Sam. You need to get her out of here. She’s mistreating my kids! I just started this new job, I’m paying the sitter to come over here while I work. The sitter doesn’t want to be here around your mom.  Your mom is not only rude to her, but my sitter has told me repeadidly that she thinks your mom hates my kids and that she verbally abuses them when I’m not here!”

“I need my mom’s help,” he confessed.

“No you don’t! You have ME! We are supposed to be a team!”

“My ex doesn’t want you watching my daughter.”

“Then you need to talk to her about that and explain we have a combined family!” I insisted.

“I told you it has nothing to do with you.  I don’t want her boyfriend watching my daughter so she said you can’t watch her either.”

“It’s not the same! I’m a mother, we are a family!”

“I told you, I don’t want a family. We want different things.”

“That’s not YOU talking! You are repeating your mother! You persued me! You asked me out! Not the other way around! Get that bitch the fuck out of here!” I pleaded.

“I can’t. She pays the bills.”

“We can pay our own bills! How many times I have begged you both to put OUR names onto the utilities? Your mom shouldn’t be on any of our bills, she’s controlling you Sam! It’s not healthy!”

Sam stood up broad chested with his enormous gut popping into the air as he began to shout,

“IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE ASTERISK! IT’S OVER! WE ARE OVER! IT’S DONE! IT’S BEEN DONE! OK? WE ARE THROUGH!”

He stood there glaring into my eyes with a beastly look of intimidation for what seemed like minutes before waddling out of our shared bedroom on his swollen, obese legs.

Sam continued to stand around the house watching me carry load after load to my car. In his typical fashion, he didn’t bother to offer me any assistance. Instead, he just followed me around with his hands behind his back probably worried I would steal something.

Douche.

Though it hurt, I held my head up high and pulled out all the strength I could muster from within.

When my car couldn’t fit anything more, I loaded my children inside and made the regrettable journeys to leave them with their fathers for the time being.

I flipped Sam the bird as I pulled out of our driveway.

That night I moved in with Slappie. She was very comforting and stayed with me way past the start time of her night shift at the local strip club.

“You don’t need Sam! You are beautiful, ok? You will find someone better, ok? It will be fun ok! Huh?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

She took me upstairs to show my the room I would be sleeping in.

“Wow! It’s huge. It even has its own bathroom! Thank you so much, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate you letting me stay here.”

“It’s cool girl! You get on your feet, ok? There’s an air mattress on the floor for now, but I’ll help you bring your bed by in a few days when my friend picks this one up, ok? I was just borrowing it.”

“Oh, ok.” I looked to the left, and saw the giant, smelly dog crates, “Do you want me to help you move these into your room?” I asked.

“No! This is the dog’s room! You are their guest, they are sharing. Oh, and you can’t use this bathroom shower either, it leak, ok?”

The bathroom sink was covered in her belongings.

“Can I move some of this so I can put my things here?”

“Sure,” she said, leaving the room.

I opened up one of the drawers to find it full. In fact, every drawer was full. Getting creative, l opened the large bedroom closet to find it also jam-packed with more of her belongings.

I let out a sigh and told myself to relax. After all, it was only temporary and she wasn’t going to charge me rent. I’m sure soon I’d be able to afford a storage unit anyway and move my things out of Sam’s. Though my job was still new, I had faith my earnings would rapidly increase.

*Beggers can’t be choosers, as the old saying goes.*

Reluctantly, I made myself a pile of my things in the corner of the room.

“Asterisk!” I heard Slappie’s voice echo from down the hall, “Come keep me company, I Hate being alone, ok?”

I wandered into the bedroom and then into the adjoining bathroom to see Slappie laying naked in the bath tub. Her legs were spread as she ran a razor across the top of her vagina.

“Sit down and hang out with me,” she demanded.

“Uhhhhh….”

“It’s fine, come talk to me! I hate being alone, ok?” she emphasized again.

“I’ll be right back, I need to grab a beer.”

If I was gonna have to stare at this bitches twat, I was gonna need a buffer.

This was just the first glimpse of what was to come with dear Ole Slappie but I’ll have to tell you more about that later.

*Here is a video my ex husband sent me of my daughter last week. She still hasn’t come home to me.*
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22 thoughts on “Bathroom Buffer

  1. Look, I know that I don’t know you in real life and I’m just a slightly insane stranger from the internet. But it seems to me that you are worth so much more than you put yourself out for. I think that you choose men that are vastly, and I do mean by a wide margin, beneath you. You are very pretty. You care about your children. You have a work ethic. I don’t care if you are a CEO or a stripper pulling in ones, you have a load of fine features. I don’t know how much of your blog is true, maybe some, perhaps none. Maybe all of it. If any of it is then you have a harder life than yours needs to be. You deserve better. I hope you can find a straight shooting man who doesn’t give you any grief.

  2. amazing saga, you need to get this in a book, it would sell. I agree with dysphoriangrey, you deserve a lot better and seem to have a good head on your shoulders except taste in men. Took me 3x to get it right. Of course now if my wife sees that pic she might get a little upset : )

  3. In every conversation there’s a moment when you must let the power of silence work for you. No matter how hard it is keep quiet without saying a word. Force the other person to break the silence. As you’ve come to learn the one who speaks first loses.

    What is it Beans could possibly say which would have made a difference in his life or your relationship? He doesn’t need his mother’s money more than he wants her to pay the utilities. A man like him who thinks if it’s not coming out of his pocket no one is paying is a slug. Really Beans? His myopic view cost everyone, including his mother, dearly.

    When a guy cheats on his wife eventually she’ll realize she doesn’t need him or the aggravation any longer. During their last argument there will come a moment of silence. What apolopy or pledge to reform could he possibly make? In your case when that happens you break the silence rescuing Beans from himself. He shrugs off whatever point you make.

    I agree with those of your fans which are saying you haven’t realized you no longer need him. What better proof is there than being in a bathroom watching ‘Slappie’ Beaver shaving her snatch. When she asks for a towel, and she will ask, don’t hand it to her toss it. How will you react when fart bubble breaks the surface?

    We love watching you live on the narrow edge which is why we come back isn’t it? Hey, I rooted for Monica Lewinsky and will always root for you.

    • Sam, not Beans, right? Though they pretty much, they have done the same thing to their mothers. Beans still lives at home too, living off his own mom, with the stolen custody of my child which we all know he isn’t there to watch. Mama is.

      Slappie is a nut job and she only gets worse.

      Lots more to come very soon ♡

  4. I know that it may be difficult but perhaps a need for more positive thinking…smile…when one has only negative thoughts, all one will find is negative things…OR……”When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. As you think, so shall you be.” Helen Keller

  5. Pingback: Shower Happy Slappie | It's not my fault.

  6. Wow~ you are one STRONG WOMAN! This is one of those articles you read and think “there is no way she could make this shit up”…….I hope things start working out for the better, and one by one you start eliminating the toxic people from your life! ❤

  7. Pingback: A Mother Lover | It's not my fault.

  8. Pingback: Ghetto Celebrity | It's not my fault.

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