After watching my new roommate, Slappie the stripper, finish grooming her whore hole, it was off to the dance club for her and time for me to fall asleep on the half-deflated air mattress alining the floor of her guest room. Errr, dogs room.
“Asterisk, do you have some moisturizer I can borrow? Huh?” she asked me.
Grateful to not be sleeping in my car I gladly offered up everything I had.
“Absolutely! All my skin care products are right here. Use what you need.”
After finger scooping out a giant gob of the expensive product from the tiny jar and smothering it all over her face, she reached into my makeup box and pulled out some eyeshadow. Once finished contouring her eyes, she grabbed yet another product and began using that one too.
“I have the hottest neighbors nextdoor! I want to fuck them so bad. Actually there are four of them all in the same house, but only three of them I want to bone. Huh?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“I’m torn between them. I think I really want to fuck Jose! He’s the hottest. Bill is pretty cute too. What?”
“I didn’t say anything,” I responded once again.
“I have to confess something, ok?”
“I’m kind of a narcissist! I hate men. I like to use them for sex. I’m am horrible to the men I date. What?”
I was starting to get annoyed, “I didn’t say anything.”
“I need their energy, you know? I drain them of their energy and leave them nothing but empty shells.”
I just stood there half exhausted and ready for bed.
“Hey, do you mind if I take a quick shower? I’m really beat and I work early tomorrow,” I asked.
“Hey, Asterisk,” Slappie addressed me in a baby voice, completely oblivious to what I just said, “Will you do my eyeliner for me?” she asked batting her lashes.
“I’m not good at doing other people’s eyeliner,” I lied. “You are welcome to use it though!” I offered, just trying to escape the uncomfortable conversation.
“You are a professional, please! I’m not charging you rent,” she reminded me.
Guiltily, I obliged. Once I had finished, I grabbed my towel and started to make my way into the restroom when Slappie stopped me.
“Aren’t you gonna help me walk the dogs before I go?” she asked in that same stupid baby voice.
I let out a sigh, “I’m really tired, but I guess a little walk won’t hurt me.”
I followed Slappie down the stairs and into the main room of the condo. There she pulled down two giant harnesses that were hung on the railing.
“Hey!” She screamed at the top of her lungs. Both mammoth dogs came hurdling towards us and stood at our feet.
“Sit down!” She yelled. When one of the dog’s wouldn’t obey she tried again, “I SAID SIT THE FUCK DOWN!” That seemed to work and before long both dogs were buckled into their harnesses. She handed me one of the leashes before leaving the apartment together.
As we made our way through the gated court yard, Slappie began lecturing me on all the rules of walking her dumb dog.
“Always hold the leash here!”
“Watch out for other dogs!”
“Check behind that wall!”
It was very annoying and I did my best to block out as much of her excessive gabbing as humanly possible.
We excited the building and made our way onto the cracked sidewalk. The neighborhood was old and run down and certainly not any place I’d have wanted to be alone in at night. Suddenly I was grateful to be holding onto the large dog.
Before long we were passing by an old house when Slappie suddenly stopped in her tracks.
“This is it. This is the house. Huh?”
“What house?” I asked.
“With the hot guys. I’m gonna see if Jose is home.”
Before I could protest she was already on their porch ringing the bell. When no one answered, Slappie began checking the windows.
“I know they are here! Right? Assholes…” she declared, just as she had given up on them answering.
As she continued to yap, we walked the dogs around a good portion of her ghetto neighborhood. Finally, after more than 30 minutes had gone by, and the dog’s had released their filthy bowels we headed back.
Before she realized what I was doing, I ran up the stairs and took my shower. When I was finished, I exited into the bedroom and was quickly disappointed to find Slappy still had not left for work.
“Asterisk, can you style my hair for me?” the damn baby voice was back.
“Not tonight, I’m really sleepy and I work early tomorrow I reminded her.”
“Next time!” she reluctantly agreed.
I made my way back into the dog’s room and put on my pajamas. I had no sooner turned off the light and got under the blankets when Slapstick returned.
She stood directly above me.
“You need to get laid!”
“No, I don’t. I’m really sad. I need time to heal from Sam,” I protested.
“Sam was fucking nasty. Plus I thought you guys didn’t have sex anyway. A rebound guy will make you feel better.”
“No, I just need some time to be alone and get on my feet.”
“How big do you think Jose’s dick is?”
“I don’t know!”
“I bet it’s fucking huge!”
“He’s Hispanic. Aren’t they supposed to have tiny ones?” I asked in a giggle.
“No! I kissed him the other day and I could feel it pressed up against me! You know?”
“He’s fucking hot! I want him! But just for sex! I just want to use him! I want his dick and I want his energy! Rrrrrrr! Ahhh! Why won’t he call me back?”
Slappie stared onto her phone screen, in hopes of a missed call from Jose. The light made her face glow. As I looked up, I could see her jaw grinding back and forth. She suddenly looked old and hollow.
“Look Slappie, I really need sleep and you need to go to work,” I reminded my new roomie.
“Yah, ok!” she agreed before turning on her heels and storming out of the bedroom. A few seconds later I could hear the front door slam.
Finally I could sleep.
A little while later, I woke up to the front door being unlocked. I could hear the dog’s jumping around. My heart began to pound with anxiety.
Who the hell was here at this hour? I looked at the clock, Slappie wasn’t due back for several more hours.
I decided to send her text, “Are you home? Sometime is here!”
A few seconds later, there was a reply from my friend, “It’s probably the dog walker.”
Relieved, I feel back asleep.
Once again, I was jerked out of sleep to the front door being pushed open. Then a loud voice talking and laughing. It was Slappie on the phone. She must of forgotten I was there. A few minutes later I heard her bedroom door slam shut and the talking became muffled.
I was exhauated the next day at work but decided to stay late and hike the canyons nearby.
Anyway, I had a plan!
Slappie was supposed to leave for work around 7 pm. She was still there around 8 when I came home the day prior. Perhaps if I waited it out she would be gone when I got back and I could relax a little before bed.
I pulled into the parking garage around 8:30 that night to see the bitches car still there.
I entered the apartment and immediately Slappie yelled down the stairs in her baby voice. “Hi Asterisk! I’m so glad to have you staying here.”
“Yo,” I responded, as I made my way up to the bedroom to set down my purse and get ready to rinse off. “Mind if I take a quick shower?” I asked.
“I have to get ready for work now,” she responded.
“Oh? I thought you would have been gone by now. I just came from a work out and I smell pretty bad, it will only take two minutes, I promise.”
“Sorry! My job comes first. You will just have to get used to my schedule. Right?”
Even though I was stanky, sour and exhauated, I gave in and went down into the kitchen to make some food. Once it was prepared about twenty minutes later, Slappie decended the stairway.
“You hungry?” I asked. “I made some guacamole.”
“No, not really,” she responded as she made her way towards me and grabbed a chip out of my bag anyway, ready to help me consume the dinner I had just made for myself.
“Jose still hasn’t called me back! Can you believe that? What?”
“Well, give him some space. Let him come to you,” I advised.
“But I just want to fuck him! You know? I don’t want to be his girlfriend. It’s just for sex. What? It’s because we have the same schedule. That’s why. I don’t want to be his girlfriend. Right?”
“Yah but I need to get laid! I NEED to get laid. You don’t understand!”
Once we had finished eating, I washed the dishes and put everything away.
“Well, I’m going to hop in the shower now. Make lots of money tonight!” I encouraged El Slappo.
“I’ve got the water running.”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“I’m running my bath water right now. You can come sit with me though. Ok?”
“I’m really tired, I just want to lay down!”
“Come talk to me, ok? You know I like the company, right?”
Reluctantly I grabbed a beer out of the fridge. It was about to be ANOTHER LONG NIGHT.
Copyright Wendi Bear 2015