It was finally the weekend. I had just finished my Saturday shift at work and went for my nightly run. Knowing full well that Slappie would be waiting for me when I arrived back to the condo, I decided to take a detour to the local Wal-mart.

I passed through the hoards of fellow late night shoppers as I made my way to the food isle. Silently, I filled up a grocery cart with as many discounted edible items as I could afford with my last eighty dollars. I knew it would be a while before I would be able to buy anything again so I chose wisely, nuts, bananas and granola bars for myself to live on for the month. Then I picked out what I would need to make my son’s lunches, and some snacks.

Even though I couldn’t afford to buy any clothes, I decided to take a look down the clothing isle anyway. 

I figured I might as well take my sweet ass time. 

I browsed aimlessly for what seemed like hours, trying my best to rid my mind of my most recent heartbreak.

Not only had I just lost the man I thought loved me, my home and the majority of my belongings, for the time being I had said goodbye to the most important people in my life, my children.

I was suddenly jerked out of my mind train by the stores loud speaker, “We will be closing in five minutes. Please take all merchandise to the front counter for check out.”

I walked to the register, surrendered the last of my money and headed back home.


Slappie’s car was gone. 

As it turned out, 11:07 just happened to be the magic number.

I carried my groceries in, put them away and gratefully took a shower on my own time for once.  When I was finished cleansing myself, I excited the bathroom, and walked into the hallway simotanously wrapping a towel around me.

I almost dropped my damn towel when I heard it.

“Hello! I’m the dog sitter.”

I let out a shriek when I noticed a long haired man and what appeared to be his girlfriend looking up from the top of the stairs.

“Oh, hi, sorry!” I shouted as I ran into my the dog’s bedroom and shut the door.

Immediately I noticed it.

The fucking air mattress was gone! I would be spending the night on the floor. I let out a sigh as I began folding my bed spread into a rectangle in hopes of having some sort of a cushion.

Once dressed, I laid on my make shift bed. It was uncomfortable all right. 

I texted Sam.

“Slappie got rid of the air mattress. I’m sleeping on the floor. Do you think you can bring my mattress over tomorrow?”

“I have no way of getting it there,” he replied a few minutes later.

“Tie it to the top of your mom’s SUV. I’m really uncomfortable. Please?”

“Now you know how I felt all those months sleeping on the couch,” he complained.

“It’s not my fault you snore Sam! It’s not even a normal snore, it’s like screaming in my ear. You need to go to the doctor and get it treated. You have sleep apnea, you could die! I’ve been telling you this for two years!” I lectured.

“It’s never your fault. I know, you have an entire blog dedicated to it. Besides, you knew I snored before we even moved in together and no one but you has ever complained.”

“Ha ha ha! I doubt that. It’s your fault because you choose to do nothing about it.”

“Are we really going to start this again?” he asked.

“Ugh! I’m so frustrated! Listen, if I give you a list, can you bring some things over for me in the morning?”

“I guess.”

That night I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up Sunday morning with my eyes swollen. I tried texting Sam my list of necessities, but he didn’t respond.  I knew he slept in until noon most days, so I continued to lay on the hard floor while browsing through Facebook. About an hour later Slappie was up.

“Hey girl, want some coffee?” she offered.

“FUCK YES!” I responded. “My body is killing me from the floor.”

“Oh, sorry about that. It was my friends mattress and she called me yesterday saying she needed it back, out of the blue. Bad timing, huh?”

“Seriously. Maybe we can get my bed today? Do you think it will fit on top of your car?” I asked hopeful.

“My car is huge, we can grab it for sure!” she promised.

Together we walked down the stairs and I was the one who ended up starting the pot of coffee. Once It had brewed and I poured us each a cup, Slappie began telling me about her night at work.

“God I’m so sick of the dumb bitches at my club! There was almost a fight last night between three of them and they were trying to drag me into it.”

“That’s scary!” I said, before taking a sip of my liquid breakfast.

“Not only that, I was there all night and only walked with $80!” She complained.

“That’s better than me! I only took home $25.”

“Well you didn’t have to grind on dick! Right?”

“Ya, but I did pedicures! I had to pick crud out of old ladie’s toes.”

Slappie stood in silence, staring into space with her mouth agape for about five seconds before speaking, “You win.”

Then she stared on about how Jose still hadn’t called her and how much she needed to fuck him. When she was through, once again she asked me to walk the dogs with her. Wanting to get a little exercise, I happily agreed.

“SIT THE FUCK DOWN MOTHER FUCKERS!” she shouted at the beasts. I helped her to leash the smaller of the two and we were off.

Even though this wasn’t the first time I had helped her walk the dogs, Slappie treated me as if it was and began repeating all the rules from the time before. Again I did my best to ignore her. Unfortunately my mind wandered back onto Sam and the kids.

Slappie may have noticed the tears running down my cheeks because she rested the lecture.

“Awwww. Don’t feel bad Asterisk, things will work out. Listen, I’m going to take you to champagne brunch today, ok? How does that sound?” she asked. “My treat.”

Bitch had just mouthed the perfect words.

Suddenly, I liked Slappie again.

“Yes!” I shouted in the excitement usually reserved for kids at Christmas.

Just then I heard a ding and looked down at my phone to see it was a text from Sam saying he would be on his way. I tried again to convince him to bring my bed to no avail.

A little while later Slappie, the dogs and I were back at the condo. Not long after that Sam arrived.

My heart began to race and my face turned ghost white when I heard the buzzer. I hadn’t seen him since I left our home and I wasn’t sure if was ready.

“You want me to go out there with you and help bring in some things?” Slappie offered.

“No, that’s ok,” I responded heading out the front door. Once I reached the security gate, I took a deep breath and walked outside.

The second I saw Sam, my blood began to boil. I can’t even begin to tell you what came over me, it was like I was living out the movie The Exhorsist.

“Thanks a lot you piece of shit!” I yelled at him in the middle of the street.


“So nice of you to help me leave my home! I bet it fells good to be getting rid of more of my possessions, doesn’t it?”

Sam just shrugged.

Reaching out, I grabbed what he had in his hands and I stormed back inside the condo. I dropped them at the front entrance and went back out for more.

Sam had another load waiting in his arms.

“I can carry these inside,” he offered in his typical monotone voice.

“No! No! You never once helped me carry anything in when we were living together! But now you gladly will help, if it means getting rid of me! Fuck you Sam!”

Sam finally lost his cool.

“Fuck you!” he shouted back. “I’m doing you a favor here!”

That’s when I did it. I lost all control of myself. Right there on a public street in the middle of the ghetto I began the rant to end all rants.

“Do you like it Sam?”

“Like what?”

“I bet you do, I know you love it!”


“When your mommy sucks on your tiny, smelly, dirty, pathetic excuse for a cock! You don’t need me after all, do you Sam? You have mommy to slurp up all your putrid spooge! ‘Oh ya! Oh Mommy!’ You are sick Sam! Nasty, sick and pathetic! Suck on Mommy’s tits some more Sam!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. My body shook with the force of a 6.0 earthquake.

“You are sick!” he shouted back.

“No! No! No! I hate you!” I yelled as I grabbed the final load from his clutches before running back to the condo. “You are sick! Worthless mommy fucker!”

Once inside I started bawling uncontrollably.

“What the hell happened?” Slappie wanted to know.

Inbetween sobs I tried to explain, “I told Sam that his mom sucks his little dick.”

Slappie started laughing so hard, the bitch snorted. “Clean yourself up dude, let’s get brunch.”


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