I followed Slappie out of the courtyard and down a cracked walkway to the house a few doors down.
“Someone is out there!” she exclaimed. “Come on!” she ordered, bouncing with the excitement of a young golden retriever chasing after a frizbee.
Slowly I followed behind my roommate, feeling a mixture of shyness and embarrassment.
“Hey, how’s it going?” she asked the man standing on his porch.
“I’m ok. What’s up?” he asked.
“I don’t think we met before. I know your roommates but I don’t know you.”
“I’m Luke,” he said with a welcoming smile.
“I’m Slappie! This is Asterisk! Come here Asterisk, say hi! Huh?”
“Hello,” I said.
Before Luke could respond, Slappie had begun her interrogation.
“What’s Jose up to?”
“He’s with the other guys, at a bar-b-que. I’ll be joining them shortly.”
“Awww too bad! I was hoping you guys would have something going on here and we could all hang out. Right?”
“No not today, sorry,” he apologized as he opened his front door.
Slappie seized the opportunity and slithered her way inside. I remained on the stoop. I could see Slappie’s face about two inches from poor Luke’s and completely empathized with his current situation.
He must have felt pretty uncomfortable because immediately he turned my way and invited me in.
Once inside, he offered us both a glass of beer.
“Wow, this is really good!” I said after taking a sip.
“YEAH IT IS!” Slappie loudly agreed, in an attempt to keep the attention directed towards herself.
“I went to a brewery yesterday and brought some back,” Luke admitted.
It didn’t take the three of us long to finish off the large bottle and alas the day was still young.
“I wonder if they sell any good beer like this locally?” I said.
“There’s a place down the street,” Luke informed me. “Want to go?”
Luke and I headed down the street to the corner store.
Slappie, annoyed she was not the center of attention anymore, and pissed off that Jose wasn’t home, went back to her condo in an attempt to make a ‘booty call’ to the 19 year old she had been flirting with.
The walk to the corner store didn’t take long and within 20 minutes we are also back at the condo with the 6 pack of ale.
Slappie was pouting in the front room after being ignored by her 19 year old potential target.
Luke popped opened a couple of beers as I made something for us to snack on.
That night, for the first time ever, Slappie went to work on time.
I woke up the next morning on the floor of
my room the dog’s room to the sound of Slappie’s annoying voice.
“Asterisk, are you awake? Asterisk? Did you have fun last night? Huh?”
“Huh? What?” I asked while patting the ground next to me in an attempt to locate my glasses. I blinked a few times before realizing my contact lenses were still in.
“Did you get laid?” she wanted to know.
“I don’t know. I don’t think so,” I answered looking down to see I was in fact wearing my pajamas.
“Oh, well when I came home last night Luke was still here, laying on the floor next to you.”
“Weird,” I mumbled still not quite awake.
“He seemed happy. He smiled and waved at least.”
“I don’t know…” I admitted again.
“Come walk the dogs with me, ok?” Slappie ordered.
“No, I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep.”
Slappie let out an annoyed grunt, stomped her foot and left the room.
I woke up a little while later to Slappie calling my name again.
“Hey, Asterisk! Did the dog sitter come by last night. Did you see him? Huh?” she wanted to know.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Well his money is still here where I left it, so he must not have come by! Right?”
“I don’t know Slappie, I’m trying to sleep.”
Slappie let out a short angry scream and once again stomped her way out of the bedroom.
It was close to three in the afternoon when she woke me for the third time.
“It’s getting late Asterisk! You have slept all day, you need to get up! Ok?” she ordered of me, like the mother of an unruly teenager.
“But I don’t want to!” I protested, not acting much more mature myself.
Before I could protest further, Slappie laid down on the floor next to me and then she farted.
“Oh my God, seriously?” I shouted. That worked. Within a second I was up and on the other side of the room.
Slappie just laughed as she continued to serenade me with her butt trumpet.
I stepped into the bathroom, emptied what little urine was left in my dehydrated bladder. After I washed my hands, I slowly decended the stairs towards the kitchen. I opened the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water and started chugging.
Slappie came bouncing down the stairs, “I’m running over to Rose’s for a bit, I’ll be back!” she declaired.
Bitch woke me up for nothing.
I decided to go back to sleep.
The sun had just set when I was suddenly jolted awake by an earthquake.
Only, it wasn’t an earthquake, it was the rumbling of Slappie stomping up the stairs. By the time she entered my room I was already wide awake.
“I just had an interesting conversation with Rose,” she informed me. I noticed her eyes were dilated and she was sweating profusely.
“Oh yah?” I asked, looking up to see Slappie once again grinding her jaw. I was beginning to notice a connection between Rose’s house and Slappie’s drug use.
“Rose is friends with the dog walker, you know!”
“No, I didn’t know. I don’t even know Rose.”
“You want me to fill you in on last night?” she asked.
“No, not really.”
Slappie proceeded to anyway, “What was the ONE THING I asked you to take care of? What’s the most important thing in this house?”
“Your couch?” I had no idea where the hell she was going with this.
“That’s right! Rose told me that the dog walker came over last night and when he opened the front door all he saw directly in front of him was your fat, white ass bouncing in the air! You fucked Luke on my couch! Didn’t you? Huh?”
“No… no I didn’t! Did I?”
“Yes you did! That couch is sacred to me! I should kick you out right now but lucky for you there was at least a blanket on it! Ok?”
“I don’t know what to say, I mean I don’t remember that happening. You said Luke was up here on the floor with me when you got home. I had my pajamas on…” I tried in vein to defend myself.
“Not only that, but the dog walker never walked my dogs! That means they were stuck in cages ALL NIGHT LONG!” she shouted. “Everyone is talking about it!”
Copyright Wendi Bear 2015