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I awoke a bit dehydrated from the wine I had consumed the night before. My neck was stiff as I squinted to the left to see the clock. After one failed attempt I gave up and reached for my glasses. It was 7:30 am.

Perfect.

I still had time for my morning run before I had to get ready for work. I stood up and walked towards the bedroom door already hearing it.

HARR UMMP! WEEEEEE! HARR UMMP! WEEEEEEE! GRRRRuuuup!

Suddenly my head hurt. I rolled my eyes when I saw it.

My boyfriend, Sam the Ham, was sprawled out on my beautiful sofa snoring his ugly brains out.

Shirtless.

That’s right!

There was 400 pounds of fuzzy man fluff spread out as far as the eyes could see.

He had one giant leg limb resting against the side of the couch, while the other was spread wide open exposing his measly man bits to the entire house; including his mother, who happened to be watching TV on the love seat next to him. -Though she didn’t seem bothered.

His head was leaning over the arm of the sofa and his mouth was agape.

I found it annoying that not only did he snore like a locomotive, his body resembled the caboose.

“Hey, get up!” I ordered as I attempted to shake him awake. I watched as his whole body rippled like the water bed I used to have in high school, or perhaps one of my aunt Marsha’s famous Jello molds.

HARR UMMP!

“Sam!” I tried again.

WEEEEEEE!

“WAKE UP!” I yelled.

HARR UMMP!

“Oh just let him be,” his mother demanded.

WEEEEEEE!

“I’m heading out for a run, no sense in him staying out here.”

Suddenly, the snoring ceased. 

“FUCK!” Sam screamed.

I watched as my Puddin’ Pop’s giant eyes rolled around in his fat head as he finally came around.

“What the fuck are you waking me up for?”

“You can go to bed now, I’m up.”

“Ahhhh! My neck is killing me from sleeping out here all night!” he scolded.

“I told you I had to work today, I needed rest.”

“Then you can fucking sleep out here yourself!”

“I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is, Sam. Maybe you should do something about your snoring since it’s YOU that has the problem?”

“No one has ever had a problem with it BUT YOU. Besides, I can’t control it! It’s not like I choose to snore, Asterisk!”

“You chose NOT TO DO anything about it! Make an appointment with the doctor, get one of those machines your dad has, or hey, maybe think about losing some weight? You can come run with me!”

“Fuck you!” he screamed as he hefted his mammoth body out of the furniture and began waddling into the bedroom. The putrid smell of fat man body odor mixed with strawberry e-cigarette flavored juice wafted from behind him before he slammed the bedroom door.

Angrily I stared down at the hole imbedded in my sofa and the sweat stains around it.

“You need to be nicer to each other,” his mother lectured me. “Sam was kind enough to sleep out here so you could rest even though it hurts his neck. Sam is a sweet boy.”

I ignored the dumb bitch as I made my way to the bathroom to change into my gym clothes. I really needed a run after that crap.

An hour later I made my way back to the house and showered. Once my makeup was done, I left the bathroom to see Sam sitting at his computer desk. I walked up to him and as was my routine, put my hands on the back of his shoulders and began to rub them.

“So, what?” he asked, “You want to be nice now?”

“I love you.”

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled, his eyes still transfixed on the computer screen as he took a hit off his e-cigarette.

I continued to rub his beastly white shoulders despite noticing the chunks of dead skin rolling off from the friction of my fingers.

Sam relaxed and began to speak, “I thought maybe I could take PJ out to a movie today while you are at work. I know he wants to see Spider Man too and I figure it would give us some bonding time.”

“That would be cool, he’ll like that,” I said happy to see my boyfriend interested in spending some time with my son.

“My mom is taking my daughter to Disneyland anyway.”

I loaded up my car and drove out to my job selling wine. It was a Sunday and Mother’s Day no less, so I was hoping I’d make some good sales. I wasn’t disappointed. After 6 hours of pretending to flirt back with half of the gross old men at the market I finally made my way home.

I stopped and picked up some flowers and a card for Sam’s mom first. Even though she annoyed the hell out me, I knew Sam probably wouldn’t get her anything.

Sam’s mom was back when I arrived at the house, but he still was not. 

“These are for you!” I said handing Donna the small gifts.

“Huh? I’m not your mom,” she said, “You didn’t need to do this.”

“I know, it’s nothing much. I just want you to know I appreciate all you do for us.”

She nodded, sat them down on the counter and then turned on the TV. 

I took a seat at the computer desk to do my sales report for work. I was just finishing up when Sam and PJ walked through the door.

“Happy Mother’s Day!” Sam said handing me an enormous bucket of popcorn.

I looked at him a little confused and let out a short giggle. It was unlike Sam to remember ANY holiday. “Thanks?”

“You love popcorn at the movies!” he stated.

“Yeah, but I didn’t get to go…”

“Oh how sweet!” Donna interrupted.

“It gets better.” Sam assured me.

“Look Mommy! Look what we got you,” my son pointed proudly to a balloon following behind him. It was shaped like a cow and even had little dangling paper feet hanging underneath it.

“What the hell?” I asked.

“Don’t you remember, PJ had one of those a few years ago and you were scared of it, you said it followed you around the house!”

I let out a nervous chuckle. “Wow! Screw you Sam!”

Sam’s face became engulfed with a grin bigger than that of a disabled kid smelling his own fart.

“Funny. So, what are we doing for dinner?” I asked.

“PJ and I had hot dogs and nachos at the theater.”

“But…it’s mother’s day, I thought you would at least take me and your mom out to dinner or something?”

“What the hell? I just took your kid to a movie for you!” Sam reminded me.

“And Sam was nice enough to bring you popcorn! That was so thoughtful of him!” Donna added.

I watched as Tons-No-Fun waddled his way back into the bedroom. Within seconds I heard the “plop” from his body hitting the mattress followed by the sound of him taking a drag off his e-cigarette and then…..

HARR UMMP! WEEEEEEE! HARR UMMP! WEEEEEEE! HARR UMMP! WEEEEEEE!

Douche.

 

 

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “Cow Balls

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