Earlier this summer I had a visit from my old friend Tangerae’. We walked our kids down to my local beach club for a day of fun in the sun. As we were crossing over an old, wooden bridge, Tangerae’, now feeling a bit giddy from slamming down two Bob Lights, began reminiscing.
“I fainted at the airport last week, Asterisk. When I came to, the paramedic said to me, ‘Hey, I know you.’
And I looked at him confused. I mean I was dizzy from just passing out plus I was trying to place his face, but I couldn’t.
‘No, sorry, please be less vague,’ I asked him.
He said, ‘I can’t, it’s not appropriate because I’m working right now. But trust me, we had a good time.’
Asterisk, my mom was there and overheard everything.
‘Oh my God, Tangerae’! Seriously?’ she screamed. Then she threw her arms up and stormed off.
Honestly Asterisk, I’ve slept with hundreds of people, maybe even a thousand! I lost track when I was 19,” she admitted with the cackle of a leprechaun, which was fitting, seeing as Tangerae’ didn’t even stand five foot tall.
A few minutes later we entered the pool area and snagged some beach chairs to lounge on.
Unfortunately, those weren’t the only things Tangerae’ decided to snag. Before I knew it, she had her bikini clad legs spread and was plucking out her pubic hairs.
“Jesus Christ, Tangerae’! Stop! This is a family facility!” I begged.
Tangerae just laughed as she continued her public grooming. In an attempt to mentally escape the situation, I threw my beach hat over my face and mind trained.
Soon I was back in time, and reminded of one of my pal’s past hookups…
It happened several years prior, when I was still living in Las Vegas with my ex husband, Beans;
I wandered out to my back patio to check the the thermostat of the hot tub. It had only been about sixty minutes since I turned it on and already it was 82 degrees. Perfect. That baby would be boiling in no time!
Just as I was walking back into the kitchen I heard a familiar voice ring out, “Hey Who-Res!” It was Tangerae’! She had arrived early for the party, yippee!
“Hiiii Beans,” she sang, greeting my then-husband in what she considered a sultry tone, while batting her giant lash-less eyes. To me it sounded more like a constipated inch worm, but whatever. Tangerae’ is the shortest non-midget I know, but she never let her lack of stature get in the way of getting what she wanted, and for the last few months she had her sights set on good ole Dumb Beans.
Pffft. That bitch could have him.
“Hi Tangerae’, why, how are you?” he asked. Dumb Beans had the grin of a half-wit and the matching goofy ass face to go with it. I couldn’t stand him. Then again I’d take that idiot over the raging retard he’s become these days, but I’ll save those stories for another time.
Tangerae’ reached right in and gave his dick a big hug.
That’s as high as she could stand! Then that
cunt runt reached right around and squeezed his old, saggy, man ass. Beans turned red and backed away.
I just laughed and popped open a bottle of wine. Why if Tangerae’ was this fun already I couldn’t wait to see what would happen after a little shot of fermented fruit juice.
Just then the door swung open and in limped Beans’ gimpy baby brother, Doogle. I’m not just calling him a gimp to be mean! He really was!
Doogle was wearing a red leather jacket and a black top hat. His left foot turned inward slightly more than his right which was already considerably twisted. His submissive arm lay upward, pressed against his chest allowing his limp wrist to dangle. One of his eyes was tweaked to the far left. I never could tell which one it was so I never knew where to look when he was talking to me.
As Doogle made his way into my living room, I noticed his dead hand kind of flapping against him. Upon further inspection I realized it was covered up by a white glove.
^^^^ What?!?!?! Trump did it!!!
Behind him was his new girlfriend, Tabitha. She had to have been the most ginormous beast I’d ever seen!
“You want some wine, Doogle?” I asked while pouring the contents of a bottle into 5 glasses.
“No, I don’t drink,” he reminded me.
“Oh come on Doogle, one little glass wont hurt you,” I said, handing it to him anyway.
Doogle accepted the glass with his glove-less hand and downed it like a Pepsi. Perfect! I promptly opened a new bottle and poured him another.
Tabitha dropped a plastic bag onto my couch. “Doogle just bought the latest Dance Party game! It’s the Michael Jackson edition! We can play it tonight!”
“Oh, yay!” I said with an eye roll.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Wine in hand, I scampered off to answer it.
After a turn of the handle, I popped it open and peered into a sea of sparkly spandex and lumpy flesh. “We are here for the party!” a women’s voice spat out.
What the actual fuck?
Now I’ve seen some whales in my day, but nothing prepared me for Tweedly Obese and Tweedly Ka-Thump.
“Those are Tabitha’s cousins! We invited them,” Doodle chimed in.
I turned my head to see my ex brother in law hopping towards me with his good leg, while the other was dragged from behind.
I grimaced after noticing the black trail his shoe was leaving on my freshly mopped floor. His glass of red wine was now perched between two gloved fingers as he scooched towards us.
Maybe Doogle was overly excited to see such prized women barely clothed, or perhaps it was the alcohol he wasn’t used to consuming going to his head. But before I could stop it, Doogle lost his balance and came pummeling towards us like he was the curling champion for the Special Olympics!
He let out a gurgle as his face hit the tile. The wine glass shattered and streaks of purple tie dyed everything in sight!
“Oh, my God! Are you okay, Doogle?” Tabitha came bounding towards us. It felt like a 6.2 on the Richter scale. She reached for her lover and got him back to his feet.
Out of curiosity, I glanced into his eyes. Yup. They were still fucked up. Oh well.
“Let’s get into the hot tub!” one of the Tweedles yelled out. “Before the wine stains ruin our suits.”
I stood at my doorway, my jaw still partially on the floor, as the heard stampeded through my living room and into the back yard.
Great. I was left alone to clean up the mess. “Beans!” I yelled out, “Beans? Come help me!”
Tangerae’ came to my aid instead. “Beans left dude. He went out the back.”
“What? No way! Where did he go?” I asked.
“He said he had to get cigarettes.”
“God damn it! The last time he did that he didn’t return for three fucking days!” I was pissed. This was his family he had invited over to visit with after all.
“You want me to help you mop?” Tangerae’ asked.
I let out a sigh. “No, just go outside and make sure Doogle doesn’t break anything else.”
Once my friend had joined the
safari party, I cleaned up the broken glass to the best of my abilities.
After I finished, I refilled my own glass with Merlot from the new bottle, before heading outside.
My hot tub looked like the three little pigs had escaped the big bad wolf and decided to celebrate in a mud bath. Half the water had been pushed out, and what remained was now tinted gray. I found Tangerae’ and Doogle sitting along the sides, with their feet barely immersed in the water. I figured they were probably scared of being smashed to death.
I had just sat down on a lawn chair when Doogle hollered, “Time to play Dance Party!” He stood up and limped through my sliding glass door, and into the family room. I watched in horror as each member of the Cetacean family bobbled their way out of my hot tub, one at a time. The water level decreased two feet per body. Once empty, I looked down into the half-drained, dirty tub and wanted to cry.
“Damn, Asterisk! I was hoping to ride a jet,” Tangerae’ said. The disappointment splattered across her flat face.
“Right?! I’ll fill it back up but I don’t know how long it will take the water to get hot again.”
Tangerae’ and I lit cigarettes as we watched the game unfold on the big screen. Doogle was getting down to “Beat It.” When he contorted his twisted leg in an effort to moon walk, I have to admit that I was impressed! Doogle frolicked around like MJ with a case of the scabies. I concluded that this was probably what a pretzel would look like, having been flushed down a toilet.
After three Michael Jackson songs, Doogle grew weak and needed a break. He passed the mic over to Tabitha. She found a Spice Girl song and asked her cousins to join in. The threesome of heifers lined up for a coordinated dance and it became apparent they had done this before. It was reminiscent of the hippopotamus’ starring in Disney’s Fantasia.
There was no way I was going to stick around and watch this shit. I made a bee line to the bathroom, emptied my bladder, and then poured myself another round before heading back outside. I probably should have just called it a night right there, because what I saw next will forever be ingrained inside my feeble mind.
Even though his girlfriend had been present, Tangerae’ bravely decided to take her one shot at achieving a big “O”. Since she couldn’t bed Beans, she had gone for the next best thing, his little, twisted brother!
There… in the almost empty hot tub sat Doogle, his gimp leg floating dead in the water, while my bff bounced on top of him!
Suddenly the music stopped and Tangerae’s drunken moans echoed through my courtyard. Upon hearing them, Tabitha turned around and looked through my sliding glass door. Once she computed what was happening she turned on her swollen heels and came catapulting outside, with her curvaceous cousins in tow!
“Tangerae’, RUN!” I shouted.
I watched my friend’s eyes grow three sizes when she saw the sequined stampede stomping towards her. Like a nature show on PBS, my friend leaped off her broken prize and sprinted naked through my back yard.
I wanted to intervene but was too afraid of being trampled. Instead I just sipped my wine and chuckled. Within seconds I heard Tangerae’s car start, followed by the tires squealing as she drove away. I still don’t know how she found her keys!
Even after the incident, the rest of my company decided not to leave. I was stuck playing hostess until Beans came home at 1:00 am covered in lipstick and hickies… but that’s another story!
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