The Clap

Now we all know damn well that there is only one true way to get over someone, and that my friends, is by a rebound!

Getting over someone like The Prince is not an easy task. After all, he had me pretty much obsessed with him. Well, if I’m being honest, I was a little more than obsessed. If he wanted to beat the shit out of me, I would have stood there and took it, told him it was my fault, and then covered it up with my magic makeup skills!

Seriously you guys, I worked for 2 weeks with that black eye and not one person noticed.

Anyway, I knew it would take much more than the average idiot most people would pick up drunk at a bar. My rebound needed to be an upgrade.

So, the first time The Prince dumped me, I did what any aging, weepy, nut job would do. That’s right!

I went onto Facebook and scoured through my friend’s, friends lists and friend requested the youngest and hottest guys I could find.

After a few hours I found my new man! That’s right, he was the perfect fit.

Rebound Guy (or RG for short) was a year younger than The Prince and he had a better car. He was the same religion, and he had a full head of gorgeous, silky hair! He spoke more languages than The Prince, Plus he had a better degree!

He was perfect.

(I’m a fucking psycho, I know)

After sending him a friend request, guess what? He messaged me first. That’s right! I had caught his eye.

I didn’t know this was gonna be so easy!

The first night, RG and I chatted for hours. Both of us had been partaking in some spirits, and were excited to get to know one another. The conversation flowed beautifully.

It was nice chatting with a hot guy who didn’t have an annoying accent.

RG laughed at all my jokes and he didn’t care that I was a decade older than him. He looked up my books and blog, and then complimented me on my writing! That was something The Prince had never done.

The Prince used to tell me that my writing was stupid, and I was being shameful by posing for pictures with books on my boobs, and that I should have more respect for myself.

Douche.

Anyway back to RG, after complimenting my writing, he even invited me out the next weekend for drinks.

We met at a local brewery and we both liked each other in person too. However RG made one fatal move that night.

He made me buy my own drinks.

That’s a deal breaker folks! After years of supporting men, I decided I had to set some ground rules, and treating a lady on a first date is one of them. Maybe you think I’m “old school” for doing that. I don’t blame you, maybe I am. I’ll be hitting 40 soon, you know?

(but if anyone asks I’m 29)

Despite the fun conversation and chemistry, I decided that maybe a rebound wasn’t what I needed after all. Even though RG was indeed an upgrade, he still wasn’t “The Prince.” I still wanted my Prince Charming, so I went back for another round.

Throughout the entirety of my relationship with The Prince, RG and I remained buddies. He’d send me memes when he was bored, drunk and lonely, and we’d partake in the occasional intoxicated call.

Things between us remained strictly platonic.

After The Prince discarded me back in April, you know, right in the midst of the the Covid 19 lockdown, RG left the state to pursue a new job.

By now you are wondering why I keep babbling on comparing the two like an idiot, I know that. But I promise you, I have a plot twist coming very soon!

So anyway… If you’d just be patient…

After my Princy-Poo left me, I went into a pretty deep depression, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t write, but the worst part was… I couldn’t orgasm either.

Seriously, I went close to half a year without having a big-O.

This is where the real story begins:

It was past midnight last weekend when I received a call from RG.

“Hey Asterisk, what are you doing?”

“Drinking!” I replied.

“Hey, me too. Guess what? I was fired from my job.”

“I’m so sorry RG, you texted me that the other day. I meant to call you back, I’ve been swamped on social media and have had to wake up early for work. How are you handling it?”

Even though I felt bad for RG, I was secretly hoping that this minor hitch might bring him back to my neck of the woods. Like the rest of you, I’ve been bored to tears in quarentine and could use another drinking buddy.

“Well this is the thing, this is why I couldn’t text you all of it!” he slurred, “I found another job first, a higher paying job!”

“That’s great! Tell me more,” I said.

“Okay so, I was offered this better job right, and then I told my old boss I had to put in my two weeks notice. An hour later I got an email from him telling me that they don’t need me, and not to bother coming back at all.”

I started laughing like I had just been medicated for a dental procedure. “So basically you got a better job, and then you were let off the hook of the old one you hated? That’s great! That’s not getting fired!”

“Well, so I called the new job to let them know I could start sooner, but they can’t start me until next week. So I’m out of work for five days.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked, “You got a new job, you don’t have to work your last two weeks at the old job you hated, AND you get a five day vacation in between, which you can now afford to take, BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING MORE MONEY!”

RG pondered my words for a moment. “Yeah! I guess that’s true!”

“That’s awesome. Congrats! So where is your new job? Back in Cali?”

“No, it’s out here but much closer to where I live.”

Well there went all my future fun.

“We need to celebrate with a drink. When will you be in town next?” I asked.

“I’m not sure, flights are really cheap right now. You should come out here.”

“Yeah, I wish,” I said. “I’ve been stuck alone with kids since this whole Covid shit happened.”

“I’ve just been drinking alone and having sex with myself.”

“I’m jealous. I haven’t had an orgasm in months,” I admitted.

“What? Why? I take care of myself at least daily.”

“I used to do that! I guess I’ve just been, really depressed. I don’t know, so much going on in the world, and my kids are here.”

“That’s crazy, I can’t belive that,” he said. “Don’t they go to bed at night?”

“Yeah, they’re in bed now.”

And it was at that very moment, right there, I had my epiphany!

“Hey, RG, you want to video chat right now, like, naked?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m calling you. Give me two minutes!” I ran to my bedroom, locked the door, and tore off my clothes. I set my phone camera up on my half broken tripod and I called my rebound guy.

This shit was about to go down! That’s right, after five long months, this old hag was gonna have an orgasm. And who better to share that with, virtually or not, than a man who is the perfect upgrade from The Prince?

I felt like I was getting a new car!

Alright, so it didn’t turn out to be the best virtual sex ever. I mean, we were both sloppily drunk for one.

For two, I was feeling a bit shy, though I still let him watch me touch my parts! He showed me his parts too. Then again, we all know what too much whiskey does to a dick.

Halfway through it, my phone started a software upgrade and shut itself down.

God damn it!

Despite all of our setbacks, I was determined to keep our fun time going, so I plugged my computer in and propped it up on some pillows before calling him again.

Soon we were right back to it, or at least I was with a somewhat captivated audience!

“Can you see my pussy?” I asked, “Do you like my fat tits?”

“Your tits are fucking huge and amazing.”

“You are so hot! I like your hair!”

The next thing I knew, I accidently kicked the cord from the computer and it became unplugged, dying from a dead battery.

Whatever! I couldn’t deal with calling him back, I needed this orgasm to happen now, with or without someone watching.

I rolled off my bed, reached for the bag hidden inside my closet, and pulled out the biggest dildo I could find.

I plunged that fucker into my cow cave and rode it like a bull the first day of a rodeo!

I was thankful that the camera was off, because I’d be ashamed for anyone to know how much I got into myself that night.

And that folks, was just the beginning! Uh huh, I’ve touched myself everyday since.

I can now happily say that Rebound Guy fixed whatever it was that The Prince had broken. Well, Sexually at least.

So please, everyone, give RG a round of applause. He deserves it! And to RG, I’m glad our friendship didn’t get awkward after too. 😉

(Ahahahaha! You thought this post was about me getting chlamydia! I tricked you!)

Mettez-moi en colère, j’écris une histoire. Brise mon coeur, j’écris un livre.

***To read more about The Prince, follow the links on his name***

If you liked what you just read, you are gonna looooove my books!

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