Helpless Solicitor

It was sometime, early last winter, that I was lying on my bed with a vape pen in my mouth when I received a call from my Prince. As had been our usual routine, The Prince would collect call me after I got in from work, and the jail allowed him some free time.

“Hey, Babe!” he greeted me.

“Hey, sexy! What are you wearing?”

“These fabulous jail issue clothes, you know, from the top designers.”

“I bet you still look hot in them though. I’m imaging your junk and giant ass squeezed into those filthy tidy-whities,” I teased.

“You know they had to give me size 3X.”

“Oh, I know how big it is, Babe.”

“No, it’s for my butt. It’s so big I don’t fit into another size,” he admitted.

“Is not just your butt, it’s your huge dick.”

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Oh my God, it’s so big. It’s like a farm animal’s! I want to touch it so bad.”

“Stop! You are making him hard right now. He’s poking out of my pants,” he whispered, “Please, change the subject.”

I giggled. “How’s your mom?”

“That’s better…”

The Prince was silent, so I figured I better take it up a notch. “See anyone get raped today?”

“There we go. Asterisk, I want to thank you for paying my credit cards.”

“It’s no biggie. I came into a little money for Christmas so I wanted to share it with you.”

“It’s a lot, really. When I get out, I’ll pay you back, for the phone calls too.”

“Don’t worry about it right now, okay. Consider it a gift,” I said, “We can tally up the calls when you get out.”

“No! I will not take money from you. I will pay you back.”

“Okay, if you want to, that’s fine.”

“Asterisk, you are amazing. You really are. I have never known anyone like you. You deserve so much, so many good things will come to you. If you ever need me for anything, I will always be there for you. Even if we break up, you can always call me and I will take care of it for you. You have my word.”

The Prince had told me that exact thing many times.

One afternoon, a little over a month after he had gotten out of jail, he made a rash decision to leave my apartment and move into a hotel. Still we continued communicating.

I was working from home online and sitting at my desk, just getting ready to take my lunch when I received a text message from my pal Bubble.

“Asterisk, you won’t believe this, I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?”

I laughed at the message and logged out for lunch. There was nothing Bubble could tell me that I would need to sit down for.

“Yeah, sure what’s up?” I asked, as I made my way into the kitchen to heat some soup.

“I’m sending you something.” A second later, a screen shot appeared. It was of a text conversation between Bubble and Sal (the guy who was pretending to be her boyfriend).

Sal: Hey Bubble, I have a weird question to ask you.

Bubble: Ok…

Sal: Do you have any naked pictures of Asterisk you can send me real quick?

Bubble: Uhh, why do you want to see naked pictures of my friend?

Sal: I’m scamming some old dude online and I need a hot blonde.

Bubble: No, I don’t have any nudes of Asterisk, and I don’t think she’d like that.

Sal: It’s not a big deal. Never mind. I’ll ask someone else.

My entire body started trembling. I knew Sal from a work associate, and up until this point, I had thought he was a nice guy. Bubble was right, I should have been sitting down. I was shocked, mortified and betrayed.

Instead of replying to Bubble, I forwarded the screen shot to The Prince.

“Oh my God! Can you believe this? What do I do? Should I call the police?” I messaged along with it.

The Prince replied, “I don’t know what you should do. They’re your friends.”

“I’m having an anxiety attack right now. Can you please talk to him? He respects you, he’ll listen.”

“Why would I want to talk to your friends? I told you, you should make better choices,” he responded.

“Are you serious right now? He’s trying to use nude photos of me to solict men for money! Please help me, I’m freaking out!”

“That’s not my problem. You made bad choices with friends, now you see what happens.”

“I get it, you were right, I was wrong. You told me he was bad, I didn’t listen. I learned my lesson, now I need your help. I’m having a panic attack.”

“I don’t know why you text me about it,” he said.

“Please just talk to him, tell him you know what he did and that it’s not cool.”

“I will not talk to Sal.” The Prince couldn’t have cared less.

“You promised me when you were in jail, that you would do anything for me, even if we broke up. Now I’m calling in that favor, I need you!”

“You made your own friends. It’s not my problem.”

Tears were streaming down my face. “I NEED YOUR HELP! YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A COWARD!”

“Now you call me names? I’m working. Don’t text me anymore.”

I don’t know why The Prince’s response was so shocking to me. I should have known by then what a hypocrite he was, but alas, it was the final test. After that day, I never expected anything from him again.

So, I put on my “big girl” pants and texted our mutual associate. I sent her the screen shot and told her to warn Sal that I needed an apology asap or I’d be posting that shit all over social media.

Thirty seconds later, I received an apology along with a pathetic paragraph of excuses. I never spoke to Sal again.

I Shouldn’t have spoken to the Prince again either, but that’s another story!

Double douche.

*Elle ressemble à un chien*

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