Confession Spasms

It was partially through one of our extremely expensive, hour-long jail calls, that The Prince made a confession to me.

“Will you put money on my books tomorrow?” he asked.

“Yes, I already said I would.”

“I need $100,” he reminded me.

“Okay.”

Now, even though I was paying for most of the phone calls, The Prince was still covering the majority of his expenses in jail. He had me meet with his boss to pick up the remainder of his last paycheck, and he even had a friend wire me some money from his home country.

He needed about $100 a week to live off of in jail. That’s a lot of noodles, right?

“Asterisk, I have to tell you something, I need to be honest with you.”

Now, as I’ve said before, I wasn’t blind. I knew what The Prince was using the money for. Despite the obvious, I could also spot the personality shift when he was high.

“Okay,” I replied.

“It’s hard to deal with being in jail, and being sober, so sometimes I take things, to make it better.”

“I know,” I said.

“I mean I take pills,” he continued.

“I know, I figured as much. Watch what you say, we are being recorded,” I warned.

“Sometimes, when I don’t have money, I take out a debt. I have to keep taking these drugs, I can’t stop, otherwise I’ll get sick,” he let out a sinister chuckle. “If I don’t repay the debt, they will ‘take me to the wall.'”

“Okay… Remember, recording…” I said again.

“Asterisk, let me talk! Do you know what that means? If I don’t pay my debt, they will jump me. They will take me to the wall, when the guards are not watching, and take turns punching me. I don’t know what could happen.”

“I understand. I will put the money on tomorrow,” I promised.

“You are not angry?” he asked.

“No. If I were in your situation, I’d probably need a buffer too. Besides, I know how much noodles cost, I already figured you were. Just please, whatever you do, be careful.”

“I am careful.”

“The last thing you need, is more time added to your sentence for something stupid!”

“Asterisk, I know what I am doing,” he assured me.

After six months of being on opiates, Princy Poo had a lot of coming down to do when he was released from Jail.

I’d given him a bottle of melatonin and half my xanax prescription to help with the withdrawals. Yet, a few weeks later, when he came to stay with me, he was still suffering from body spams at night.

“When I was staying with my parents at the hotel, my mom would yell at me to ‘stop being so angry!’ when I tried to sleep. I can’t help what my body is doing,” he complained. “It pissed me off, but I couldn’t tell her the truth.”

So at night, when his body would jerk and thrust, I learned quickly to have him turn onto his stomach, and would run my nails softly down his back, until he’d fall asleep.

A few weeks had passed, and he was feeling better. Still he’d wake me up at night jerking, just so I’d rub his back. Even though it was a method of control, I found it endearing. After all, I loved nothing more than taking care of my man.

It didn’t take long for The Prince to lose his appreciation of me. Soon he had lost his patience too. The Prince enjoyed hearing himself talk, and if I tried to be an active part of any conversation, he’d accuse me of interrupting him. His politeness had also gone out the window. I wasn’t allowed to have any view points that differed from his.

We had been spending most evenings drinking together in my living room. The Prince would show me pictures of the cars he had owned in the past, or repeate the same lecture about how much he hated my friends. I did my best to tell him how great he was, and pretend to be interested in what he had to say. I didn’t really care, I just liked having him around.

“Asterisk, if you want to be great, you need to surround yourself with people who are already great. Your friends are trash. You are who your friends are. That’s how the world sees you. These people you hang out with make you look bad by association,” he’d lecture.

“My friend’s actions have nothing to do with me. I’m not responsible for other people’s behaviors.”

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up and listen to me! You don’t know what you are saying. I’m trying to teach you. You can learn a lot from me if you would just listen, really you should thank me.”

One thing I did learn pretty quick was when to shut my mouth. He could psychobabble on for hours. Still it wasn’t enough for me just to listen. The Prince needed a reaction out me, he wanted me to feel his pain. One night he went on a rant I’ll never forget.

“You are great, but you could be greater. Do you know all this love I have for you in my heart? Grrr! You don’t know. It makes me so crazy, Asterisk. I love you. I fucking love you, when you listen to me. But when you make bad choices and you have bad people as friends, it pisses me off. It makes me hate you. I’ll tell you something, my ex girlfriend, she’s not beautiful like you. No, you know what, she’s not even cute. She’s fucking ugly. But I loved her more than I’ll ever love anyone in my life. I loved her more than my mom. I’ll never love anyone that much again. She disappointed me, she betrayed me. I was with her seven years. She was like a child to me, I raised her.”

“Wow, that’s pretty fucked up,” I said.

“What? What did you say? Shut the fuck up, shut your mouth and learn!”

“You just told me you’ll never love me as much as your ex girlfriend. How is that supposed to make me feel?”

“It’s true! I’ll never love anyone like that again!”

The Prince paced my living room for a good hour after that, ranting and raving, and pointing out all my “supposed” flaws…

What? Come on, I’m perfect, we all know that! Please… 😉😇

Once he had worn himself out, and failed to get the reaction out of me that he so desperately craved, he told me it was time for bed.

“I won’t sleep with you tonight. I will sleep out here on the couch.”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Don’t you want your back rubbed?”

“I can’t stand to be around you any longer. You disgust me by not listening. I may leave tomorrow. I’m serious.”

“Fine. But I’ll make you a bed. Help me get the old mattress out.”

The two of us went into my room and retrieved the little mattress I had used to make “car bed.” He dragged it to the living room, and I covered it with an old sheet and one of the blankets from my bed.

“Not that blanket, that one is yours, I’ll take the other,” he demanded.

“My down comforter?” I laughed. “No. That’s my favorite blanket. I was just letting you use it to be nice, you aren’t dragging that one out here. This is the blanket I bought for you anyway.”

I left him out there, without a reaction and went to bed in my own room. Even though I was extremely upset, I kept it inside.

The next day, The Prince knew he was on thin ice. We didn’t discuss the night before. Instead, he invited me out on a drive to the mountains a few hours away.

Happy to put the night before behind us, I obliged. I even let him drive my car.

To keep the peace, I stayed silent most of the trip. The Prince blasted his music and had a great time singing and dancing while he drove.

The lockdown had just begun and the roads were empty. After an hour or so we began winding our way to the top of the mountain.

“Do you want to pull over there and look at the snow?” he asked.

“Sure, I don’t care,” I said.

“We can stop here or we can keep going further, there may be something better.”

“Up to you.” I didn’t really care if we got out or not. The Prince seemed to be happy and that was all that mattered to me. I wasn’t about to spoil his mood. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted.

An hour after that, we arrived to a small town.

“Aww man, I really wish something was open. It would be so nice to have a meal somewhere,” I said.

“I was thinking the same thing. Do you mind if I stop for cigarettes?” he asked.

“Go for it.”

A few blocks later we pulled up to a gas station and Princy Poo purchased himself a pack of Marlboros, and lit one up outside.

“You can smoke it in here,” I offered.

“You don’t mind, in your car?”

Was this guy serious? I would have ripped my heart out and given it to him, had he asked!

“Of course not.”

On the way back down the mountain, we stopped off and took a short walk in the snow to look at the view. Although it was pretty, it was much too cold to be out of the car for very long, so we continued our drive home.

“Looks like you will need gas soon,” The Prince informed me.

“Can we stop and put some in?” I asked.

“We’ll make it back. I’ll give you my credit card for gas later.”

Dick.

Once we arrived to my apartment, I asked my love what he wanted me to cook for dinner.

“You know what, we have had a nice day, why don’t you just go ahead and order food. I’ll put it on my card. Let’s not spoil the mood.”

“Thank you,” I said, as I walked into the kitchen and opened us up beers.

I handed one to The Prince as he turned on some music.

“Do you want to know something about me? How I became so strong?” he asked.

“Sure,” I answered, sitting down on the couch across from him.

“It’s because I don’t do things for other people. I do for myself only!”

“That’s not true,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“You knew I was upset about last night, so you went out of your way to do something nice for me today.”

The Prince pondered my words for a moment, before facing me with his giant cold eyes, and for just a second they softened.

“You are very smart,” he said.

Je peux te sentir penser à moi.

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